Pirate Broadcast
by Umeko
Summary: Insanity fic - what if Captain Teague hosts a radio show? Just some wicked piratey fun. Anachronisms galore and possible OOCness. Guest appearances by characters, live naval battles and wacky advice from yours truly.
1. Broadcast 1

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

I have been meaning to write a insanity fic for this fandom for a while.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore. Radio was not yet invented during the golden age of Caribbean piracy (about 300 years too early at least). Or I'm sure the Brethren Court would have a more efficient way of assembling than singing _'Hoist the Colours'_ ship to ship. Actual pirate radio broadcasts are radio programmes broadcast illegally, sometimes from ships offshore.

**Broadcast 1**

_Teague is strumming his guitar in his cabin._

_Honest Tom: (poking head in)_ Cap'n? We're on air.

_Teague: (sets aside guitar)_ Thank you, Tom. Now, a good evening all ya scallywags and pox-ridden scoundrels. For tonight's first programme we have a special report from some obscure island with a name that I will not even try pronouncing. Some seafarer has been savouring the hospitality of the natives and wishes to share his adventures with us. For any of you capable of understanding the written word, you may expect to see a memoir of which the title is yet to be determined on the market soon. Over to Porky Hamshanks live from the island of P. Tell us a little of your adventures so far.

* * *

><p><em>Porky: (soaking in a cauldron with a native tossing carrots in) <em>Good evening, Captain T. Well, the natives have been most hospitable. The guest accommodations do take a little getting used to. Terrific view too, though I do not recommend it for chaps with a fear of heights. Awful fun rolling about in them cagey-balls too. Great workout. I am enjoying a little bit of a relaxing soak in a hot tub as we speak and I have with me an English-speaking native, Queekeg. Anything ye wanna say to the civilized world, old chap?

_Queekeg: (adds salt to cauldron)_ Very well, _capitane. _I wish to introduce my people's cuisine…

_Porky:_ Ah, yes. The local fare. That dish ye chaps served up last night. Delicious with a smoky taste. What do ye call it?

_Queekeg: (stirring cauldron)_ Smoked Sea Cook. We select only the heavy smokers for that unique flavour…

_Porky: (laughing)_ Ah, I'm sure our cook Johnson will enjoy yer little joke. Man's never without his pipe. Has anyone seen the old Johnson by the way? _(looking around) _It was a little tough though.

_Queekeg:_ Tough? Apologies, sir. We will tenderise the next guest… _(takes up spiked club and bashes Porky repeatedly)._

* * *

><p><em>Teague and Honest Tom listen to screams of pain coming from Porky, followed by silence. <em>

_Honest Tom:_ Listeners, I have received news from Mister Hamshanks' publisher, Scurvy Press. His memoirs will be co-written by a Mister Queekeg under the title _Cannibal's Cookbook_ and touted as a must-have for any mariner. _(Flips through a copy of the cookbook)_ Featuring recipes the likes of Cabin Boy Roast, Hotpot Captain and Drunken Sailor. I suppose we could replace human with goat, beef or pork.

_Teague:_ Tom, go mark the island of P. on me charts as not to visit unless necessary. Such as when the Devil Davy Jones himself is after yer pox-ridden soul. And scratch any reservations we might have with them.

_Honest Tom:_ Very well, Capt'n. Shall we stop at Tortuga then?

_Teague:_ Sounds good.

_Honest Tom: (nudge)_ Word from our sponsors, captain.

_Teague:_ Oh, right. This broadcast is brought to you by the Faithful Bride Tavern. Drop by for wenches, rum and jolly good company anytime you drop anchor in Tortuga. No awkward questions asked of disgraced navy-men, pirates or walking skeletons by moonlight. Fisticuffs, brawling and backstabbing allowed. As are pets and other animals, except for a certain thieving monkey named Jack Sparrow. Over to you for the _(shudder)_ agony aunt segment, Tom.

_Honest Tom: _Dear listeners, we await your calls… _(Phone rings)_

_Cuckolded:_ I got home after three years at sea and walk in me wife and the vicar going at it in bed. So I, well, lost it and shot them both.

_Teague:_ Problem?

_Cuckolded:_ Now I am stuck with my kiddies. Know any nursemaids? I have three wailing babies… I also have an appointment with the local hangman over that vicar.

_Teague:_ One word about the kiddies – orphanage. And you are a moron for not running after shooting. Next call…

_Davy Jones:_ Hello? I have a wee bit of a problem. This lassie I'm crazy about stood me up. I know I should forget about her but I can't!

_Teague:_ You need to drop by at our sponsors', get drunk and get laid by some lusty wench. Seems to work for my boy except he gets slapped silly by the wenches in the morning.

_Davy Jones:_ Problem. I can only touch dry land once every ten years for one night. Standing in a bucket of saltwater doesn't count.

_Teague:_ What? Are ya terra-phobic or what? Sorry, can't help you with that. Maybe you can pick up a lusty mermaid at sea. Tom! What are ya doing?

_Tom has a very beautiful mermaid sitting on his lap. _

_Honest Tom: _Kissing a mermaid, captain.

_Teague:_ Work first, kiss later, Tom. _(cocks pistol and aims it at his mate)_

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye, sir! Sorry, ma'am… Perhaps this evening we can catch up a bit _(drops mermaid out of window with a splash)_

_Anamaria:_ My boat has been stolen by a dreadlocked, bandanna-wearing pirate going by the name of Jack Sparrow. I put him up at my place out of the goodness of me heart and he steals me _Jolly Mon_!

_Teague:_ Never trust a pirate, especially if his name is Jack Sparrow and he has been mutinied on by his crew and yet to regain his ship. Though, Jackie boy, you're killing yer old da. What's so bad about working on me ship? We have an opening for cabin-boy. It will be like the old days, including me havin' ye birched for stealing the ship's rum. Oh, missy, ya can forget about seeing yer boat ever. It's probably sunk by now. That's all the time we have fer the call in. How about some sea shanties?

_Strains of classical music drift in. Vivaldi's Four Seasons._

_Teague:_ Tom, what is the meanin' of this? This ain't sea shanty. Our listeners want sea shanty, not stuffy chamber music! We ain't no bloody French court at Versailles! Put on the good old _'Spanish Ladies'_ or _'A Pirate's Life'!_

_Honest Tom:_ Sorry, Capt'n. 'Tis only Miz Willy Raven and her brood. _(opens the cabin door)_

_A small woman glides in with a good dozen youngsters playing string instruments, including a cello, violins and harp. _

_Willy Raven:_ Bon jour, papa! I heard about poor Brother Jack's troubles and thought you might need some cheering up. So I brought your grandchildren. Oh, Mister Tom, there is a mermaid outside waiting for your company. _Mon enfants_ will take care of the music… _(kisses Teague on both cheeks) _

_Teague: (aside to Tom)_ How did she get on me ship?

_Honest Tom:_ Grappling hooks and ropes. Please excuse me, capt'n. I do believe me date is gettin' impatient… _(gets a net thrown over him from outside the window and is dragged overboard presumably by the mermaid)_

_Teague:_ Willy girl, how's yer ma?

_Willy Raven:_ Ah, _Parve maman!_ She sends her love to you, Father. _(hands him a shrunken head)_ Had a spot of trouble in the Amazon but no matter. Would you like to keep Mother company a bit?

_Teague, at loss for words, takes head from his daughter._

**Author's Notes:**

Honest Tom – own character, Teague's first mate and long-time shipmate. Basically an uncomplicated seaman.

Wilhelmina Raven aka Wayward Willy – own character, Teague's daughter and Jack's younger sister. A petite, dark-haired woman with an ever-present and ever increasing brood of children.

Teague is really bad at giving advice. Maybe they should scratch the Agony Aunt segment. Or give a lecture on how to be a pirate. Any suggestions?


	2. Broadcast 2

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness

**Broadcast 2**

_Shipwreck Cove, Teague and Honest Tom are in a shack studying a pile of gift-boxes on the table. A banner on the wall reads: MANY HAPPY RETURNS, CAPT TEAGUE. _

_Teague:_ By Neptune's beard, I hate birthdays, especially mine.

_Honest Tom:_ But look at all the gifts the Pirate Lords sent. Well, your son did not send anything, as usual. Neither did Barbossa, but the others did remember.

_Teague:_ Well, we haven't heard much from Hector since that incident with some Aztec curse. Let's get this over with so we can get down to the broadcast. (_grimaces and pulls on a pair of heavy gloves and starts unwrapping the gifts_ ) Here we go. Ammand sends me another Turkish poisoned shirt. _(tosses it on the fire, along with the gloves)_ How traditional_. _(_picks up a wine bottle, uncorks it and empties the sizzling contents onto the floor_) Poisoned fine Amontillado from Senor Villanueva… _(grabs a wooden box and tosses it out of the window where it explodes with a boom) _Booby-trapped lacquer box from Mistress Ching… Ah, Chevalle sends a ridiculous wig, _again… (throws offensive wig out of window)_. Man has no sense of fashion. Old Sumbhajee sent one of his live-cobra-in-a-basket… _(empties basket into a cooking pot on the stove and slams lid on)_ I believe snake soup is on tonight's menu… Gentleman Jocard sent me a bad-luck charm. Hold this for me please, will you, Tom? _(hands weird-looking wood carving to his mate and makes the sign of the cross over him)_

_Honest Tom:_ Does this thing actually work? Yikes! _(Floor boards inexplicably give way under his feet and he falls into the water below). _

_Teague turns around suddenly and fires his pistol at a man creeping up on him with a sword. _

_Teague: _And Sao Feng sends an assassin to celebrate my birthday. How typical. _(kicks assassin's corpse into hole Tom fell through earlier)_ That's one demerit for ya, Feng.

_Honest Tom:_ _(crawling up from hole in the floor)_ You know, Captain. You ain't the most popular pirate as the Code Keeper. Some might say you are too much a stickler for the rules…

_Teague:_ So? Code's the Code. On with the show. Ahoy, ya scallywags! First we've some news about the whereabouts of the ghost ship the _Black Pearl_. The cursed ship and her skeleton crew were spotted entering the harbour of Port Royal and making off with the Governor's daughter herself. No ransom note was found… Honestly, Hector, you will not be makin' any lady-friends at the _Faithful Bride_ not dropping in for a decade and then makin' off with some uppity Governor's girl. On the upside, there was a successful jailbreak from the island's fort by the infamous Jack Sparrow, who also stole a warship right from under the navy's pointy noses. Way to go, Jackie boy! That's so much more piratey than pinchin' fishing smacks from little missies. Still, when are ya going to actually git back that black-sailed ship yer so proud of?

_Honest Tom_: On the movements of trade, pirates are advised that rich pickings await in the Slaver's Triangle with merchants selling their cargo in the islands of Haiti and New Hispaniola. With the going rate for slaves, one can expect ships leaving the ports to be carrying loads of gold coins. Feel free to flog or keelhaul those slaver captains until they cough every single bloody coin out. You are advised to avoid St Anne's due to increased naval patrols. The New England run is a waste of pillagin' time and effort with their increased influx of Puritan émigré ships. It is a well-known fact that the only things they have in abundance on board are Bibles, boring preachers and grumpy hags. With the men they hav to face, no wonder the ladies turn into hags before they get past Portsmouth.

_Teague:_ Now it is time for the Kraken alert. This nasty beastie was seen splashing about off the islands of Galapagos and mariners are advised to avoid those waters lest ye end up in Davy Jones' Locker. And sorry, those _'Made in Singapore'_ anti-Kraken flags have been revealed as fakes by our late correspondent. May his hell-blasted soul be delivered from Davy Jones. These flags have been sold to our fellow buccaneers at ridiculously high prices by some shady Chinese middleman with a perchance for reciting poetry. Nice try, Sao Feng. This one will earn ya a second demerit according to the Code. The next demerit be a bullet tween the eyes, savvy?

_Honest Tom:_ This news report is brought to you by Blackbird Slavers…

_Teague:_ What? I thought we dropped that sponsor… Set a course for the Slaver's Triangle at mornin' tide. We're going to pillage some slavers and make every man-jack of them walk de plank.

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye, Captain! _(runs out)_

_Teague: _Oh, the next bit is a book review on _Treasure Island_ by some chap named Robert Stevenson. Recommended strictly for the kiddies. In me opinion, Captain Flint is a (bleep) phoney as no self-respectin' pirate would bury his gold in a hole in the ground when he could blow it all on rum and wenching in de nearest available port. As for Silver, he's a scoundrel and a wuss. I would rate it an F for fated to moulder in some corner of a bookstore. No one's gonna think of making movies of it for sure… Not enough pretty wenches and… _(Phone rings)_ Time for the call-in already? Avast, ya scallywag, what is yer miserable problem?

_Governor Swann:_ My daughter has been kidnapped by pirates! I seriously need help, from all quarters. Please… could you ask those pirates to return my daughter unharmed? I'm willing to pay a ransom!

_Teague:_ As a father, I feel yer pain. However, no one has bin crazy nuff to take my children for ransom. My missus and her ma would have their guts for garters. Have you been trainin' yer girl proper? Young ladies should be educated in the use of the blunderbuss and sabre. If yer gal is the helpless kind, have the ransom ready. Also have ready a loaded musket to blast those scoundrels to kingdom come once ya git yer gal back. Mustn't set a bad example for the next lot of scurvy dogs. Next call…

_Brown the Smith:_ Me apprentice ran off with a pirate! I feed 'im, clothe 'im and let 'im sleep in me forge ever since that miserable orphan was dumped on me doorstep by that jackass governor. Lazy sod repays me by moonin' all day after some governor's daughter like some lovesick pup when he oughtae be toiling over some order of 'orseshoes fer me and now he runs off to sea with a pirate. I want that sorry ingrate back so as I can flog 'is sorry ass!

_Teague:_ Hooray! Good for the lad, I say! Especially when a sassy pirate girl is so much more attractive than some snotty society lady. Do wish the happy couple all the best, man! Seafaring is so much more suited to a lusty lad than a smoky forge, especially with a lovely siren at his side… _(starts reminiscing about his younger days and his pirate wife as he drinks his rum)_

_Brown:_ He ran off with a pirate who calls himself Jack Sparrow…

_Teague:_ _(spits out his drink across the room) _Jack, whatever are ye thinkin? Return the man his apprentice-boy now! Next!

_Hector: _Many happy returns, Capt'n Teague. Thanks for that wee hint years ago on how to break that Aztec curse but we have a teensy problem. Ye know, we need back every single coin and our blood, failing which the blood of our kin. Unfortunately, we tossed Old Bootstrap over the side before getting' his blood. So we got hold of his little girl and guess what? Her blood did not break the damned curse! Why is that so?

_Teague:_ Let's see… One – Poor Bootstrap has been cuckolded by his missus and his daughter is not really his. Two – ye grabbed the wrong child. Which do ya think is more like, mutinous sea-dog who wantonly tossed his shipmate over the side tied tae a cannon in a fit of temper and landed everyone else in that mess to start wif?

_Honest Tom:_ _(running in through door) _Captain! Heads up! Miz Wil-

_Willy Raven and children burst into the room in the manner of a marching band, knocking the first mate into the hole in the floorboards again. _

_Willy Raven and kids: _Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy biiirrrthdaaayyy, dear granddad…_ (Singing in a horribly off-key manner)_

_Teague:_ I hate birthdays. _(drinks up the rest of his tankard of rum and climbs out of the window with wife's head in hand)_

**Author's Notes: **

Yes, I am putting in the events of the CotBP. Any suggestions on how I may improve this show welcome. Do feel free to write in or call in to the Code Keeper.

No offense to Made in Singapore products.

The bit on Treasure Island was meant to be ironic. I mean, Stevenson set the tone and stereotypical image for the pirate in that novel.


	3. Broadcast 3

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness

Thanks for the reviews so far. Glad you are all enjoying this fic and the inherent insanity.

**Broadcast 3**

_A tavern in Shipwreck Cove, which is actually the deck of a beached galleon. Teague and his first mate are strolling amidst the customers, most of whom are drunk and brawling, with fists, furniture and pistol balls flying. _

_Teague: _Where're Willy and the bairns? Thot they would be gettin' a bite here wi' me before we leave...

_Honest Tom:_ Miz Willy took off on the _Bloody Mary_ with the eventide, captain. Said the place ain't child-friendly. _(dodges a flying bottle)_

_Teague:_ Ain't child-friendly? It doesn't git much more child- _(stepping on a squishy dark-red thing on the floor) _Oops, Someone left his liver here…

_Honest Tom:_ Watch out, Captain!

_Warning comes too late and a cream pie smacks Teague in the face. Dead silence falls over the deck as everyone realises someone just pie-d the Code Keeper. _

_Honest Tom:_ Oh dear… _(ducks behind a sturdy barrel as Teague lets fly with pistols in both hands)_

_The tavern rapidly empties of customers, now sobered and leaping over the side, with a few lying motionless or groaning on the floor. Teague blows smoke from his spent pistols. _

_Teague:_ I believe it is time for the broadcast. Let's start with the weather report. Choppy seas with gales off the Horn. Hurricanes expected off Florida. Iceberg warning for those doing the Newfoundland run. Sharky weather for the Slaver's Triangle due to enthusiastic keelhauling by our mates. Nothing like a whiff of blood to bring the sharks in. This rotten weather report is brought to you courtesy of the _Sailing School of Hard Knocks_. Sail or sink, allow the _School of Hard Knocks_ to knock it into your noggin.

_Honest Tom: (hurrying out from hiding): _News on the rum-run. It is confirmed that premier rum runnin' gang, _Rum R Us,_ have closed their operations permanent like due to an unfortunate ride up to the yardarms of a man o'war with aid of a runnin' noose. We mourn the passin' of our most prolific rum runners. Mariners in the Bahamas may expect a dip in their grog quality and a rise in cost -

_Tia Dalma: (calling from a rowboat below)_ Hallo! Someone call'd fer a witch-doctor? _(climbs on board with aid of a rope ladder) _Dis da patient? Left it too late ah see. _(pokes a dead pirate with a cutlass sticking out of his back)_

_Teague:_ Sorry, ma'am, we didnae call fer a witch-doctor. _(Doffs hat to Tia as he is a gentleman after all) _perhaps ya would like tae be on our humble show so as not to waste yer trip here?

_Tia Dalma:_ Don't mind if ah do._ (catches sight of something on the floor)_ Eyeballs! Mebbe dis no be wasted trip!_ (starts picking up scattered eyeballs and other bodily bits) _

_Honest Tom:_ We don't have time for a guest-_ (gets shushed by Teague pressing a pistol to his chest)_

_Teague: _Scratch the Agony Aunt segment and we will have enough-

_Phone rings just as Tia Dlama is scooping up someone's ears from under the table. She picks up phone._

_Tia Dalma: _Hallo?

_Blackbeard: _My officers are getting a tad rebellious, I could end the argument making them walk the plank, but it is getting hard to find skilled seamen given my, ahem, reputation.

_Tia Dalma:_ Voodoo. Zombies dem always work hard and dem no talk back._ (hangs up. Phone rings again and Honest Tom answers)_

_Cotton's parrot:_ Squawk! I am an intelligent bird but I have to speak for an imbecile owner! Squawk! Squawk! I can recite the Bible cover to cover, in Latin and English! Also the Diamond Sutra, Torah and the Koran. I do Chinese poetry! I want to sing on Broadway! I want to be a star!

_Honest Tom:_ We have a parrot on the line, sir.

_Cotton's parrot:_ Squawk! He makes me say lame seafaring stuff like 'Shiver me timbers' and 'Avast'… _(sees an angry Cotton standing behind him)_ Oh-oh… _Yea, as I walk in the vale of the shadow of d_… SQUAWK! _(gets throttled by irate owner)_

_Teague:_ No one's on the line, Tom. Must have hung up. Ma'am? _(turns to Tia Dalma) _Would you like to introduce some folk medicine or summat to our listeners?

_Tia Dalma:_ Ah show dem how make Cajun gumbo. De-li-cious dish fresh from da bayou. _(opens up her hempen pouch and hauls out an illogically large amount of ingredients and crockery to amazement of the pirates)_

_Teague: (aside to Tom)_ How does she do that?

_Honest Tom:_ Must be a doorway to another dimension thing, Capt'n. Seen a few of those about…

_Ulysses from Homer's Odyssey pokes his head out of a nearby hatch._

_Ulysses:_ Penelope, sweetie-pie! Your hunky Greek hubby's home! _(looks around) _Hey, this is not Greece. Damned portals…Now, do I make a right turn at the Bermuda Triangle or- _(ducks below)_

_Tia Dalma: _Add da red pepper, dem crayfish… Boil dem wi shrimp… Add what'ver ya fancy _(lapses into an obscure French Creole dialect with a very thick accent)_

_Angry Housewife: (phoning in)_ Hey, speak the King's English! I cannot understand what she's saying! How am I to cook your gumbo if I can't understand the recipe?

_Tia Dalma is happily rambling on and dumping a slew of ingredients and seafood into the pot she had bubbling on a stove. _

_Tia Dalma: _Want fish-heads wi da gumbo, _mon capitaine?_

_Teague:_ Sounds good. Anything ya fancy, Tom?

_Honest Tom:_ Mustn't forget de crab. I like crab. _(scoops up a live crab from the table top and drops it into the boiling water)_

_Tia Dalma stops and stares in horror at now-dead crab floating in her pot. _

_Tia Dalma: _Aiiieee! Ya murderer! _(whacks Honest Tom with her ladle and cusses him soundly)_

_Teague:_ I think that was her pet, Tom, not an ingredient… _(watches Tia Dalma unleashing her wrath on his hapless first mate) _Mmm, needs a pinch of sea salt_ (tastes the gumbo)_

**Author's Notes:**

The amount of bloodshed is upping with every broadcast. At this rate, this fic will end up M-rated if I don't watch it.

I have included Cotton's poor parrot in this broadcast. They say parrots are no bird-brains.

Tia Dalma's cookery session was a failure, unfortunately. Don't worry too much about Honest Tom. She'll let him off, eventually.


	4. Broadcast 4

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. What's worse than a drunk Jack?

Typo corrected.

**Broadcast 4**

_A line of pirate ships are anchored alongside the docks of Shipwreck Cove. Teague's Misty Lady is in Berth 4, with Villanueva's Santa Rosita de Lima in Berth 5. Captain Teague is sitting on a barrel on the deck of his ship with guitar in his lap. A bell sounds the hour and he looks up. He has been drinking and looks a tad worse for the wear. _

_Teague: (grumbling) _Time for the bloody broadcast I see. Put on some _Spanish Ladies_, Tom my old shipmate… Let 'em have sea shanty for tonight. Have no heart to-

_A line of smoky-eyed, very sexy Spanish dancers strut and swish their way across the deck in front of a goggle-eyed Teague. _

_Honest Tom: (hurrying up on the gangplank)_ Sorry, Capt'n. There has been a mistake… I'll get the fiddlers up and send them Spanish wenches off to…

_Teague:_ Hell no! Let the senoritas stay. _(grabs guitar and strikes up a wild melody)_ All hands! All hands! Pipe 'em hands up, ya scallywag Tom! Let's party and bring the rum!

_Commotion rouses the ship's entire crew and they are soon joining the festivities. The ladies stomp, clap and whirl in a colourful chaos of flashing shawls, skirts and petticoats, flamenco-style, to admiring whistles from the crew. _

_Honest Tom: _The broadcast, Captain?

_Teague: _I leave it to ya! _(gets kissed by one of the ladies) _Ye have me permission to deliver the news or answer their sorry problems. Pass the rum, me hearties!

_Honest Tom: (moves onto the quarterdeck to get away from dancing)_ Very well. Good evening all listeners, mariners and ladies alike. First, the news report. From Port Royal, no updates have been received with regards to the where'bouts of the Gurvnor's lassie since she was taken by some bony pirates. Her fiancé, one Commodore Norrington, claims he is hot on their tails but between you and me, he probably has problems navigating a duck-pond, knowing what stock the navy recruits their men from. Pirate Bookmarkers Exchange is accepting bets on whether Norrington will get his girl. Also bets are placed on whether Jack Sparrow would do the gallows dance at the end of a rope.

_Teague:_ What's this bout me Jackie boy? Hanging? Where's he hung up? _(waves pistol about) _

_Honest Tom:_ Don't fret, captain! Them just taking bets on whether the Commodore Norrington would swing Jack from a gibbet.

_Teague:_ Place me bet, Tom my man, on Jackie boy escaping the noose and thumbing his nose at the stuffy commodore by romancing his fiancée on a tropical islet with loads of rum. Nothing like a touch of rum to git a lady in the mood for romancin' _(kisses one of the wenches)_

_Honest Tom:_ Don't mind me sayin', Captain, but ye need to watch the rum at yer a- _(a shot rings out and Honest Tom's three-corner hat is blasted off his head)_ I'll have black tea ready on the morrow, jus like Miz Jenny makes it.

_Teague:_ Tea? Who wants tea! More rum, ladies? _(smashes open a rum keg with his sabre to delighted squeals from the wenches and roars of approval from the sailors)_

_Honest Tom:_ Mac, Goody, Stinky… Mates, ye shouldn't encourage him… _(dodges barrage of bottles, boots and buckshot fired in his direction by irate shipmates who wanted to get down to partying)_ Never mind…

_From the Santa Rosita, one of Captain __Villanueva's men is calling out to the Misty Lady. _

_Spanish pirate:_ _Ay caramba_! Are those the senoritas our captain called up for his stag party? Send them over, pronto!

_Teague:_ Tell Villanueva _gracias!_ _(shoots hapless sailor in the gut with a musket)_

_Honest Tom: (cringing) _Bugger. That'll be duelling pistols at noon for sure. Now back to the trade news. Slaver traffic has dipped in the Bahamas. Sugar and cotton trade on the Mississippi coast booming and slave traffic is expected to be diverted there. A word from our sponsors, _Auntie Savannah's Booty_ – the place to re-kit and refresh for all mariners of all shade and colour, no questions asked. Rope, sailcloth, shot and planking. The Agony Aunt segment is now open for calls- Hello?

_Mister Gibbs:_ Is it bad luck to have a woman on board ships?

_Teague:_ Definitely not! Ladies are easy on the eyes and give a home-y air to the place. Ah! Whatever would I do without me missus? Dear Jenny was a fine mariner, weren't ye, me little wren? _(lifts up wife's shrunken head) _Mighty handy with a cutlass and pistol too. A toast to me wee wifey, Jenny Wren – Hip, hip, hurray!

_Two plump pirate senoras run up the gangplank brandishing a rolling pin and a broomstick. _

_Senoras:_ Eduardo! _(curses in Spanish)_

_Teague:_ Berth 5, ma'am. _(points to the Santa Rosita)_ This is Berth 4.

_Senoras:_ Gracias! _(storms over to the Spanish Pirate lord's flagship with a string of curses)_

_Teague:_ That said, angry mother-in-laws and ex-wives on board ships, or ashore, are definitely bad luck. _(winces at resounding whacks coming from Villanueva's ship) _Step lightly, my boys! Fiddle away! Let's party!

_Stranded: _Captain, I am stuck on a sand bar with a pretty young lady and loads of rum.

_Teague:_ What's the problem? Let the romancing begin! _(joining a Congo-line of merrymakers, which include a gorilla, a Roman Emperor and a Cleopatra lookalike)_

_Stranded:_ The shrew is burning our rum supplies as I speak.

_Teague:_ That's inhuman! Swim for the nearest land or hitch a ride from sea turtles. Sea turtles! Just like Jackie boy, ride 'em like little horsies… _(takes a swig of rum before joining the ladies' can-can line)_

_Pintel: _My mate sez the pink dress make me look fat! I ain't fat! Does pink make me look fat?

_Ragetti:_ Am too! Why do ya always git to choose first! And I don't look like a scarecrow in a dress, even in moonlight!

_Teague:_ My, my, someone is getting desperate for feminine company. Been at sea too long? Take it from me, gents. Ditch the dresses, get yer booties on shore and find yerself a real woman. _(Kissing a beautiful senorita)_

_Marty:_ Captain Teague, I'm sick of facing everyone at butt-level and gettin knocked into the air at every sea battle cos I'm too tiny. How can I be taller and bigger?

_Teague:_ Stilts, matey! Places one a head above de other scallywags! _(walking about on stilts to cheers from admiring audience) _And stay clear of those cannonballs.

_Mistress Ching's gunner:_ Honourable Code-keeper, my most blessed lady, the glorious empress of the Eastern Sea, Pearl of the Orient without compare, Mistress Ching, was most foully wronged by Sao Feng, curse the dog and rot his privates! We are cheated of shot while loading supplies in Singapore. We have a naval man o'war closing in on us and alas no cannonballs. Please be so merciful to bestow your wisdom on us in our hour of direst need.

_Teague:_ Silverware, nails, chain… pack yer cannons to bursting with powder and metal bits and let her rip at the scoundrels. Cram in the kitchen sink too. Otherwise ye can talk their ears off with yer fanciful words. Sounds like someone I know… Name slips me mind… _(does a little tap-dance on stilts)_

_Jailbird:_ I'm stuck in de jail at Port Royal and there's dis mangy mutt trotting jus outta reach wi de keys! How do I git hold of de mutt with dem keys? He keeps runnin away…

_Teague:_ Sure it ain't ye, mate? Never had problem with dogs, or ladies… _(falls from stilts and into the arms of the ladies)_

_Senorita:_ Senor? _(nudges Teague)_

_Teague continues to bury his face in her bosom. Then he starts snoring. _

_Honest Tom: _That's all for tonite, shipmates and senoritas… Poor captain's tuckered and out like a light… Partying too much fer his age. _(ushers ladies off-ship as the men return to their posts or hammocks)_

_Teague yawns, murmurs in his sleeps and hugs his wife's shrunken head to his chest. Honest Tom shrugs and tosses a blanket over his captain, who is lying in the middle of the deck. _

_Spanish pirate: (calling from Santa Rosita and waving cutlass menacingly)_ Ya captain shot me amigo! I kill 'im now!

_Honest Tom:_ This ain't according to protocol! Ya have to wait till morn when he's sober and challenge him proper!

_Spanish pirate: _To hell with de protocol! I take his head now!

_He swings over to board the Misty Lady. Honest Tom calmly yanks out a dirk from his boot, stabs the pirate as he reaches the ship and lets the body fall over the side. _

_Honest Tom: _Sorry, amigo. Not on me watch. Good night, listeners. Do tune in next time. _(cleans his dirk with his handkerchief and tucks it back in his boot)_

**Author's Notes:**

Pardon the bad Spanish. This is one side of Teague I believe even Jack Sparrow wouldn't get to see often. Honest Tom is a party-pooper but as Teague's right-hand man, he is not to be trifled with.

BTW, _Stranded_ is not Jack Sparrow, because I doubt Jack is the type to call home for help unless things are really, really bad – like when Davy Jones is after his soul? Or maybe not even then.


	5. Broadcast 5

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. Hector gets a cameo here.

**Broadcast 5**

_Isla de Muerta. Captain Teague has Jack the Monkey in a cage and is writing a letter. Jack the Monkey is screaming and trying to chew his way out of the cage. _

_Teague: _Jackie Boy. I am sending you a pet monkey to make up for the time we shot your dog back on that island when you were a wee laddie. The crew was starving and it either you or Lassie. Your Da. _(signs off letter, sticks it onto cage and drops the cage into a box marked 'LETTERS ONLY, NO PETS')_

_Teague picks up an apple from the ground and cleans it on his coat. _

_Teague: _Alas, poor Hector. I knew him… _(crunches into apple)_ Found his piece yet, Tom?_ (walks over to where Honest Tom is squatting beside the recently-deceased pirate lord, Hector Barbossa. The corpse's pockets have been turned inside out and his clothes undone.)_

_Honest Tom_: It ain't in his pockets. _(gives the corpse a pat-down)_

_Teague:_ Did ya check his drawers?

_Honest Tom:_ No way, Captain! I ain't touching him where only his missus should. What if this gits out? Captain Barbossa would not like it…

_Teague:_ Dead men tell no tales. Ye know, Tommy. Normally folks don't touch the dead for fear of ketching what killed 'em. In yer case, it is not touchin' that's gonna have you ketching what killed im… _(fiddling with pistol and looking meaningfully at his first mate)_ The only reason I brought you is because I can trust you not to be tempted into pocketin' anything.

_Honest Tom:_ Sorry, Captain Barbossa… _(very reluctantly pulls Barbossa's breeches off)_

_Tia Dalma: (pops out from behind nearby rock)_ Mail dee-livary fer Captaine Teague.

_Honest Tom: _Where did ya come out from? _(leaps back from corpse)_

_Tia Dalma:_ Are ya gonna sit bout discussin' Hector's drawers or give dem de broadcast? He not going nowhere… _(scrambles over treasure, lifts the waist-band of Hector's drawers and takes a good long peek underneath)_ Ain't dere but ah am lik'ng what bits ah see…_ (grins lasciviously)_ But ah forgettin'. _(digs into hemp pouch and yanks out a handful of letters, spilling a few more on the ground)_ For ya, Captaine.

_Teague:_ Let's see… _Dear Papa, I am well and mission was a success. However, we will be returning to Athens with a black sail as we lost the white one in Crete. Please do not do anything foolish like jumping off sea cliffs. Your son Theseus… _Wait, this is not me letter!

_Tia Dalma:_ Don't look at me. I dee-livar, not read… _(walks off)_

_Teague:_ At least this one is for me… _Dear Captain Teague. We of the Censorship Board are mighty concerned about the level of violence on your show. Must there be someone killed during every show?_ Just for the record, he was dead before we got here. _(nudges Hector with boot)_ Fellow pirates, we grieve today for the loss of a pirate lord, Hector Barbossa, heartfelt or otherwise. He was a backstabber, mutineer and a dirty scoundrel, albeit a well-dressed one. Save me his boots before burying him, will ya? We could git a good price for leather of that quality.

_Honest Tom: (picks up a stray letter from floor and reads) _Dear Sirs, give us honest slavers a break already! We're just trying to make a living and a quick buck at it. We're sick of getting keelhauled, walked off a plank and…

_Teague: (lowers voice to a dangerous tone)_ Tom, give our mates the latest coordinates for them slaving ships. Let's relieve our slaver friends of their 'quick buck'. Having been subject to your hospitality in the hold of a Dutch slaver for the long haul to Batavia in me tender boyhood, you might say I have a slight lifelong bias against you folks.

_Tia Dalma: (holding monkey cage)_ Hey, Captaine! We need ya ta sign dis…

_Teague walks over to fill in the delivery forms for Tia, leaving Honest Tom with the corpse. _

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye. Hear up ye sea-dogs and beggars! Due to increased harassin' by our mates, we have reports of the slavers dumping cargo when surprised during transportin', seeing as… Er, Captain… _(watching as Hector's corpse is carried off by an army of crabs- guess who's work?) _

_Teague: (Still filling up the delivery forms at a table with Tia at his side) _Tom, tell them where to find the stinkin' bastards already.

_Honest Tom, totally dumbfounded, watches as the crabs load Hector onto a waiting rowboat. Meanwhile, Teague has finished with the forms. Tia Dalma takes the monkey cage and forms with her into rowboat. _

_Tia Dalma: _Nice doin' bus'ness with ya, Captaine… _(rows off)_

_Teague: (notices the corpse is gone) _Tom! Didn't I ask ya to save me them boots before burying him? _(snatches the report from Tom) _Ahoy all, slavers are working the Southern Carolina coast, shipping slaves from Jersey to Savannah. Cargo unloaded en route at Jamaica and Barbados. A good spot for rich pickings is Gulf area. A hint for more bloody fun with them slavers, I picked this titbit up from an old gentleman in the Indian Ocean. Lop off some toes and fingers before dropping them in. Brings in the sharks sooner. Worked for him.

_Honest Tom: (finally finding his voice)_ It was not me, captain! Crabs they carried him off, boots and all… load him in yonder rowboat and… _(points at Tia's rapidly disappearing rowboat)_

_Teague:_ Tom, hav ye been drinking? Crabs stealing bodies? Whatever would Tia want wi Hector's stinkin' corpse? Turn him into her zombie lover-boy or use his bits in her spells? Balderdash! What's next? Flying monkeys? Rum-cut for ya. _(bends down to pick up another stray letter)_ Two weeks until you sober up.

_An escaped flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz flits by. Honest Tom blinks and rubs his eyes. _

_Honest Tom: _Bugger! I should've left the last mug of Gumbo's moonshine alone. Never mind, a sober-up pill or two will fix it. _(pulls out a pill-bottle from his shirt and pops some pills) _Wait, this is not me bottle… oh, crap… _(drops bottle)_

_Teague: (reads from very old-looking letter) _Tom? We've a dedication. _I want to dedicate a ballad to the lassie of me dreams, Calypso – D.J.._ Don't juz stand there, put on the… oh Santa Maria!

_Honest Tom has transformed into a hippy with flowers in his hair, tie-dyed shirt and beads round his neck. He is strumming a guitar and singing John Denver's 'Calypso'. Teague picks up discarded bottle. _

_Teague: _Flower Power Happy Pills, Extra-strong. Damn! He must've mixed up pill bottles with that wretched girl of mine. She can't possibly live with those infernal brats of hers without being doped… _(listens to his first mate croon)_ But, hey, a new talent in singing has been born. _(waits till Tom finishes song)_

_Honest Tom: (Still in hippy mode) _Dear all brothers and sisters, do call in with your problems so as we may help you in facing the wondrous journey of life.

_Willy Raven: (phones in)_ Help! I lost me calming pills and- Charity! Get down from the rigging before I crucify ya- The little ones are driving me crazy – Argh! Faith, get yer brother outta that cannon! Listen up, ya misbegotten brats! Another peep from ya and – _(gunshots in background, screams and other sounds of destruction on a large scale)_ Die! Die! You miserable wretches!

_Honest Tom:_ Dear little sister, may I suggest a cuppa flower-tea and Zen meditation? Sometimes when the water is murky, we need quiet and all will be clear as day. _(assumes lotus position)_

_Teague:_ Rum, daughter. It worked for me whenever Jackie was giving me a rough time. A good-ish length of birch-wood applied to a lad's buttocks will also go a long way in maintaining discipline.

_Black pearl crewmate: _I am a bit worried about our captain. Captain Sparrow seems to be constantly drunk. Not that it affects his decision-making adversely but… I mean ya have to be one hell crazy to jump off a cliff onto yer ship. Er, right now he is having another rum party…

_Teague:_ What's new? Drunkenness is the normal state of existence for Jackie boy.

_Honest Tom: _Drunk or sober, it's all relative, brother. As a man may be drunk on rum, another may be intoxicated by the thrill of the chase on the high seas or love of a woman, or a myriad other senses. Who's to say this earthly world with all its pleasures is not an illusion on sea foam?

_Little Mermaid:_ Okay, I am seriously having some regrets now. In a short while, I'll be sea foam all because I could not bring myself to stab that false-hearted prince! I'm too young and beautiful to die! I want to go back to my sisters in the sea. I hate that stupid witch for making me such a rotten deal and I hate myself for falling for a human, argh!

_Honest Tom:_ Peace, sister. All things are as one in the cosmos. The sea, the sky, sun and the seabirds... We are but a miniscule grain in the flow of eternity and death is not the end but the start of another journey, a homecoming… I urge you to free yourself from the burdens of hate, regret and all negativity… Go forth, sister, on a positive note… Even the lowly sea foam has a place in the Good Lord's creation…

_Teague: (knocks first mate out with the butt of his pistol)_ Enough with the hippy-guru preacher thing already! You're starting to freak me out. Any more calls before we clear outta here? No? _Merci!_

_Teague leaves dragging an out-cold Tom behind him. _

**Author's Notes: **

A doped out Honest Tom hippy, body-stealing by Tia Dalma and a stressed-out mother Wilhelmina Raven (Willy Raven), Teague sure had an interesting day.

Cameo by Little Mermaid (Hans Christian Anderson)

Merci - Thank you in French.


	6. Broadcast 6

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Willy Raven, Teague's daughter, and her kids are back, the little terrors. James Norrington and his men get a mention in this.

**Broadcast 6**

_Teague is on the private-line phone on board his ship._

_Teague: _Look 'ere, Chevalle. I understand yer concerns but Barbossa did not name an heir openly and his piece is still unaccounted fer. And no, I am not saving it fer my daughter! Sheesh! One lady like Mistress Ching in the Brethren Court is quite enough… With Willy and her whelps… _(shudder)_ Aye, ye're gittin the picture. Adieu! _(hangs up and heads onto the deck)_

* * *

><p><em>A knot of youngsters are doing a very vigorous hornpipe to the accompaniment of accordion and fiddle on the deck of the Misty Lady as their grandfather watches on with approval. <em>

_Teague: _That, Willy my gal, is good sea shanty _(taps feet to tune)._

_Willy Raven:_ Glad you approve, father dear.

_Teague:_ A real pity about ya losing the captaincy of the _Bloody Mary_ to yer mutinous cousin. Setting ya and the kiddies adrift in nought but yer nightshirts and petticoats is a bit too much… At least you had the presence of mind to hail a passing English warship as a boatload of shipwreck survivors. I would not put it past those scoundrels to hang children.

_Willy Raven:_ All's fair in love and war, father. I do hope he finds my special Champagne di Cantarella… _(winks at children who grin wickedly in return)_

_(Somewhere on the ocean, a pirate captain is dying a slow agonizing death after realising too late that his predecessor and her brats had poisoned that bottle of champagne conveniently stashed in the bottom drawer of the captain's table.)_

_Willy Raven: _I have sent a thank-you note to Commodore Norrington for saving us. Nice chap but not quite my type. I suppose he'd be expecting a big promotion from the Admiralty the way he's hunting down Brother Jack for the purpose of swinging him from his yardarms. I do hope 'Women and children first to the boats' do catch on, at least with Englishmen. Meanwhile, da, I must be getting another ship for the little ones… _(fingering black spot behind her back)_

_Teague: _Say, lassie. You ain't gonna pull a black spot on me like yer sainted ma did tae Granny Grace, are ye? _(starts fiddling with his pistol)_

_Willy Raven:_ Who? Little old me? _(makes innocent eyes and drops tell-tale spot down open hatch nearby)_

_Honest Tom: (pokes head out of same hatch) _Cap'n? We're on air… Oh, is this a black- _(gets hatch cover kicked down and stomped on his head by Willy Raven) _

_Teague: _Was that Honest Tom heading up? _(looks askance at hatch)_

_Willy Raven: _No, father dear. Isn't it time for the Mutiny Special Broadcast you've been meaning to put up on justifications to challenge a captain's authority?

_Teague:_ Thank ye fer reminding me, lassie. Dear listeners, there have been reports of an alarming spike in mutinies on board ships of all flags and some mariners of dubious repute would like me to set the rules on mutiny clearly according to them articles in the Code. Goody! Stinky! Someone bring the book!

_Two very elderly sailors stumbled out on deck with the Pirate Code. Teague unlocks and opens the book as one obliging crewman holds a lantern aloft for light. _

_Teague: _The Code encourages open dialogues between crew and captains in instances of disagreements. Mutinies are explicitly forbidden under Article 45A, Section C of the Code. They are messy, bloody and a sorry waste of time and shipmates. However, exceptions are allowed under the following circumstances: a) Captain has broken major articles in conduct at least three times, including unfair shares of booty, drunk at the helm and other behaviours unbecoming of a pirate captain; b) Captain has lost his mind and is reduced to a raving lunatic insensible to reason; c) intolerable conditions on board ships. Please note, crews, that item c applies to all slavers. Crew and slaves on board are encouraged to mutiny for the sake of liberty and freedom. In the case where captain has been deposed or incapacitated, shipmates are required to elect of their number a captain to ensure smooth sailing. If ye hav any queries, please call in.

_Starbuck:_ Sir, the name's Starbuck and I am first mate on a whaler from Nantucket. I am awfully concerned about my captain, let's just call him A. He has this ungodly obsession with a certain white whale and has been sailing round the earth trying to harpoon him. We have a nice cargo of whale oil in the holds and by all rights we should be getting home to our wives and families instead of chasing some dumb whale. But he threatened me with a harpoon when I brought it up the other day! Do we have a case for justifiable mutiny on grounds of insanity? The worst part is that his insanity seems to be catching on the crew…

_Teague:_ Don't know about whalers, but by pirate standards, that is quite mild behaviour comin' from yer captain. Wait till he starts harpooning shipmates, then ya have legit grounds for mutiny, as well as the support of the entire crew.

_Fletcher: _Sir, Captain B is a tyrant and conditions on board the _Bounty_ are nigh intolerable! As first mate, it is my duty to watch out for the welfare of my mates.

_Teague:_ Define intolerable.

_Fletcher:_ Well, sir, we were on this nice paradise island enjoyin' the native hospitality… There was this lovely native gal I fell hard for and we're about to get hitched, secretly of course. Then on the eve on my wedding day, Captain B decides to round us all up and ship us out! He would not even give me time to say farewell to my fiancée. A week into the journey and he decides to halve our water and food rations. When I protested on behalf of the men, he ordered me flogged like a dog!

_Teague:_ No justification… _(yawns)_

_Fletcher: _He also cut out our rum rations entirely…

_Teague:_ Entirely, you say? That is inhumane! Mutiny, my man, is entirely justified! Go forth, my good man, for the rights of yer shipmates! And that native gal of yours.

_Blackbeard's Gunner:_ Captain Teague. My captain is acting funny and I am a'feared for me life. He spends his time below chanting some mumbo-jumbo over bits of straw and cloth… Quartermaster went down for a look-see and came up all glassy-eyed. I think he has been zombified. _(turns and sees glassy-eyed quartermaster, who promptly grabs him and drags him below decks_) Argh! Help! Oh fer the love of – _(phone goes dead)_

_Teague: _Left it a bit too late now, didn't we?

_Honest Tom: (climbing out of hatch with his head heavily-bandaged) _Weather report, Captain. Straight from our sponsors at the Storm Petrel Weather Bureau. Accurate weather information at your bowsprit. Makes the difference between life and Davy Jones' Locker_ (spits for luck and knocks on the deck three times)_

_Teague:_ Thanks, Tom _(takes the report from first mate) _Hold it, we have one last call coming.

_Gilette:_ Er, is this naval advice hotline? The commodore is obsessed with catching one scrawny pirate for the gibbet and I fear it is starting to affect his better judgement. We are staring at the makings of a bad hurricane and he is not making for safer waters. He wants to continue chasing the _Pearl_… Half the men are already looking a bit green about the gills and the waves are getting higher… I know the _Dauntless_ is a sturdy gal, but -

_Teague:_ Sorry, wrong number, Jack Tar. Unless ye're thinking of goin' pirate- _(gets phone snatched from him by Willy Raven)_

_Willy Raven:_ Is this the _Dauntless,_ Commodore James Norrington's ship? Tell your _(bleep)_ commodore to kiss Jack Sparrow's ass! He'll never, never catch a hold of my brother for the gibbet. No, siree!

_James Norrington:_ For the last time, Groves, I know what I am doing… What are you doing with the phone, Gilette? Is it from Elizabeth? _(takes phone from Gilette hopefully) _Hello?

_Willy Raven:_ This ain't Lizzie, my jolly sailor bold. Remember Mother Goose and her little goslings? Guess what, Jamie, you may be top pirate-hunter but you are not catching my brother Jack Sparrow. And you've been playing host to _moi,_ petticoat pirate Wayward Willy Raven, her merry maids of dishonour and stalwart sons of mischief, for a full week before we reached Gibraltar. Guess what, my dear sonny Jean Baptiste picked your coat pocket before we parted ways. Nice pocket watch… _(dangling silver gilt pocket watch from fingers)_

_James Norrington: _Darn! I knew you reminded me of someone. _(feeling coat pocket with a stricken look) _Please give me back my watch. My departed father gave that to me.

_Willy Raven: (shakes head)_ There's more, luvvie. My chief maid of dishonour – Patience - had the maids take few whacks at jamming a couple of your guns between shifts. Don't go firing them unless you want your pretty ship to go boom. Not that I am not grateful for you picking us up but blood's blood, _comprehende_? I can't have some wig-wearing commodore blowing my brother out of the water, not when I'm saving that pleasure for myself.

_James frantically orders his men to inspect all their guns for sabotage. They are closing in on the Pearl. The hurricane is approaching with thunder and lightning. _

_Willy Raven:_ Better check the rigging and sails, Commodore… I do believe my boys took a shine, _and a sharp knife,_ to them. Boys be boys. Surely it will be inconvenient for you if something were to fall off, like your topmen going splat on the decks. Oh, I can't really remember what mischief we got up to in the hold… Here's some music dedicated to you and your crew.

_Willy snaps her fingers and one of her sons start playing 'Taps' on his bugle to the phone. The rest of the children stand at attention in silence. _

_Willy Raven: _God bless and keep you, Commodore. _(hangs up)_

_A gobsmacked Honest Tom and a stunned Captain Teague stare at Willy Raven._

_Teague: _Dear daughter, surely sabotaging a man's ship so thoroughly is a bit excessive, though I must admit I'm impressed with what the bairns achieved with all those marines on board.

_Willy Raven:_ I must confess, father, the only thing we did was to pick his coat pocket, but checking his ship from bilge to topmast will keep him out of Brother Jack's hair for a while. If we wanted, he would never have left port, except in a pine box.

_Teague: (aside)_ Tom, check all our rigging, guns and sails before letting Willy and her pups off at the next port of call. _(returns to broadcast)_ Now for the weather report, me hearties – the mother of all hurricanes expected off Tripoli. Batten down the hatches. Ships in the vicinity are set for a rollercoaster of a ride with towering waves, storm gales and torrential rains. Aye, the veritable storm of the century. A goodnight to all and sleep tight.

_Playing 'A Pirate's Life' on the bugle, Willy Raven leads her children below and to their hammocks. _

**Author's Notes: **

References to Moby-Dick and the mutiny on the Bounty. The real reason behind the Dauntless' loss is Willy Raven messing with James Norrington? This is just a spot of insanity at explaining how a seasoned commander like James Norrington could lose his ship.

Cantarella – a legendary poison used by the Borgia family to dispose of their rivals.

The deposing of Jack's grandmother by his mom was taken from my other PotC fanfic- Raising Jack Sparrow, chapter 1


	7. Broadcast 7

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Teague berths next to a naval ship? Rat infestations, naval press gangs and a ballad on Josh Gibbs. Jack Sparrow will be so jealous.

**Broadcast 7**

_Late afternoon in a small sea port, Captain Teague and Willy Raven are arguing on the deck of the Misty Lady. Understandably, the ship is flying false flags, a Union Jack and a banner stating 'BABY ON BOARD'. A washing line with petticoats and shirts has also been rigged up. _

_Willy Raven: _Papa, my little ones are willing to help on board where they can but they are still children. We need able-bodied seamen to run this ship!

_Teague:_ No, daughter. We need no new crewmen. My old shipmates are all hale and able to carry out their duties. Look up and see fer yerself, lass. Old Mac and Mitch are still climbing about de yardarms nimble as any monkey in a tree. Best topmen ever. _(smiles and points up at 2 figures on the yardarms)_ Aye, see, they be in their element up among the gulls.

_Willy Raven: (lifts spyglass to her eye)_ Er, I hate to break it to you, father. But they died at their posts and those gulls are pecking out their eyes.

_Nearby, a little girl plays 'Dead Man's Chest' on her pipes as her older sister stitches a shroud. _

_Teague:_ Eh? Then we must git them down… Ain't proper for them to be up when they're dead. And no, we still don't need recruiting, Stinky! _(walks over to a hammock where a form is covered by a blanket)_ Rise and shine, Stinky, me hearty. Rustle up some sails fer –

_The blanket shudders violently and a swarm of rats flee from underneath it. Teague yanks the blanket off the hammock to find a well-gnawed skeleton. _

_Teague: _Ship rats! Where's the cat? _(Watches in disbelief as a platoon of rats toss the bound and gagged cat over the side)_

_Willy Raven: _Uncle Stinky's soul's long departed though his stench remains… _(crosses herself)_ Admit it, father. Your men have been shuffling off the mortal coil without so much as a by-your-leave. You're running this ship on less than a skeleton crew_ (picking up Stinky's skull and long bones. She hands them to her daughter who puts them into the shroud.) _

_Teague:_ Bugger, I can't possibly spare Honest Tom to git new crew – _(turns around to see Raven's children with clubs, shackles and chains)_ Oi, ye lubbers! We aren't a bloody press gang. Pressing honest sailors into service is so goddamned navy! Go git Stinky into his shroud and those two down from the rigging for a proper send-off.

_Children scamper about the decks carrying out their captain's commands. The girl-piper plays a tune which has all the rats following her in a Congo line. _

_Willy Raven: _Honest Tom went ashore for a drink, father. Leave the recruiting to me, papa. We'll need rigging monkeys, swabs and a ship's cat… _(keying items into her iPad)_

_Teague:_ No drunken sailors. No knocked-out sailors and definitely no honest sailors dragged screaming in shackles up the gangplank.

_Willy Raven:_ I'll try, father. But Daven's Port ain't Tortuga. Besides, I fear the navy press-gang's beaten us to it… _(watches as naval press gang drags a motley lot of drunk, unconscious and screaming sailors up the gangplank of a naval man o'war) _I swear on the Codex and mama's head that any crew hired under me will know what mess they are getting into. _(sashays off in her best Sunday dress)_

_Teague:_ Let's get this over with… _(glances warily at naval ship in next berth)_ Our primetime night slot has been usurped by _Treasure Island_ readings and we are allocated to the late afternoon slot until further notice. Tea with Teague indeed. Due to an unfortunate berthing arrangement, please allow us to regal you with recipes for weevil biskies or rat stew before the weather report. This programme is brought to you by _Artful Dodger Ship Insurers._ Sinkings, bad weather and pirate attacks not covered. We would like to advise all callers during the Agony Aunt segment to watch their tongues. No one likes to be swung from their yardarms. First order of business, rat stew… Cookie! You down there? _(shouts down hatch)_

_Cookie:_ Ship's cook reporting, Captain T. Want me to give em the rat stew recipe?

_Teague:_ Go on… _(goes into cabin)_

_Cookie:_ Okay ye landsfolk, first the ingredients for rat stew is rats, skinned, gutted and scrubbed in seawater till soft… _(looks up to see an army of really angry rats) _Er, nice rodents, good rats – NO!

_Squeaking rats attack the ship's cook by jumping on him and knocking him over the side into the harbour with a splash. Teague emerges from cabin. _

_Teague:_ Cookie? Where's he gone tae? Never mind him, here's the weather report… _Sunny sonny Bristol born and bred…_ Huh? This is no weather report. Look's like one of the brats' compositions. Patience, Patience Snipe? _(looks up)_ Oh…

_Wearing her Sunday dress and Easter bonnet, Patience is perched precariously in the rigging with a Kentucky long-rifle aimed at a naval officer on the next ship. There is a loud bang and the hapless officer tumbles into the salty blue. The sniper shimmies down to the deck, pauses and lets loose another shot through the open cabin window of the naval ship. A single groan is heard followed by a thud from within. _

_Teague: _Is this one of yers, granddaughter? And are ye tempting fate sniping at them marines?

_Patience:_ Aye, aye, granddad. Sorry about the sniping, but I simply can't resist. Those fancy uniforms just scream 'shoot here'. Ah, the ballad of Josh Gibbs. One of my drafts. Quite a woeful tune. Want to hear it?

_Teague nods and hands his guitar to Patience. She starts singing country-style. A pirate live band 'Pirates of Penzance' appear behind them, courtesy of the other children._

_Patience:_ Josh Gibbs was Bristol born and bred. Sturdier lads are rarely made… Gather round, ye brothers and sisters. Let's share with ye his woeful tale. Over a tankard of granny's best ale! _(strums the guitar with the chorus singing) _Sunny sonny Bristol born bread, let yer ma remember ye when ye're dead. He was but a stripling when he ran into the local press. Foisted with the King's shilling, a boy he was but nonetheless. How his old ma wept. '_Keep yer damned shilling and gimme back my lad_.' They took him and made him swab the deck… serving his term before the mainmast- _(songs continues on about the myriad abuses in the navy along with some choice insults)_

* * *

><p><em>In Tortuga, Mister Gibbs and the rest of the Black Pearl's crew are listening in on the broadcast. Captain Jack Sparrow walks in and listens. <em>

_Jack Sparrow: _Hey, how come Mister Gibbs has a song sung about him but not me?

_Gibbs:_ They got most of the bits right, 'cept the part about me old ma. She was yelling at that press gang- _'Take me boy but give me my share of his damned shilling!'_

* * *

><p><em>Naval officer: (yelling from next ship)<em> I say! That's pure slander! We don't snatch half-grown boys from their mothers and we don't issue weevil-tainted rations – And we don't flog the men all the time, only on Saturdays! And no, the midshipmen don't run around without their breeches on.

_Teague: (shoots navy man)_ Didn't your mother teach you not to interrupt? My granddaughter's song's not done.

_Phone rings and Captain Teague answers._

_Honest Tom: _Captain, I am in a bit of a pickle. I've been nabbed by the local press gang whilst cuddling up to a barmaid… I need some gold to bail myself out, lest I end up swabbing decks in a British man o' war…

_Teague:_ Fess up yer real age, man. Even the navy wouldn't want greybeards like ye. And ye can tell them ye are medically unfit 'cos ye have the pox on top of consumption and a bad case of the Spanish flu. Toss in cholera and typhoid into the mix with the Black Death. If all else fails there is always that handy little dirk of yers.

_Jack Sparrow:_ _(phoning in)_ Not fair! How come Gibbs gets a song written about him but I don't? Who's the lead character in Pirates of the Caribbean, huh?

_Patience:_ Uncle Jack, Jean Baptiste composed a very naughty limerick about you. Want to hear it?

_Jean Baptiste:_ There was once a pirate named Jack Sparrow, who (bleep-bleep) and (bleeping bleep). So he (bleep-bleep) and (bleep) and they (bleep-bleeping bleep)

_(The poem is so incredibly rude for a late afternoon programme that all offensive words were bleeped by the censors) _

_Jack Sparrow: _For the last time, it is Captain Jack Sparrow.

_Teague:_ Jackie boy, that post of cabin boy still stands if ye ever git tired of running yer own ship. Hello? The whelp's hung up on me! Well, the weather forecast is fine weather and a good wind coming in from the northeast. Here's the Kraken report. The nasty beast has been sighted in waters about Cape Horn as he always has round this time of the year. Must be some migration thingy. Ships are advised to steer clear, way clear. Press-gang warnings in all ports on the western flank of the British Isles. Sailors are advised not to wander about alone and for the sake of yer freedom, stay sober. Well, that is a tall one to stick too. The navy's up to summat and it stinks more than Stinky's socks.

_Willy Raven:_ Father, I'm back! Here're your new crewmates… _(Six monkeys, three chimps and a large orang-utan stare back at their new captain)_

_Teague:_ You hired a troop of monkeys? When I said rigging monkeys, I wasn't referring to lower primates.

_Willy Raven:_ But, papa! They agree to work for a free passage to Singapore. They're nimble, strong and can tie knots.

_Chimp #1:_ I say, Captain, we prefer the term fellow-ape to primates… Should the lads and I familiarize ourselves with the ship a bit before we take to the rigging?

_Willy Raven:_ We took the teeniest liberty of busting Honest Tom from the press gang. _(Hands Teague a bag of shillings) _There will be some honest volunteers who will be less than amused at the recruitment offices.

_Honest Tom crawls back on board his ship, bruised, battered and out of breath. _

_Honest Tom: _Miz Willy, must ye be so quick on yer feet to run?

_Willy Raven:_ Sorry Uncle Tom. I juz wanted to be outta the way of those angry volunteers and their kin once they find that their shillings had been swopped for stones. _(listens to sounds of an angry mob on the docks, lifts spyglass up for a closer look) _Oh, I do believe they have the press gang leader swinging from a lamppost. Hold the ship's new cat for me, please. _(hands wriggling sack to hapless First Mate)_

_Honest Tom: (opens sack)_ This ain't no cat! _(gets attacked by furious ball of fur)_ Argh!

_Willy Raven: _It is a bobcat, Uncle Tom. And isn't she darling? Since Honest Tom seems to be in agony, I believe it is time for the Agony Aunt call-in.

_Captain Hook:_ Help, Captain Teague, as a fellow pirate to another, I need some advice on managing a mob of unruly brats. They fly in everyday and pester us. The worst of the lot is this boy who would not grow up!

_Teague:_ Tell about it. _(sees the children playing shuffleboard with their granny's head as the puck) _Ya knaves, quit beating yer granny's head about the deck!

_Willy Raven:_ Look here, I want this deck cleaned and ship-shape. Anyone caught not swabbing decks will get a taste of the cat.

_Children take one look at poor Honest Tom, who is still being mauled by the bobcat. They put away their shuffleboard things quickly and start swabbing the deck. Teague is presented with his wife's head by Patience. _

_Random pirate #1:_ Captain T, as keeper of the pirate code, could you please advise us on the proper proceedings for dealing with a boatload of captured marines?

_Teague:_ Need ye ask? Shoot them, maroon or keelhaul them. Or hold them for ransom. The choice is yours. If ye look under Section 7 of the Pirate Handbook, there is a jolly long list of things you can do to them. Have fun, lad.

_Rum-runner:_ Hey, Captain T! We be Rum-runners Roger & Rogers. We need ya to settle one outstanding bill from yer son.

_Teague:_ For the last time, I am not picking up the tab for Jack Sparrow. He's a big boy who can settle his own rum bills.

_Random pirate #2: _Captain Teague. We've captured a merchant ship and are making the crew and passengers walk the plank. But we got ourselves a priest in the lot. Is it bad luck to kill a preacher?

_Teague:_ Sorry, me hearty. I know of no case where a preacher gets killed and the crew reports back to me on their luck, good or otherwise.

_Willy Raven:_ Father, I hate to be the harbinger of ill-news but the neighbours in that naval ship are getting a bit suspicious of us. _(points at naval ship whose decks are littered with the results of Patience's sniping games earlier)_

_The gun ports of the ship are now open and guns are aimed at the Misty Lady. _

_Teague: _Crew, let's ship out pronto! Man the sails, up anchor and to the guns! Every man, woman, child, and ape to their posts. _(Chimps, crew and children scramble to their posts)_ That's all for Tea with Teague, ya scurvy dogs. If we ain't blown to kingdom come, we'll be checking in same time next week!Hoist them colours and give no quarter. Cause they will not be giving us any! _(waves his cutlass)_

_Jean Baptiste lowers the Union Jack on the Misty Lady for the Jolly Roger and his mama's red petticoat as a sign no quarter to be given. Still in their Sunday dresses and bonnets, both Willy Raven and her daughters man the ship's guns. Furious naval battle erupts in the small seaside harbour of Daven's Port. _

**Author's Notes: **

Bad berthing arrangements in port, naughty children and a sea battle in the harbour? I must really give Honest Tom a break. Wait till next time to learn if Teague and his crew survive.


	8. Broadcast 8

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Hector and Tia stand in for Captain Teague while he is occupied with major repairs to his ship. Horror-scopes and advice by Tia Dalma.

**Broadcast 8**

_Misty Lady is still afloat but listing badly and her sails are in tatters. Clearly, she has been through a major sea battle recently. Crewmen are busy mending holes in the hull, sails and the broken rigging. _

_Chimp: _Yo, Capt'n T. With some luck, the revenue from the _Pirates of Penzance_ hit single CD _Ballad of Josh Gibbs_ will cover our repair bills. _(working on abacus with his feet while lashing a spar)_

_Teague shouts out something unprintable from below decks. The children forming the Pirate of Penzance band high-five each other in glee. _

_Honest Tom: _Sorry to bother ye, Captain, it is time for Tea with Teague…

_Teague: (working the bilge pumps in only his breeches) _Busy, Tom. Tell our listeners to go – (bleep)

* * *

><p><em>Scene cuts to Tia Dalma's shack.<em>

_Tia:_ Dear all listen'rs, I regret ta informin' ya dat Teague is kinda tied up and ah be takin' over his _Tea with Teague _wi' me own _Horror-scopes with Tia_. Now ah hav some letters seekin' guidance… Ah bin takin' lessins readin' from someone fer dis _(rifles though hemp-pouch, tossing out a jar of ears, stuffed monkey and a peg-leg) _Aha. Here we's go. _(picks out a letter from a pile of them)_ For pirate-y advice, me roomie will help. _(grins lasciviously)_

_Nearby, Hector Barbossa is lying on a bed, snoring, clad only in a pair of Hawaii-style flora print boxers. He is also sporting Tia's black lipstick prints over his face and torso and all indications are that he is sleeping off a night of steamy passion. _

_Tia: _Ah know he's not much to look at now, but da man knows how to treat a woman right. Back to de letter. Here's one from a youn' lady. _I am so confused. I have two men seeking my hand in marriage. I like one of them (W.T.) but he is not of my social class and I'm afraid my papa does not approve. The other (J.N.) is a decent man of my class, but I only treat him as a friend. Then this third man whirls into my life. J.S. is a rogue and pirate but strangely, I am drawn to him. Help. What should I do? – Liz. P.S. I am a Scorpio. _Need ya ask, gal? Choose de pirate! More fun dat way… But see ere, I consult dem cards… _(makes a show of dealing cards)_ Gal, dem cards have spoken. Men will willingly die for yer sake. So watch where ya put dem kisses.

_Hector stirs and sits up. _

_Hector: _Ooh, me head… How much moonshine did we knock back last night? _(looks down and sees tacky floral boxers)_ Yikes! Where be me breeches?

_Tia Dalma:_ On de clothes-line. They be dirty and ah took de liberties of washin' em.

_Hector:_ That's not the only liberty ye took, innit? _(stares at fresh tattoo on arm of crab with I LUV TIA on it)_

_Tia Dalma: _Next letter is from some naval chap. _I like this lady but she does not like me the way I like her. I go after this pirate to hang him but somehow end up shipwrecked. What am I doing wrong? I am a Cancer. – Lonely-heart. _Well, well, Lonely. How about ya and ah git together sometime for a special consultation? I have a weakness for Cancers… Oh, I also have dis love potion darts. Handy fer winning hearts… Gits things goin' ya know.

_Hector:_ Well, I say if ye go after pirates to hang them, ye deserve to be shipwrecked and get ditched by your girl for the boot-boy. Oh, ye should count yer lucky stars ye have not been keelhauled, I know I would have dun that to ye.

_Tia Dalma:_ Another one from, well, well… Witty Jack, hisself… _I made some promises in the past I am not inclined to keep now. How can I get away from an angry Davy Jones and his fishy crew? – Captain Jack Sparrow. _

_Hector: _Jack, if ye be listening in, I want the _Pearl_, then we talk 'bout ditching ye somewhere like the middle of the Sahara.

_Tia Dalma: (shuffling cards)_ Fer old times' sake, Jack. I may hav a wee bit of advice, but ye haftae come see me tae git it, savvy? Oh, a hint – kisses from pretty ladies can be bad for Jackie's health. Ah, here be a letter of quality. _(picks up an expensive-looking gilt-edged letter)_ Ooo, this be from de Gurv'nor… _My daughter broke off her engagement with a commodore and wants to wed a blacksmith's apprentice. Help, where did I go wrong? I'm a Virgo. _Tis not where ya go wrong, but what ya gal sees in dem men. Blacksmiths have nice strong arms tae make a woman feel luvved. If it bothers ya so much, git her to wed that commodore-guy, den she ken hav de freedom to cosy up to not only de blacksmith, but de butcher, de baker and de candlestick-maker whenever he's outta port. Sum gals likes variety, ya know… _(winks)_

_Hector opens medicine cabinet to get toothpaste and is stunned to find instead an entire miniature portrait line-up of Tia Dalma's lovers, past and present, including Jack Sparrow, Sir Francis Drake, Black Bart and Henry Morgan. There is an empty frame at the end with a note stating 'Reserved for Hector B'. _

_Tia Dalma: _Ah, Another letter. _Dear Aunt Tia, I have this girl I am sweet on, but I am afraid her pa doesn't approve. I am a Leo. _Well, my lion cub, ever think of runnin' away to sea wi' er?

_Hector:_ Well, I say you shoot the old geezer in the leg before ya run off with his gal. If ya need a sea-captain to wed ya both, I'll be happy to oblige, seeing I'm a bit of a romantic meself.

_Tia Dalma: _Here be a letter from a nice young un. _Dear Aunt Tia. Can ya teach me to make my teacher into a zombie so as I have no need to hand in homework? _Sorry, I no teach little boys to make zombies. Come see me when you are older, den we talk.

_Hector: (picks up a letter)_ Oh, this one is from Horse-face Chevalle. _I have a Spaniard bugging me about the Straits of Gibraltar and Turk hassling me about the Bosphorous, All because I refused to marry my niece to their sons, along with that small gambling debt I owe them... Then the silly girl runs off with my cabin boy! I am a Capricorn. How can I break my unlucky streak? _Well, the bride's run away and made her choice. So clearly the cabin-boy's a better man than both the Turk and the Spaniard.

_Tia Dalma: (reading cards) _Well, Mister Horsey… I likes a gal who knows her mind. Tell ya what, I will make a little charm fer de miss and her beau fer their safety and happiness. Ya can shift fer yerself wi de Turk and Spaniard.

_Hector: (picks out another letter and reads) We of the sponsors are mighty concerned that no news has been reported… We are also concerned about the whereabouts of Mister Teague, pirate captain and Code Keeper. We are having a riot building at Mother Carey's because some chaps claim that the code has been lost with him and they aren't going to follow it no more._ Well, this I have to say. Even if Captain Teague is dead, his ghost sure isn't going to put up with anyone breaking the code, so the scallywags better watch their backs lest they be choked to death in their sleep by the old Capt'n.

_Tia Dalma: (pouts) _Dem says ah haftae give dem de news too. So here. Capt'n Teague's Misty Lady took a serious beatin' from a naval ship in Daven's Port before she could sail off. However, dem gulls report dat de captain and his motley crew escaped. Dat navy ship? She be lying in harbour waitin' salvagin'. Kraken update. De beastie is in de mood for some luvving and is seekin' female in dem southerly waters. Ah be pickin' dem herbs fer dinner now. Leave it to ye, Hector. Go deal wi de news and dedications _(kisses Hector on the cheek before leaving)_

_Hector: (picks up a stray letter)_ You can trust me, Tia. Well then, here's a dedication. _I wish to dedicate a song to me one and only love, Calypso – Luv Davy. _Well, well… Here's a song fer yer sweetheart – _My Heart Will Go On_… Take it away, ladies.

_A trio of mermaids lounging on the porch of the shack start singing the theme song from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, to flute and harp. _

_Meanwhile, Hector ducks into the next room before emerging fully-dressed with a kayak. He gets into the kayak and starts paddling away from Tia's shack. He does not get too far before an alligator lunges at the kayak, forcing him to paddle back for the safety of Tia's shack. Tia is standing on the front porch with her basket._

_Tia: _Going somewhere, snookums? _(smacks him with basket)_ Do I need to zombify ya? Is it too much to ask fer ya to wait about me place a bit? _(starts cursing hapless Hector in her Creole dialect)_

* * *

><p><em>Scene cuts to a lifeboat, a dozen survivors from the Dauntless, including James Norrington, Gillette and Groves, are in it. <em>

_Gillette: (shaking empty water flask) _Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink… Groves, you had to forget the GPS beacon. _(looks accusingly at his fellow officer)_

_Groves: _Hey, GPS wasn't invented yet. So don't look at me. _(spies ship on the horizon)_ Ship ho! Ship! _(jumps up and down waving his wig)_

_The ship draws closer and the navy sailors see that she is the very battered Misty Lady. Teague is at the bow with a loaded musket. A knot of shipmates armed to the teeth cluster about the deck. _

_Teague: _ To shoot or not to shoot? That is the question, mateys.

_Behind the grown-ups, Teague's grandchildren, Patience Snipe and Jean Baptiste Cormorant, are in a secret conference. Jean has a pair of Tia Dalma's love potion darts, instructions for use and a blowpipe. _

_Jean Baptiste:_ Trust me, sis. I'll get us a papa like all those other kids.

_Patience:_ Try for the commodore or one of those gentleman officers. They're richer and can give us more toys and fancy stuff.

_Jean Baptiste aims and blows his blowpipe, hitting his mom in the neck. Then he leans over the side and aims for Norrington…_

_James Norrington: _Darn! My bootlace is undone… _(bends down to tie his bootlace)_

_As a result, the dart misses him and hits an ugly, bow-legged runt of a sailor sitting next to him. _

_Willy Raven: _Don't shoot, father! I'm in love! Come here, you hunky lover-boy! _(jumps into the lifeboat and kisses the sailor with wild abandon)_

_Teague and the rest of the Misty Lady's crew watch on in amazement as things get hot and heavy between the love-stricken pair. Clearly embarrassed, James Norrington and the other survivors in the lifeboat pretend to be watching the gulls flying overhead as the boat rocks from all that passion. _

_Patience: (cuffs her brother on the head) _Nice going, Jean Baptiste. Now we have a bowlegged common sailor-runt for a father!

_Jean Baptiste smacks himself in the face with his hand and breaks his blowpipe over his knee in disgust._

_Willy Raven: _Papa! Marry us now!_ (in a state of blissful love thanks to the love potion darts)_

_Teague: _Tom... _(hands his musket to first mate with a forced smile)_

_Honest Tom: _Here ye go, Captain_. (hands him a rum flask)_

_Teague takes a hearty swig before ordering the crew to drop ladder to retrieve his daughter and welcome the survivors of the Dauntless on board. _

**Author's Notes:**

Sorry if Tia's Horoscopes did not go as planned. Wonder if anyone has figured out that Hector is still alive from the broadcast. Sounds like the children's plan to get a father backfired. James Norrington rescued by the _Misty Lady,_ a pirate ship? Wonder how he is going to live this one down.


	9. Broadcast 9

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

A shipboard wedding… no, it is not Will and Elizabeth. Though William calls in for some advice.

**Broadcast 9**

_Misty Lady. A very grumpy Teague is sitting and listening to Honest Tom's report. He has his wife's head in his hands. Both captain and first mate are wearing their best clothes and Tom is wearing a white clerical collar. A sullen James Norrington is tied to the mainmast. Several crewmates and naval men swab the decks. _

_Honest Tom: _Status report, Capt'n. The sawbones, carpenter and two of the marines have decided to sign on with us. We have received the ransom for Lt. Gilette from his sister and Groves' mother has sent us his ransom. Them little hints about Lady Groves' old liaison with a certain privateer and that oh-so-proper spinster Miss Gilette's secret love-child did the trick, like expected. The lieutenants are settled in their cabin below for now, chained of course. We'll drop them off on the beach in Kingston and they can trek to Port Royal. Norrington's got no one to pay his ransom since his old uncle died. Has a cousin somewhere about but she couldn't care less, being a pirate herself. Knifed the messenger and all. Proper black pirate lass named Ana-marie or summat like it. So he's still tied to yonder mainmast. The rest of the navy-men agree to swab for us till we reach Tortuga to drop them off. Request permission to walk the commodore off the plank, pirate-style.

_Willy pops her head out of the cabin. She has a wedding veil on. _

_Willy Raven: _Uncle Tom, are you sure this is legit?

_Honest Tom:_ Of course, Miz Willy. I'm a pastor of the First and Only Church of the High Seas… _(sees Teague cocking his pistol and aiming it at his head)_ Er, isn't it time for the broadcast?

_Willy Raven:_ Father! You promised not to stand in the way of my happiness, even if you're not officiating the wedding.

_Teague:_ Anything that makes you happy, Willy lass… _(strained smile)_

_Teague fires pistol into the air when the prospective bridegroom steps out of the cabin with Willy's lipstick prints all over his face. A dead seagull drops onto Norrington's hat. _

_Willy Raven: _Dear all listeners, as Captain Teague's daughter, Wayward Willy Raven, I wish to announce that I am getting married today to Mister Cobbly Toad. So what if he worked for the navy, has bow legs and a face like a toad? Love conquers all! _Vive la amour! (kisses her beau passionately) _

_James Norrington: _Really, I must protest! Your daughter is seducing my subordinate! _(promptly gets gagged by a passing chimp)_

_Teague: _For the record, ye pirates out there, I've never approved of my girl's choice of husbands and I am not starting now! So don't call me up on this! Now back to the news. Kraken activity has been picking up recently in the Mediterranean Sea area. So all mateys are advised to steer well clear. Weather report, sunny, clear skies from Portsmouth to the Ivory Coast with a fifty-fifty chance of hurricanes in the Caribbean. Choppy seas off the Cape. This broadcast is brought to you by the Tortuga tourism board. Serious wenching, drinking and brawling await all ye pirates out there.

_Willy Raven:_ I want wedding now! _(dragging groom to the makeshift altar where Honest Tom is waiting with his Bible in hand)_

_Honest Tom: _Dear all scallywags, whelps, apes and gulls, we are gathered here to witness the union of these two souls. If anyone in our august company should object to this union, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

_Teague: (whispers)_ Pups, yer cue… eh? Where're the poppets? And what's that thumping sound comin' from me ship's bowels?

_James Norrington: (spits out gag)_ Sounds like a Morse code. W-E dash O-B-J-E- mmf!_ (gets gagged again by a passing chimp)_

_Down in the brig, a motley dozen of bound and gagged children are struggling and protesting vigorously. The oldest boy, Jean Baptiste, is thumping their objections to their mother's wedding via Morse code on the bulkhead with his feet. _

_Honest Tom: _I pronounce ye man and wife. Kiss the bride, you sorry toad. _(slams Bible shut and hurries off to join Teague for the news report and Agony Aunt segment)_

_Willy Raven: _Excuse me, hubby. I want to change my dress before the reception, and free the children while I am at it _(hastens off below decks)_

_Teague's son-in-law approaches Teague and sees the shrunken head. _

_Son-in-law:_ Sacre bleu! That is an ugly monkey.

_Teague:_ That is my wife. _(cocks pistol)_

_Son-in-law:_ Oh-oh _(jumps over the side)._

_Teague:_ Tell me, Tom, what is the scallywag doing down there?

_Honest Tom:_ Looks like the frog-style.

_Teague lobs a cannonball over the side. _

_Honest Tom:_ Now it's a dead man's float.

_James Norrington: (spits out his gag again) _Really, this is most barbaric!

_Teague:_ It's all relative, mate. We pirates don't pretend to be what we are not and we didn't fault others for being who they are. And I'm not goin' tae stand by and let some navy dog insult me sweet Jenny, even if she ain't lookin' her best… _(kisses shrunken head)_ We don't fault them that's loves where they do. Like yer folks cuttin' off old Tom Norrington for weddin' his negress housekeeper. Say, ye have a bit of old Buccaneer Tom about ye, Jamie. Ever considered going pirate like…

_James Norrington:_ My Uncle Tom is no pirate!

_Teague:_ Yep, those nasty letters of marque his folks got fer him. Quite embarrassing really. Pirate, privateer… it's all relative, but old Tommy Thunderer is as much a gentleman of fortune as me, even if he's kin to the late Admiral Lawrence Norrington, sorry sod who would rather see his son drown than… Oh bugger that. I can't harm the same lad I personally hauled from a watery death. Cut him loose, Tom, and git 'im below decks outta the sun…

_Willy Raven: (returning with children)_ Father! Where's my hubby?

_Teague:_ Jumped ship. Ye'll git over it.

_Willy Raven:_ The cad! I shall never love again! _(rips up wedding certificate and storms below decks)_ Temperance! Put the tea kettle on! Mama needs a cuppa chamomile!

_Honest Tom:_ Come along now, Jamie boy… _(ushers the commodore below decks and picks dead gull off his hat)_ Haftae make yerself useful before we drop ye off at Kingston. Wouldn't say yer cousin Miz Anamarie would be thrilled though.

_Teague:_ Now we've got that mess over with, here's the news report from London. The parliament has introduced more letters of marque after a goodly number of younger sons of lordships opted to turn gentlemen of fortune on the seas. Rumours of a concerted action to be taken by the East India Trading Co and the British navy against pirates are in the air. So watch yer steps, me hearties. It is time for de Agony Aunt call-in. _(puts up phone) _Hullo?

_Will Turner:_ I'm engaged to and very much in love with a young lady who loves me in return. However, she's the daughter of a gurvn'r and my prospective father-in-law is trying to make me into a society gent so as to match her. Well, I am a rough-and-tumble type of guy. I don't do dancing, dinner parties or stuffy clothes… God, I swear if I have to go to Aunt Maddy's place and listen to her complaints about her Corgis again, I'm gonna kill the little beasties! What should I do without upsetting the governor or losing my sweetheart?

_Teague:_ Laddie, you sound like a potential pirate. Who exactly are ye weddin'? His governor lordship and the bloody high society or yer lady-love? Elope, man! We gentlemen of the high seas will be more than willin' to welcome ye and the lass into our society.

_Governor Swann:_ My daughter broke off with a suitable young man for a most unsuitable stripling. I'm trying to turn him into a suitable gentleman but it is not working. Will it be proper to get in touch with her ex-fiancé and encourage them to renew their acquaintance? Elizabeth is so stubborn…

_Teague:_ As a father meself, I understand yer dilemma havin' stubborn offspring. Do what ye will, mate. But I believe short of lover-boy meeting his demise, the old flame hasn't the ghost of a chance.

* * *

><p><em>Below on the gun deck, Willy Raven, her children and the commodore are having a proper English style tea with sandwiches and tea biscuits. Willy has apparently recovered from her grief and is showing off some magic tricks for the children's entertainment. <em>

_Willy Raven:_ Voila! The coin is here! _(magically yanks out coin from behind a girl's ear to applause)_ Now, I will take this silver pocket watch and wrap it in this hanky…

_James Norrington:_ Hey! That's my watch. No!_ (watches in horror as Willy Raven whacks the hanky and watch with a mallet)_

_Willy Raven:_ Hocus-pocus _(waves hanky and smashed watch bits fall out)_ Oops, that was not the plan… Argh!

_James Norrington:_ You wrecked my father's watch!

_An enraged commodore leaps on the magician and the duo roll and scuffle about the gun-deck to claps and cheers from the kiddy audience. James' cell phone on the tea table rings and a little girl answers it. _

_Governor Swann:_ Hello, is this Commodore James Norrington?

_Girl:_ Nope, sir. The commodore is busy getting all hot and sweaty rollin' 'bout the gun-deck wi' me mama… _(hangs up)_

* * *

><p><em>Back to Teague.<em>

_Davy Jones: _Hello, I have bit of problem. I have this ex-lover I can't get over…

_Teague:_ Oh, it is Mister Lovesick who is Terra-phobic to boot. Found any lusty mermaids yet?

_Davy Jones:_ Tried it, mate. But they start turning all barnacle-ly after a jaunt on me ship.

_Teague:_ Pray tell, which cursed ship do ye hail from? _(getting an unsettling feeling in his gut)_

_Davy Jones:_ The Flying Dutchman… Oh, Teague. Could ye kindly advise the whereabouts of one Jack Sparrow? He has something he owes me…

_Teague:_ Jackie boy! What kinda trouble have ye gotten yerself into now? _(launches into a tirade about his estranged son, forgetting he is still on air)_

* * *

><p><em>Black Pearl, Tortuga. Gibbs and the crew are listening in to the show. <em>

_Mister Gibbs: _Captain Teague sure sounds pissed at the Captain…

_Bootstrap Bill shambles in with his barnacles. _

_Bootstrap Bill: _Message for Jack Sparrow. He in?

_Jack Sparrow:_ That's Captain Jack _– (sees Bootstrap Bill)_ Oh bugger…

**Author's Notes:**

Some philosophy from the Code Keeper. Willy Raven is a lousy magician. Wonder what Weatherby Swann made of the reply from the little girl.

There was a bit in Young Jack Sparrow series about Teague saving James' life when he was a little boy.

Yes, it is time for the Dead Man's Chest arc.


	10. Broadcast 10

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

More commodore torture before the crew drops him off at Tortuga. Jack Sparrow calls in for help.

**Broadcast 10**

_The Misty Lady on the high seas. A sleeping Captain Teague and commodore are sprawled over a table with empty bottles rolling about their feet. Willy Raven, dressed in a tea-gown, comes on deck and takes in the sight. Honest Tom joins her. _

_Honest Tom: _Like I sez, Miz Willy, Capt'n and de Commodore sat down for a drink. Then they really started going head to head putting away the rum… Tis time for the broadcast but they both are out of it.

_Willy Raven:_ Tom, have my Temperance put the kettle on for Father. As for the Commodore… dunk him.

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye, ma'am. _(whistles)_

_The children rush forward, grab hold of Norrington, tie him to a chair with a rope attached and chuck him over the side. The children wait for a few moments before hauling him back on board, spluttering but very much sober. James has lost both his hat and wig. His clothes are ragged from brushing up against the barnacles on the hull. For Teague, a young granddaughter comes on deck with a pot of black tea. Willy pours a cup and urges Teague to sip the tea. _

_James Norrington: _Your li'l pirates just tried to kill me!

_Willy Raven:_ I'm not wasting my black tea on you. Russian Caravan is so hard to come by. _(tosses towel over his head)_

_Teague: (coming to)_ Whoa, that was some rum session, wasn't it, Jamie? We'll make a buccaneer of ye yet… Status report, Tom…

_James Norrington:_ I certainly hope not _(shudders and dries himself off). _

_Honest Tom:_ Last night we dropped Misters Gillette and Groves off on a Kingston fishing smack crewed by a Miz Anamaria. They should make Fort Charles by now. Oh, the former commodore kicked Gillette overboard into the smack with a letter resigning his commission with the Royal Navy over the loss of the _Dauntless_ before signing on with our merry crew to prove he is as good a buccaneer as his dear Uncle Tom… _(holds the contract James signed out to captain)_

_James Norrington:_ What? I did that? How drunk was I last night?

_Teague:_ Very, my lad. Don't fret. _(takes contract from Honest Tom and rips it up)_ We accept sign-ons from sober men only. Don't be too hard on yerself. Even yer Uncle Tom lost a ship or two during his captaincy. Tom Thunderer Norrington is a gentleman pirate and you have the makings of one… _(offers him a quill and a fresh contract) _Sign on?

_James Norrington:_ Definitely not. Where are we heading?

_Teague:_ Tortuga, the den of iniquity for all dodgy mariners. Do consider my offer, Jamie-boy…

_Willy Raven:_ Ahem, gentlemen, it is time for _Tea with Teague_. _(sips her tea from a dainty Wedgewood cup) _Besides I believe many of our fellows out there would take offence at the great pirate-hunter joining our ranks, seeing that a good many pirates have been treated to the long drop with a sudden stop courtesy of him.

_Some pirate below decks:_ String 'im up capt'n!

_Teague:_ Good afternoon ye scallywags and wenches. First order of business, news _(takes news sheet from Honest Tom)._ The Flying Dutchman and her captain Davy Jones have been sighted in the Caribbean Sea, a long ways from his typical hunting grounds in the North Atlantic. Perhaps the preachers and chaplains on the ships doing that run are getting to him. Kraken sightings off the Cape of Good Hope. Mates are warned not to trust those dodgy anti-Kraken stickers being peddled by a certain Chinaman operating outta Singa… Sao Feng! When will ye cease tryin' tae make a quick buck off your fellow pirates? Honest Tom, take notes fer me. Shoot Sao Feng on sight.

_Honest Tom: (scribbles away)_ Should we put in an appointment to clean our hull, Capt'n?

_Teague:_ Not yet…

_James Norrington:_ _(pulling a moray eel out of his shirt) _You have a bleeding coral reef on your hull.

_Willy Raven: _Father, we have a call from one Monsieur Jacque Cousteau asking your permission to film the ecosystem that has developed on the bottom of the Misty Lady. _(nibbles on sugar cookie)_ It was a toss-up between us and the _Flying Dutchman _and they reckon we have more vibrant sea-life thriving on our bottom than that floating ghost-

_Teague:_ Tom, schedule a careening on the easterly sand bank outside Tortuga, far enough from the nearest tavern so as not to hav the apes skippin' off for a drink every half-hour…

_Honest Tom:_ Today's main sponsor is the _Faithful Bride Tavern_ - the must-visit watering hole for all callers to Tortuga. The secondary sponsor is _Blue Clipper Tea_… Tea for all occasions…

_Teague: _Tea? What's next? Swiss watches with gemstones? Naval movements into the Atlantic and the Bahamas expected over the coming months… Oh, some lord with the East India Trading Company expected in Port Royal. Ransom opportunity, me hearties. Look out fer some short snobby lord on any ship ye come across. Name of Cutler Beckett. Started out as a no-account slaver and bought his way into high society – another reason why Society is not worth knowing at times. I'm going to enjoy lopping off his fingers and mailing them wi' the ransom note.

_James Norrington:_ You people are barbaric!

_Teague:_ Well, yer uncle preferred sending out eyeballs, then ears, then limbs…

_James Norrington:_ I'm not listening to this… _(goes below) _

_Teague:_ We'll call ye up when we git tae Tortuga! Do call in now, folks! Me little girl will be advising ye today, this old captain needs a wee shut-eye… _(hastens into cabin)_

_Willy Raven: (chokes on tea)_ What! Father, really!

_Honest Tom:_ I'll help, Miz Willy…

_Willy Raven:_ Thank you. _(kisses Honest Tom on the cheek)_

_Jack Sparrow: (calls in)_ I have a spot which needs removing…

_Honest Tom:_ To remove stubborn stains from fabric, I recommend an overnight soaking in stale pee and a good rinse in the sea.

_Willy Raven_: The _Good Housekeeper's Handbook_ recommends the use of lye-soap…

_Jack Sparrow:_ Er, this spot is on me hand… It's a wart-like thing…

_Willy Raven:_ How come I am not surprised you caught the Great Pox, Brother Jack? That comes of tumbling about with wenches in dubious houses. You have been showing the neurological symptoms of syphi-

_Jack Sparrow:_ I don't have de Great Pox! This is a black spot Davy Jones had slapped on me hand so as to have his Kraken track me…

_Willy Raven:_ I recommend you try securing the services of a surgeon and lop off the limb. Oh, keep away from me and the children. We do not need Jones' pet squid coming after us.

_Jack Sparrow:_ But I'm yer brother by blood! Surely that counts fer something?

_Willy Raven:_ The safety of a dozen sons and daughters trump that of a drunkard brother. Goodbye, it's been nice knowing you.

_Bootstrap Bill: _I'm havin' of a struggle wi' my conscience. You see, I'm now working for this captain D, who is a mean character. He sets me to do something unpleasant to another chap, let's just call him Jack. I've done it but I feel mighty guilty as I like Jack. He was a fair captain in his time and we were friends, before that marooning and all…

_Honest Tom:_ Jump ship and help yer friend, mate.

_Bootstrap Bill:_ No can do. Part of the crew, part of the ship. Part of the crew, part of the ship…

_Willy Raven:_ That sounds kinda weird… Are you a zombie? Hello? Guess he hung up. Next call!

_Sea Shepherd_: The name's Watson, Captain Watson. We're busy trying to save the whales in the Southern Ocean. However, we are getting nowhere trying to stop those whalers with our rancid butter bombs. We are outclassed with regards to our vessels. They call us pirates so I'm calling in for advice. How do we stop a larger ship?

_Willy Raven: (grinning widely) _Now this is a chance to give advice I relish. _(shouting up to the lookout)_ Charity! Any ships on the horizon?

_Charity: _Aye, aye, Mama! One man o'war on the horizon, approaching! Spanish navy by the looks of her.

_Willy Raven:_ All hands! Turn her to the wind! Ready the guns.

_Decks erupt in a flurry of activity with children, sailors and chimps scrambling about. _

_Honest Tom:_ Shouldn't we inform the captain?

_Willy Raven: (inspecting the ammunitions and guns)_ Captain Watson, I will now demonstrate with the help of my children and shipmates how to stop a large man o'war, on a permanent basis. First, you must have the correct ammunition. Rancid butter bombs are no match for these puppies… Canister shot for maiming and killing at close range. These canisters are chock-full of old metal bits and nails, designed to render a man to mincemeat. Round-shot for smashing wooden hulls through. Chain-shot for bringing down the rigging. Take the wheel, Uncle Tom!

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye! _(seizes the wheel)_

_Willy Raven: _More speed. More sails! We need more speed. Uncle Tom, if we live, I want an overhaul of this ship's careening and maintenance schedule. Can't keep hauling a reef system about the seas.

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye, Miz Willy. I agree wholeheartedly.

_Willy Raven:_ The first action is to get close to the ship for the kill, careful to keep out of their line of fire. A good line of sight with the vulnerable stern and the quarterdeck of your enemy is essential to inflict maximum damage on their chain of command. Rule of thumb, take out the commanders and the men will flounder, since independent thought is not the strong point of the navy. Avoid facing broadsides when facing an uneven fight.

_Misty Lady draws closer to man o'war, narrowly avoiding the cannonballs from the man o'war._

_Willy Raven: (waving cutlass and commanding crew over the din)_ Canister-shot to the quarterdeck! Let's swab their decks in blood! Chain-shot to cripple her! Fire high into her sails, I want them in rags! Round-shot below the waterline. I want the Spanish to be sleeping with the fishes tonight.

* * *

><p><em>Teague is snoring in his cabin when he was jarred awake by the sounds of battle. <em>

_Teague: _What's this? A battle? Willy! Tom! Count me in! _(grabs cutlass and hastens out) _

_Willy Raven: _Father! Glad you can join us. Fire a bit higher, Mercy dear.

_Mercy: _Yes, mother dear. (_adjusts bearing of cannon with her sisters_)

_Teague:_ _(studying the man o'war through his spyglass)_ She is a fine ship. Are ye intending to sink her? Ye could use a ship like her…

_Willy Raven: _Now that you mention it, yes. But we'll have to board her.

_Teague:_ I have some Chinese grenades Mistress Ching gave me the last time. They will be of use about now.

_James Norrington:_ What's the din? _(emerges on deck)_ Lord! A sea battle… _(ducks stray chain-shot) _Are those monkeys and children handling the guns? This is most irregular.

_A monkey scampers past him with a bag of black powder for the guns. _

_Willy Raven:_ Grab a sword, Norrington. How good are you at boarding and capturing?

**Author's Notes:**

So the crew of the Misty Lady runs into a pitched sea battle. The _Good Housekeepers' Handbook_ is something I came up with, even though there were books on housekeeping in the 18th century. Stale pee was been used a bleaching agent in the old days for the urea content.

Sea Shepherd – Yes, it is that somewhat militant environmental group. Personally, my sympathies are with the whales, rather than whalers (unless they do their work the old-fashioned way with hand harpoons in a wooden boat- refer to Melville's Moby Dick). Gives the whales a fighting chance.


	11. Broadcast 11

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

This is more a filler broadcast than anything. Some loving brother-sister exchanges and a pirate regatta? Expect mayhem. A special thanks to Jandra1969 for the little titbit on Klaas Stoertebeker. I have included him in this broadcast.

**Broadcast 11**

_The Misty Lady in Tortuga. There is a large mass of people gathered by the docks and more in small boats and other manner of water-craft. The place has a distinctly carnival feel to it. A large banner hoisted up between two goods-shacks states '15__th__ TORTUGA PIRATE REGATTA'. Jack Sparrow is in a small rowboat alone and shouting up to his sister and her children, who are peering out of the gun-ports of the ship._

_Jack Sparrow: _Come on, Willy… Don't do this to me…

_Willy Raven:_ Sorry, brother. No can do. Best you shift out before old Davy Jones and his Kraken gets you. Look on the bright side. I have made a little bet on the outcome of today's race on your behalf with the other Pirate Lords save that dead Barbossa guy. A hundred Spanish dollars for the _Jackie Sparrow_ to win or none. Hopefully you can negotiate your way out of trouble with that much gold.

_Jack Saprrow:_ Where's she, the _Jackie Sparrow_?

_A sad-looking sailboat with tattered sails and a pair of old sailors bailing constantly bobs out from behind the Misty Lady. Her name is the Jackie Sparrow. The boat limps into line with the other racers at the starting line. _

_Jack Sparrow: _Willy, do ye hate me that much? That washtub will never win the race.

_Willy Raven:_ Never say never, brother. Besides, even if you do lose, a century on the _Flying Dutchman_ will be a walk in the park compared to what the other Lords said they'd do to you if you default on the payment. Let's see, Mistress Ching will inflict the legendary death of a thousand cuts on you. Senor Villanueva wishes to have you drawn and quartered. The Gentleman Jocard promises to throw you to the hyenas for old times' sake… Oh, Sao Feng is still peeved at you for cuddling up to his baby sister and then badmouthing her, thus rendering her unmarried to this day and stuck under Sao Feng's guardianship. They want to bury you alive up to the neck just below the high-tide mark and have the crabs gnaw the flesh off your bones.

_Jack Sparrow:_ I was young and foolish back then! And his sister really has buckteeth, cross-eyes and the worst case of B.O. ever on the seven seas!

_Willy Raven:_ Like real…_ (sprays air-freshener liberally over the none-too-fragrant Jack) _We all know which pirate is the stinki-est.

* * *

><p><em>On the docks, the guest of honour, Captain Teague is standing on a makeshift podium of crates. <em>

_Teague: _Ahoy, me hearties! Today's de 15th Tortuga Pirate Regatta. And I will be covering the race live from Tortuga! My first mate will be assisting me in the coverage from his perch way up.

_Honest Tom is in the crow's nest of the Misty Lady, which overlooks the race, with a spyglass in hand. _

_Honest Tom: _Ahoy, all pirates and wenches. We have with us today sixteen entries which are still alive and afloat, down from the original twenty-five registered yesterday… _(looks askance at sunken boats and bobbing corpses near the start line) _ The Code Keeper will brief us on the rules of the race…

_Teague:_ Rules of the regatta are as follows: competitors are to row or sail their tubs along the prearranged course, past Gallows Spit, throu' de Devil's Archway and round de Siren's Rock, Little Nipper's Bank and Skull Island before returning to the dockside and crossing the finish line. Be reminded that any attempt to take short-cuts or deviate from the course will be hazardous to yer health as we have mined the surrounding waters along the course. Otherwise, ye are allowed to shoot, ram, sabotage and otherwise eliminate your fellow pirates in the course of de regatta. On me fire! Ready, set… GO! _(Fires pistol into the air and a dead seagull drops on top of a nearby wench's bosom, namely Giselle's)_

_Giselle screams and grabs the seagull. She slaps it across the face of Mister Gibbs who happened to be standing behind her. A full-blown riot breaks out on the pier with spectators being shoved into the water. _

_Teague: (steps nonchalantly into a waiting rowboat) _Typical. Just typical. Nothing a good old-fashioned brawl to kick off the race. Oh, we have our first casualty of the race… Looks like a fatality… The _Jackie Sparrow_ is out. She has sunk!

_The Jackie Sparrow is lying on her side with two dead sailors bobbing nearby. Teague reaches out to one and carefully plucks a wicked-looking dart from the man's neck. He sniffs it. _

_Teague: _Poison darts. Now, this is a first! Whatever will they come up with next? Time-delayed limpet mines?

_Somewhere in the heaving crowd on the pier, Jack Sparrow yells in dismay. Teague turns round. _

_Teague:_ Was that Jackie boy? Nay, couldn't be… Tom! How's the race?

_Honest Tom:_ The _Swordfish _and the _Marlin _are taking the lead, neck to neck -

_There is a loud boom and pieces of wood and sail rain down, along with bits of flesh, blood and bone. Tom flicks a human ear off his shirt. _

_Honest Tom:_ Correction! The _Marlin _has been eliminated from the race. _Swordfish _now in the lead with the _Mako _hot on her heels. In third place is the _Hessian _under the able command of Klaas Stoertebeker, a hot favourite to win. Following them is the _Henry Morgan, Drake,_ _Voodoo Queen, Viking, Chevalier, George Merry _and the the _Admiral's Ass_ bringing up the rear of the pack. The weather is sunny but the wind is still, so all boats have their oars out…

_A boat tries to take a short-cut and another explosion occurs. _

_Teague_: We have another competitor out of the race. The _Scarlet Rose_ has strayed out of the course and encountered a mine. We mourn the passing of her crew. Oh, the _George Merry_ is being rammed by the _Hessian _after trying to row past her. Nasty business. Oops, someone has lost an arm _(peering through a spyglass)_

_Honest Tom: _A paddleboat! The _Voodoo Queen_ seems to have instilled a waterwheel thingy and the crew is pedalling away. Nice innovation! She's passing the others. Some commotion on the _Hessian_… Ah, I believe we have a mutiny in progress. Stoertebeker has just been tossed over the side. In the medley, the _Admiral's Ass_ has overtaken the _Hessian_ and their captain has tossed something into the-

_Another loud explosion rocks the crow's nest, Tom almost falls from his perch and pulls himself back in. _

_Honest Tom:_ What a bang! A grenade. I repeat, the _Hessian _has been blown sky-high by a grenade courtesy of the _Admiral's Ass_. But it seems the _Admiral _has taken some damage to the stern. Her crew is bailing and she's falling behind… I believe she is sinking. Yes, she is. Gross miscalculation by the crew there…

_Teague_: The _Swordfish_ has passed through the Devil's Archway and the _Mako_ is making good time at second place. Third is the _Voodoo Queen_… Oh, a crush there with the pack trying to get past the arch. A broadside collision between the_ Viking_ and the _Chevalier_… both crews are now engaged in hand-to-hand combat. We're not even halfway through and half the boats are out… Most of the boats can't get past with those two jamming up… Wait, the _Henry Morgan_ is slipping past. Sneaky one that.

_Honest Tom:_ The wind is picking up now. We can expect the boats to switch from rowing to sail. Yes, the _Swordfish_ and _Mako _are hoisting- what's this? The_ Swordfish's _mast has snapped due to the wind. It reeks of sabotage. Her sails are dragging her over. She has capsized! _Mako _takes the lead.

_Teague:_ The _Mako_ is a ketch under the command of Captain Loki… A sleeper. She has been refitted to be light and easy to handle in the roughest surf… Wait, the _Voodoo Queen_ is inching ahead… The_ Queen_ is captained by... Tia Dalma? Wait, are those dolphins dragging the boat?

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, yer eyes do not deceive. The _Voodoo Queen_ is being helped by those large fish and her crew of three are paddling fit to burst a vein while Tia Dalma is apparently cursing the other competitors. Commotion at Siren's Rock. The _Drake_ has run aground. Distracted by the local mermaid Lorelei no doubt… Er, their captain seems to be enthralled by the mermaid. Ooh, nasty end that… Having your throat torn out by yer blond and busty date is no jest. Never pays to be Don Juan about Lorelei.

_Teague:_ They're not fish, Tom. Dolphins are mammals… _(peering through spyglass)_ I believe one of the _Voodoo Queen_'s crew is our old friend Thunderer Tom Norrington's nephew James. The chap with the ostrich plume hat looks familiar too… I believe the third crewman is Anamaria, Thunderer's wee lassie. And they claim the cousins ain't close...

_A cannon boom sounds. _

_Teague:_ Whassat? Tom! How stands the race?

_Honest Tom:_ _Mako_ still in the lead… Cannon fire from the _Henry Morgan_ at the _John Silver. John Silver's_ crew retaliating with Greek-fire. Fire! The _Henry Morgan_ is aflame. Look at her burn like a Guy Fawkes bonfire! Emergency beaching on Little Nipper's Bank for the _Henry Morgan_… Some of the scallywags are alight too… Stop, drop and roll. That's the spirit! The _John Silver_ is crippled. Her sails're in tatters. That will cost them dearly now they've to row.

_Teague:_ I see them a-coming in! A tough fight with the wind and current against them round Skull Island… The _Mako _is slowing and using her oars. One must be careful not to be caught up in the current… Too late for the _Captain Cutter_. She's stuck in that nasty whirlpool… Always a pain to see a fine craft reduced to toothpicks... The crew of the _Mako _is receiving motivation from their captain. Captain Loki is playing the Jaws theme music on his drums. Nice touch but it is not enough to stop the _Voodoo Queen_ from catching up. Captain Loki taking matters in a more head-on way as she passes… Wicked! He almost took off that chap's head with his battle-axe. Oh, Norrington's nephew clearly is not too pleased almost losing his crewmate. He's run Loki through with his sword. Nice follow-through with the axe to the hull of the _Mako_ by Anamaria.

_Honest Tom: _The _Mako_ is sinking. Yes, the _Voodoo Queen_ is taking the lead… No sign of the dolphins now. She's crossin' the finish line!

_Teague:_ The winner is _Voodoo Queen_! Eh, she's continuing up the shore. Is her captain beaching her? Are those crabs? The _Voodoo Queen_ is being carried by crabs… But it is official. The winner is the _Voodoo Queen!_

_Cheers and jeers from the crowd. Tia Dalma is presented with a battered tin trophy with a bag of gold coins in acknowledgment of her win. Her crew makes a quick getaway in the chaos. Both James and Barbossa have their hats pulled low over their faces and Anamaria has her scarf wrapped round her face.  
><em>

**Author's Notes: **

Pirate boat races are definitely deadly. Sabotage, murder and all that are part and parcel of it, along with deadly mines, mermaids and whirlpools.

The crew of Tia Dalma's boat are Barbossa, Anamaria and James Norrington (ex-commodore).


	12. Broadcast 12

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Captain Teague gets into a little labour disagreement with his crew. (pause) _Les imbeciles_…

**Broadcast 12**

_The Misty Lady is in harbour in Tortuga. Teague and his loyal crewmates are tied to the mainmast and surrounded by a troop of monkeys and apes. _

_Honest Tom:_ This is embarrassing… Sure we don't need to call Miz W-

_Teague:_ Drop it, Tom. I'm not admitting that we've been mutinied upon by a troop of baboons…

_Chimp:_ I said the proper term is ape, old man. Now behave or you get to walk the plank… Listen 'ere. We want fresh bananas every day. Rations of-

_Willy Raven saunters up the gangplank with her groceries and shoots the chief mutineer point-blank. Her children shoot the rest with the efficiency of a SWAT team. _

_Willy Raven:_ Papa, I'm home from the bazaar. Had some problems?

_Teague unties himself and his loyal crew from the mainmast. He has a loaded musket in his hands. _

_Teague:_ No, daughter. I was about tae deal with de mutinous rats meself. _Gracias_ anyways.

_Nearby, Willy Raven's young daughter is bludgeoning a monkey with her gun._

_Willy Raven: _Mercy, you're getting brain matter and stuff over your sundress.

_Mercy:_ But my gun jammed_! (whacks the monkey)_

_Willy Raven:_ Carry on, but PETA would probably want to lodge a complaint. Father, I have some lads for you to meet. Peter and Paul Blackbird. _(whistles)_

_Two black slave boys come up at Willy's signal._

_Teague:_ Wilhelmina, I do not approve of slavery-

_Willy Raven:_ But I got them cheap. Two bullets for both. One for the gentleman selling them, the other for his clerk. Point-blank to the temples.

_Teague:_ That's a bargain, I must admit. Still I'm not taking on slaves on me ship.

_Willy Raven:_ But Papa… think of the poor, poor boys… _(dabs at eyes with lacy hanky)_ alone in this oh so cruel world…

_Her children play really sad music on violins_

_Teague: _Fine, I take 'em on, only as freed men. Free them _(Honest Tom unchains the pair on Teague's command)_ Listen 'ere, Peter and Paul. Here be de indenture papers. Till yer eighteenth birthday ye will in exchange for yer labours on me pirate crew, receive food, clothes and lodging in addition to an education in the fine art of seamanship. After which ye be left to shift fer yerself. Sign here and Honest Tom will show yer to yer hammocks.

_The newly freed slave boys sign their contracts before following Tom below. _

_Willy Raven: _Would you like some help with the broadcast today, _mon pere?_

_Teague: _Thank ye, daughter, but I'll manage while ye and the pups cast off. List'n up ye scallywags! We've been receivin' complaints from the average pirate on the workin' conditions on board ships. Thus, I am obliged to clarify some things about the Code with regards to working conditions. _(produces pocketbook version of the Pirate Code from coat pocket) _Firstly, election fer posts of Captain and Quartermaster are democratic and every man, woman and child above the age of two are legible tae vote fer whoever they deem best fer the job. Other posts are to be appointed by the captain and quartermaster at their discretion. Oh, yes, captains and quartermasters are not to claim immunity against the black spot. Second, rum is an essential ration and must take precedence over booty, grub and life-saving medicine. Thirdly, let no man-jack on board be a slave. Yes, Ammand my corsair friend, I am referring to ye and those thirty chaps ye have rowing fer ye. Drop the chains and whip already, that's so bloody Ben-Hur… Indentures for the training of young uns are allowed…

_Ammand: (calling in) _Most respected Code Keeper, I'm sorry but I cannot comply. Do you have any idea how much trouble and mischief my crew will get up to with thirty young boys in the hold? It'll be worse than the time they got into the Sultan's harem-boat…

_Teague:_ Code's the code, mate. Your problem with the labour, figure it out. Lastly, no zombifying of shipmates. We have been receiving complaints of a certain ship practicing this unsavoury management style. All fellow mariners are reminded to steer clear of the _Queen Anne's Revenge._ Now the Kraken report. The nasty beastie has been sighted off the coast of Scotland, apparently mistaking the call of bagpipes fer a mating call. _(Honest Tom hands a newssheet to Captain Teague) _Oh my, the daughter and soon-to-be son-in-law of Governor Swann of Port Royal have been arrested on charges of assisting in the escape of Jack Sparrow…

_Jack Sparrow: (calling in)_ That's Captain Jack – _(turns around and sees a large tentacle feeling about the pier) _Oh never mind… _(hangs up and runs)_

_Teague: _As I was saying, Lord Cutler Beckett, damn the man to Hell, has also issued a warrant fer the arrest of one ex-commodore James Norrington fer serious derelict of duty. Shipmates, I say let's welcome the old commodore into our brotherhood of rascals so as to twit His August Lordship. Now we're done with the news, Honest Tom will give ye the weather forecast from our sponsor- the Seaweed Weather Bureau.

_Honest Tom: (poking at a piece of hanging seaweed) _Seaweed's dry. Dry spell ahead, methinks…

_Willy Raven: (running up to the deck) _Papa! Terrible news! The rum casks all sprung a leak and all our rum's gone! Thank goodness we still have our tea leaves and water casks…

_Teague: (grimaces) _Aye, Tom. A dry spell awaits us. Tom…

_Honest Tom smashes a box labelled 'Emergency Rum' and hands the bottle inside to Teague, who takes a swig. _

_Teague:_ Turn her round, we need more rum.

_Honest Tom: _Aye, aye, Capt'n. While we're at it, it is also time for the call in.

_Anamaria: _I'm calling to complain about me cuz. He is an able sailor and near-flawless in a swordfight, but his capacity for rum is sorely lacking such that I am very embarrassed as a pirate to say he's kin of mine. If it weren't bad enough learning my pa was gentry-born and carried letters of marque… my cuz was once a dirty pirate-hunter. Is it proper to kick him in the pants and into the harbour to drown? Whoever heard of a pirate who gets drunk by his fifth bottle?

_Honest Tom: _We can't choose family, Miss. But it takes all types to make the ocean.

_Teague: _Why bother kicking him into the ocean when he is doing a bang-up job drowning himself in a rum barrel?

_Will Turner: _I'm calling for some urgent advice. My beloved has been falsely arrested and I need to rescue her from the Fort Charles jail. I know the bars there are solid because I put them in last year…

_Teague: _Ye built the jail cells and never thought to keep a skeleton key? Laddie, either ye are the most honest man on the Seven Seas or a fool.

_Willy Raven: _Go in guns blazing with your pirate friends and save your true love! Oh, and get killed in the process so as we can sing ballads about you. I so love romantic tragedies…

_Honest Tom: _Mate, if ah were ye, ah'd take the Governor hostage and make a deal…

_Will Turner: _The governor is her father!

_Teague: _He must really disapprove of ye romancing his lassie… Hello? He's hung up… Young uns these days…

_Weatherby Swann: _Er, hello… I'm the governor of Port Royal. My daughter has been arrested and is held in prison by Lord Beckett.

_Teague:_ So? Ye're the gurvn'r, ye bust her out.

_Weatherby Swann: _But I'll get into serious trouble with His Lordship and the folks back in London.

_Teague: _Mate, are you a man or a milquetoast? Yer little girl must be so-oh-terrified in the nasty prison and her papa is a craven coward not sticking up fer her.

_Weatherby Swann: _Golly, you're right! I'm not letting my Elizabeth suffer another minute longer-Thank you, my good man _(hangs up)_

_Teague: _It's shipmate, guv. And I am not a good man but a pirate.

_Blackbeard:_ Old Man T., I have just been reunited with my daughter. Heck! What am I doing with a busty young filly? A pirate ship is no place fer a female, especially with so many lusty seamen on board. I've half a mind to sail her back into Barcelona and wall her up in that damned convent. Oh, and there is that little matter of the rat who corrupted her, his name's Jack Sparky Birdbrain or summat.

_Teague: _Why would you want to smother your girl in a convent with those stuffy hymns and nuns? The open sea is so much healthier. About those lusty shipmates, a sound whipping and keelhauling will cure that matter. Ye can always teach her how to handle herself. I know me wife Jenny did terrific with our gal. Who knows, she might be of great help to you. As to that Sparky chap, check if yer daughter still wants him. If yes, a wedding is in order. If not, ye are justified in killin' him and swingin' his head from yer bowsprit.

_Random sailor: _Help! Help! _(hacking at tentacles with axe)_ I was playing me bagpipes when this monstrous beastie attacked our ship! ARGH! _(Kraken grabs and sinks ship. All sailors on board die a grisly and horrible death) _

_Teague: _A warning to all sailors. The Kraken is liable to mistake the sound of bagpipes fer its mating call. And we all know how frustrating it can be when we don't get what was promised. Ye have been warned. What's up, Redemption? _(to little grandson tugging on his sleeve)_

_Redemption:_ Grandpa… Mama gave us all lousy names like Mercy, Charity, Hope, Temperance, Faith, Patience and Redemption. Why can't we have cool pirate-y names like Thunderer, Long John or Henry Morgan?

_Teague:_ Ask yer mama. I suppose you can change yer name when ye're older, wee Red…

_Willy Raven: _Don't take it too personally, son. Having a name that sounds like some preacher's or his wife's tend to put folks off-guard… Gives us an edge…

_Teague: _Really? I thought all along you named the pups after the virtues they lacked. _(glances askance at Mercy who is still beating the monkey mutineer from earlier) _

_Jean Baptiste: (popping head from hatch) _Then why is my name Jean Baptiste and not Hosanna or something?

_Willy Raven: _Named you after your Frenchman father.

_Honest Tom: _ Are we speaking of that Monsieur whose head you took off with an axe after catchin' him in someone else's bed?

_Willy Raven:_ It was an accident! I was aiming for the tart he was with.

_Jean Baptiste: _Alas, _paurve papa_… _(ducks below as annoyed mother tosses a shoe at his head) _

_Willy Raven: _It will be most pleasant to end this broadcast with a bit of relaxing music from the old country. Take it away. _(waves at their resident band – the Pirates of Penzance) _

_The Pirates of Penzance start playing the Scottish ballad 'Loch Lomond' on their bagpipes, much to Teague's horror._

_Teague: _No bagpipes, no bagpipes I say! Do ye want to get the Kraken onto us? Play _Danny Boy_ on the violins or summat!

**Author's Notes: **

A mutiny by the primates and a rum crisis. Kraken attacks inspired by bagpipe music. Honest Tom's advice to Will Turner was almost workable, except for the fact Weatherby Swann has been overruled by Lord Beckett. Teague advises Weatherby Swann to stand up for his daughter and unknowingly encourages Blackbeard to kill Jack Sparrow.

The seaweed weather forecast is amazingly accurate but not in the sense Teague expected. Dry seaweed - dry weather. Damp seaweed - rain.

I cannot resist giving Willy's children Puritan-sounding names. Oh the irony. Mercy is anything but merciful.


	13. Broadcast 13

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Warnings on implied cannibalism.

**Broadcast 13**

_A tropical island somewhere. Teague and his first mate Honest Tom are lying on deck chairs, wearing sunglasses and floral-print trunks. They are also holding rum tankards with tiny umbrellas in them. Lovely hula music is playing. The waves wash a message in a bottle onto the beach at their feet. Honest Tom goes pick it up and reads the message inside. _

_Honest Tom: _Capt'n, it is time for the broadcast. The sponsors want us to get wi de programme or they withdraw our perks…

_Teague: _Er? We're on vacation. I'll shot those _(bleep)_ sponsors… To hell with their perks!

_Honest Tom: _Our current sponsor is _Morgan & Sons Distillery_ and they are givin' us free rum at their franchised stores…

_Teague:_ Oh, that is another matter. On wi de broadcast… _(gets up from his chair)_ Ahoy there, ye scallywags and pups. We be makin' this broadcast from a tropical island we stumbled across and are currently vacationing on. For today's broadcast, we'll be doin' a travelogue and calling up Willy Raven as she takes her crew about the world… _(waves to Honest Tom)_

_Honest Tom: (tinkering with a wireless radio set)_ I have one of the pups on air, Capt'n. Patience and Jean Baptiste live from the Greek islands… Shall I put them on?

_Teague:_ Go ahead. My grandkids are vacationing in Europe and they'll be introducing the sights of ancient Greece…

_Jean Baptiste:_ Ahoy, grandpere… Mama is busy getting to know our guide better so we'll be hosting the show. We are introducing the… _(looks at the ancient Cretan palace ruins)_ a pile of dusty stones… We have a nine-pound gun on shore and we'll be using them for target practice. Steady, aim… FIRE!

_Loud booms sound amidst crumbling masonry as the children demolish the ancient ruins like the uncultured little barbarians they are._

_Patience: _Our next stop will be in Egypt, up the Nile! Maybe we can knock the ears off the Sphinx…

_Teague: _Keep to the coast, pups. Ye be like me and need the sea near…_ (chuckles)_ Children… They are so charming at that age.

_Honest Tom: _Patched up with our contact in the north, finally. Handing you over to Eriksen the Red.

_Eriksen:_ Ahoy, Captain T. I'm shipwrecked on a rocky island somewhere in the Arctic Circle. I'm stuck and the puffins are running out. Don't feel up to wrestling a walrus. Call the Coast Guard will ye? Or better yet, send a ship to – ARGH! Polar bear! ARGH!

_Loud growls and screams of agony sound. The luckless pirate is devoured alive by a hungry polar bear. _

_Teague: _Guess that is the last we'd hear from Eriksen. Pity. I liked his Viking style… Anyone else waiting to introduce where they're at?

_Honest Tom:_ Er, we have contact with Johnny Yappy Tremarine. He's in Boston-town… but

_Teague:_ But what? Put him on and leave him on. His mindless chatter'd fill up the time nicely… _(settles back on his chair)_

_Honest Tom: _Aye, aye _(sounds really doubtful) _

_Johnny Tremarine: _Salutations, Captain Teague. I've met up with an interesting bunch of landsmen in Boston. The gentlemen call their club the _Sons of Liberty_ and boy, the Philly cheese-steak they serve at the club is to die for. We've been discussin' stuff like democracy, equality of all races and all that sorta stuff. I mean, we have come a long way from the Vikings and we better start acting civilized. You know, no more sneaky raids on the colonies in New Hispaniola, no more prisoners walking the plank. No dirty deals and backstabbing… Hell, we pirates have the democracy part down pat when electin' captains and quartermasters. I don't see why we can act like civilized persons and start a real revolution in the way things are done-

_Honest Tom ducks out of the way and Teague shoots out the wireless radio set. _

_Teague: _Civilization? That's what ruins us honest pirates! Have Mister Johnny Tremarine struck off our pirate roll of honour… On with the weather report or summat…

_Honest Tom:_ Weather report – fine and sunny. Ideal vacation weather in the Caribbean islands for the next two days, then hurricane season roars in. Enjoy it while it lasts. Onto the call-in. _(produces cordless telephone from behind his back)_

_Teague:_ What! Not the call-in. Tom, ye take them calls. Captain Teague is not in! _(slips on sunglasses) _

_Willy Raven: (calling in)_ Papa! My children have destroyed some really valuable culture stuff and the local islanders are a little mad at us. I believe discipline is in order. Is fifty lashes with the birch too much or should we go with the old paddle to the rear?

_Honest Tom:_ Er, what did yer mama do when ye wrecked something important? Best keep to tradition.

_Willy Raven:_ Oh- Time to bring out the cat o'nine tails, then. Bend over, my darlings. This might sting a little… _(sounds of a thorough flogging punctuated with screams of pain)_

_Teague jumps up at the screams of his grandchildren. _

_Teague: (snatching phone from Tom)_ Good Lord! Wilhelmina, stop! They're still children! Ye don't use the cat on children! Ye get hauled up by Child Services and the kiddies put in some filthy foster home and taught to be honest citizens-

_Willy Raven:_ Got it, father, but I'm done disciplining…

_Teague:_ Tom, I'm taking the next call.

_Pirate from the Pearl's crew: _Captain T, I suspect our captain has been hoodwinked by them natives.

_Teague:_ Why might that be so?

_Pirate:_ Well, they are treating him like some god and he's really living it up. All the rum he can drink and lots of lithe native girls. But for the crew, well, we're stuck in this swinging cage thing over a canyon. The food is good though. I've put on some pounds since. Now and then one of us gets taken out and- Good God! Is that McCoy's earring in me stew? They're cannibals! They be feedin' us our shipmates! Argh! The humanity… _(violent retching sounds)_

_Teague:_ Unless ye want to end up as dessert, I would suggest ye make a break for it. Oh, in this case, ye be justified in leaving yer capt'n with the natives. Mustn't offend their sensibilities by depriving them of their god…

_Queekeg:_ Salutations, could you kindly advise on how to remove excessive alcohol from long pork please? _(looking askance at a very drunk Jack Sparrow frolicking with some native beauties) _

_Teague: _Mate, normally we use the wine to marinate meat to improve the flavour. Why would you want to remove wine from pork?

_Queekeg:_ Oh, our pig is lapping up loads of rum and we're worried it will upset the children's tummies when we get round to killing and cooking him as the highlight of our celebrations. He is a tad stringy-looking and we were hoping to fatten him up like we did with his shipmates… Have any suggestions on getting him to eat more and drink less rum?

_Teague:_ Mate, I'm not liking where this is headin'. Are ye a cannibal?

_Queekeg:_ Well, to be honest, I prefer the term connoisseur of long pig, better known as human flesh.

_Teague:_ Sorry, for religious and personal reasons, I do not condone the consumption of long pork. Goodbye… _(tosses phone into the sea)_ Ah, peace at last. _(stretches out next to Honest Tom on his deck chair) _Pass me the sun lotion. I'm starting to burn.

_Honest Tom hands him the sun lotion and Teague squirts a generous amount on his bare torso. He starts rubbing it in. He suddenly stops and sniffs at his hand. _

_Teague:_ Tom, this ain't sun lotion… It's BBQ sauce! _(sits up) _Who started a fire under me deck chair?

_Honest Tom is slapping at his burning trunks. The pair realises they are surrounded by a mob of grinning natives headed by Queekeg._

_Queekeg: _Greetings, visitors to our lovely island of Pelegosto. Now, which one of you gentlemen would like volunteer to be the appetiser?

_Teague:_ Tom! I told ye to stay away from that darned island!

**Author's Notes:**

Willy's little scheme to introduce some culture to her pups on a Grand Tour of Europe did not quite work out the way she planned. The world of classical archaeology has just suffered a loss thanks to Jean and Patience. I have nothing against democracy but could not resist a dig at the pirate democracy and how Teague is scandalised by the proposal of an honest and civilized practice of democracy. Ah, the irony.

Long pork is a colloquial term used in Papau New Guinea by tribes who practised cannibalism to refer to human flesh. If you recall, Queekeg made his appearance earlier in the pilot broadcast.


	14. Broadcast 14

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Teague is still on his vacation. This time he is in Venice.

**Broadcast 14**

_Venice. A gondolier poles his gondola through the Venetian waterways. It is Honest Tom. His passenger is Captain Teague and he has his wife's shrunken head on the seat beside him. _

_Honest Tom: _Capt'n, on the left we have the residence of Macro Polo. On the right is the home of the Pope…

_Teague:_ Dis isn't Rome, Tom my man…

_Honest Tom:_ I mean the home of the Pope's second cousin's wife's aunt's godmother's grandson… _(starts singing Italian opera)_

_Teague: _Nice try, Tom. If it weren't me and Jenny's overdue anniversary celebrations, I'd shoot ye fer that. Jenny always wanted to see Venice. Don't ye? Look, honeymooners! Give 'em a smile, my wren. _(holds head up and spooks a pair of newlyweds in a passing gondola)_

_Teague reaches out to a nearby window-box, picks a daisy and sticks it in his wife's hair. Honest Tom scoops up a bobbing bottle from the water, uncorks it and reads message inside. _

_Honest Tom: _Captain, it's…

_Teague: _The sponsors again? Very well… _(resigned tone)_ Ahoy, mates. It is time for the broadcast… Mustn't lose the rum perks…

_Honest Tom: _Actually, it's from yer son. He needs 100 souls, actually, 99 souls now since he's conned some apprentice whelp to sign up with Davy Jones.

_Teague:_ Jack Sparrow! Ye shift fer yerself! I'm on vacation, hear? But I'll do the broadcast… What's the topic today? _(shuffles through some papers)_ Oh, yes, tabloid gossip time - time to dish the dirt on some pirate lords as payback for their gifts on me birthday. Revenge is so sweet… First up, Sao Feng. Rumour has it that he has a pet dog called Chichi-Hwahwa, a small lady-ish typa mutt. Not very manly type for a feared pirate to keep you know… Next, Mistress Ching. She has an army of beauticians to see to her so-flawless complexion. No surprise given her age is 50 at least. Our Turkish friend Ammand's four wives are known to dance at the _Drunken Turk_ bar in Istanbul fer housekeeping money, very erotically I must say. Senor Villanueva has a fear of spiders and will scream like Little Miss Muffet when confronted with one. Sumbhajee has the squeakiest voice – wait, everyone knows that. And Chevalle has a thing for horses…

_Captaine Chevalle:_ _(calling in)_ Teague! I only sent you a wig! It's not like I tried to kill you. And I do like my horse, nothing scandalous there…

_Teague:_ Mate, folks know you have a big fat horse taking up treasure space in your hold. Is he emergency rations?

_Captaine Chevalle:_ Not Sir Lancelot. He's my dear wittle pony… I'm not eating him. Can't a pirate have a favourite horsie?

_Teague:_ I rest my case. Ye do have a thing fer horses.

_Captaine Chevalle:_ How did you get off that cannibal island? We're a tad worried back there. Will ye be returning to Shipwreck Cove soon?

_Teague:_ Negotiation, mate, and a little bit of help from the other crewmates from the _Misty Lady_. The chief can't argue with a nine-pound gun in his face. And no, I'm not ending my vacation so soon. I'm still a-grievin' fer me wifey. _(kisses shrunken head) _I'll be back about Easter. Next year.

_Honest Tom: _News report. More naval movements sighted in the Caribbean. Reports from shore have confirmed that Governor Swann of Port Royal has handed the reins of power over to Lord Cutler Beckett and is cooling off in a jail cell. His daughter is believed to have escaped and is on the high seas seeking her fiancé, who was reported to have gone pirate. Folks in Tortuga are reminded to be wary of naval spies in their midst. Lord Cutler Beckett has announced war on all pirates. Whoa! Ah repeat – mates, we are at war! Er, Captain. Do ye have any advice for our fellow buccaneers?

_Teague: _They can call in fer advice, if they need… _(facing the head)_ How about some music, Jenny dear? _(has guitar in his lap)_

_Lieutenant Gillette: (calling in) _Naval helpline? I have a teensy problem. My former superior and a good friend of mine, I must add, resigned from the service for personal reasons. Now I am in a tavern in Tortuga watching him drinking rum in the company of pirates. Help, this is so wrong! He used to be such a gentleman. Should I turn him in as a pirate to be hung or…

_Teague:_ Mate, ye have the wrong number. And clearly yer friend prefers their company to yers fer drinking buddies. Pirates can be gentleman-ish too. I'll be a gentleman here and advice ye ta quit Tortuga before we swing you from a palm tree by the neck, ye naval scum.

_Arrested pirate: (calling in)_ Er, I've been arrested on charges of piracy. They are offerin' me a plea bargain. Either I do summat fer the navy or I hang… Should I take up their offer? Hanging is bound to hurt…

_Teague: _Are ye familiar with _Dante's Inferno_? There is a very special place in Hell awaiting ye should ye break faith with the Code and betray us.

_Honest Tom: _Hang. Less painful that way…

_Teague: _Where was I, me little wren? Ah, yes… _When Irish eyes are smiling… (starts strumming and singing) _

_Ammand: (calling in) _Teague! So what if my wives dance at the _Drunken Turk_? It's a decent establishment and the sisters are professional belly-dancers… Belly dancing is part of our culture and a traditional art form, ye philistine!

_Teague:_ Mate, ye married 4 sisters? That's asking fer trouble.

_Ammand:_ Aye, quadruplets, I thought I was drunk and seeing double-double so I married them all. Now ye know why I spend 364 days at sea. Sorry, gotta get home fer their birthday party.

_Teague:_ Gosh, I never knew. You have me condolences. One wife is quite enough.

_Sumbhajee:_ _(calling in)_ Teague, do ye have any remedy fer an accursed squeaky voice? _(in a chipmunk-like voice)_

_Captain Teague is too busy laughing at the squeaking to reply. _

_Honest Tom: _Sir, I'd recommend getting someone to be yer spokesperson.

_Bootstrap Bill: (calling in)_ I'll probably git in trouble if they know I'm callin' ye but I'll risk it fer the sake of me son. I've not seen my son for years and now he is a grown man. He's sold out by his so-called friend to Davy Jones and we're stuck on board the _Flying Dutchman_. I'm bound by de contract but he's not. I want him off the ship fer his own good but he's so stubborn. He's not leaving till I leave. So we'll be hauling sails fer Captain Jones fer eternity or until we turn into barnacles… How can I git me son off this hell-ship or at least protect 'im? I seriously don't like the looks some of the others are giving 'im…

_Teague:_ As a father, I understand yer concern. But offspring can be so stubborn. Perhaps a spot of flogging will convince him to leave. Sometimes we need a bit of pain to grow up wiser. Or ye can shove him over the side when no one's peeking. I know it is mighty un-piratey to say this but. Ye are a lucky man because yer son loves ye even if ye did walk out on him as a kid. Cherish that, while it lasts.

_Sao Feng: (calling in)_ Captain Teague, I have to call to clarify some major misunderstanding with regards to my pet _(toting a Pekingese under his arm) _I do keep dogs but not as pets. My pet Chichi-Hwahwa is a crocodile enjoys eating dog-meat _(tosses yapping pooch into the waiting jaws of a huge crocodile)._ Of course, I do feed him a varied diet with the occasional mutineer.

_Teague:_ Sao Feng. How come I am not surprised you feed puppies to crocs? That's downright barbaric! _(flips through pocket codebook)_ Well, nothing in the code against that…

_Mistress Ching's first mate:_ _(calling in)_ Yo, Captain T. I need a gift idea for Mistress Ching. What do ye git a 60-year-old woman fer her birthday? _(looks down to see spear-point sticking out of belly and turns to see an angry Mistress Ching standing behind him holding the shaft)_ Bummer…

_Teague:_ Perhaps a new first mate. Oh, happy sweet 60th birthday, Ching!

_Honest Tom: _ Captain! There's Miz Willy and two of her pups.

_Willy Raven and two of her daughters are standing on a porch in their best Sunday dresses. The trio are bearing a generous amount of booty, including gold, silver chalices and bejewelled ornaments. _

_Willy Raven: _Ahoy, father! Could you give me a ride back to the ship? We're done with attending Easter service at the Church of St Mark. I am pleased to announce that the children now have a better appreciation of fine art.

_Honest Tom:_ Looks like you juz looted the church treasury, Miz Willy…

_Teague:_ Oh, I suppose our gondola can take a few more passengers. Hop on, Wilhelmina.

_Willy Raven:_ Hear that, my darlings? Get the loot and look sharp now! _(whistles shrilly as Honest Tom poles the craft alongside the porch)_

_The rest of her brood emerge from the building where they've been holed up with many more treasures as booty, including large oil paintings and a marble bust of Venus de Milo. The children and their mother board the gondola. Their combined weight and the booty cause the gondola to flounder. _

_Teague: _Wait! Not all at once!

_The gondola sinks and everyone is standing in the water up to their waists with the younger children swimming. Needless to say, the booty gets wet. _

_Honest Tom: _Ain't it a lucky thing most Venetian waterways aren't that deep?

_Teague: (holding his wife's shrunken head above his head to keep it dry)_ Oh shush, Tom…

**Author's Notes:**

Cheval – horse in French. I cannot resist the pun on the French pirate lord's name.

More hi-jinks from the pirate lords. Sao Feng sounds like he would be the type to do something like feeding puppy dogs to a crocodile. Never ever betray a woman's age, especially if she is Mistress Ching.


	15. Broadcast 15

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

This is a shameless lampoon of the movie _Titanic_. Been bombarded by it with the cinema ads – see it in 3D.

**Broadcast 15**

_On an ocean liner named Titanic, circa 1912. Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt are on the bow in the famous flying pose. A very familiar figure approaches the oblivious pair from behind. It is Captain Teague in the clothes of the 1900s gent. He retains the hairdo and hat of his pirate profession circa the Golden Age of Caribbean Piracy. _

_Rose: _Jack, I'm flying!

_Teague: _So git going already! Bon voyage! (_shoves both Jack and Rose off the bow and snatches Rose's shawl) _I'd be taking that, thank you… Mustn't let Jenny catch a chill… _(wraps wife's head in shawl)_ TOM! Get yer ass over here!

_Honest Tom dances over in the company of a pair of smiling wenches from steerage. One is playing the fiddle and the other the accordion. They dance a merry jig. Honest Tom has lipstick marks on his face and is taking swigs from a bottle of whisky. Like Teague, he is dressed in the garments of the era, albeit those of a common deckhand. The girls kiss Honest Tom before skipping off. _

_Teague: _At least someone enjoyed the party downstairs.

_Honest Tom:_ Ahoy, Capt'n. How're things up in the first class ballroom?

_Teague:_ Bloody boring, had to shoot a few chaps for insulting sweet Jenny here. Folks these days don't know how to treat a lady… The nerve! Treating her like some curio… We're leaving this stinking cruise ship. Gimme a proper pirate galleon any day! Go fetch Willy and the pups. They should be in the ballroom. The _Pirates of Penzance_ landed a gig as the ship's band. They're playing bloody Mozart instead of good sea shanty. _(takes a swig from his flask) Fifteen men on a dead man's chest…_

_Honest Tom:_ Captain, we have tae do the broadcast…

_Teague:_ Dang! Forgot clean 'bout that! Today's broadcast is brought to ye by White Seal Lines. Which probably explains why we are here…

_Honest Tom: (whispers) _Sir, it's White Star-

_Teague: _My bad. It's White Salt-

_Willy Raven and the children approach in a very secretive manner. They are all dressed in 1900s garments. Willy Raven is dressed in a evening gown while the children are in tuxedoes. They are carting a suspicious canvas-covered form on a stretcher. _

_Teague: (spies Willy and her brood)_ Wilhelmina! What have ye there? _(whips canvas off to reveal one very dead captain)_ By the beard of Neptune and slap me wi' an iceberg! What've ye done now? Doing in the captain while ye're his guest ain't proper. Not without palming him de black spot first.

_Willy Raven:_ 'Twas an accident, Father dear… My blunderbuss went off whilst I was cleaning her and this chap was just strolling round the corner…

_Teague:_ This here ship needs a captain and I sure as hell am not freezing my ass off on her bridge! Bit too chilly fer me bones. Tom! Git me a-

_Honest Tom: (yanks a drunk out of a hatch)_ His name's Samuel 'Shipwreck' Smith. Tug-boat captain outta Cork. Fired for being drunk at the helm…

_Teague: _Will do. He has the beard and once we get 'im in de uniform… So, Mister Smith, get dressed proper, take the helm, make like an icebreaker and bring us that horizon.

_Honest Tom swiftly dresses the drunk in the captain's uniform and steers him in the direction of the bridge. Willy Raven and her brood unceremoniously tip the deceased captain over the side._

_Willy Raven: _Now let's see to those witnesses we got tied up on the poop deck.

_Children: _Make dem walk de plank! _(follow their piratical mama to the poop deck) _

_Teague: _Ahoy there, gentlemen of the coast, we here be discussin' the finer points of navigation, so as not to add to the wrecks of Shipwreck Cove. Tough enough to git thru dem now. First, use that bloody compass of yers unless it is one of those weird joke things like what my Jackie boy picked up from some dodgy shop. Maps! Charts are indispensable for all mariners. Use them wisely! Oh, and keep them updated. I must inform ye pirates that Gentleman Jocard has wrecked a captured Scots merchantman on the east side of the Cove. Update them maps now with that new wreck. Any questions on navigatin' and stuff? Do call in. Damn, I must be drunk… If ye be one of those lacking in direction sense and cannae navigate out of a paper bag, git yerself a proper certified navigator…

_Honest Tom returns and holds out a ringing phone on a silver-tray, butler-style. _

_Captain Lost-at-Sea: _Er, I am lost. We're on our way to sunny Florida when our navigator made a wrong turn somewhere. Now we're in this sea with loads of ice and we're approaching a huge waterfall like we're at the edge of the world… Isn't the earth round? Will it be proper to shoot him tween the eyes?

_Teague:_ That be the Farthest Gate. And I'd get myself a new navigator if I were ye. _(holds the receiver away from his ear to avoid the loud bang as the caller shoots the hapless navigator)_

_Gentleman Jocard: _Code-keeper, I have a bit of a problem with my navigation charts. I can't read Chinese and neither can my crew.

_Teague: _Ye juz had to buy yer charts from old Sao Feng's people during their clearance sale, right? They do translation fer two guineas a word. And ye be better off buying them charts at the non-sale prices as the sale items are all outdated. Was that how ye ended up on Sharky Reef?

_Mister Gibbs: _Most respected Code-keeper, we asked Tia Dalma fer help concerning Davy Jones and she gives Captain Jack a jar of dirt! What do ye do wi a jar of dirt?

_Teague: _Figure it out fer yerself. Most like ye be conned.

_Tia Dalma: _Witty Jack's compass working fine, ya see. Me don't sell dem compass who don't work! Me honest gal!

_Teague:_ Ma'am, ye be a scoundrel taking advantage of a wee laddie, and in more ways than one. Get my drift, ya cougar! Jack was young nuff tae be yer grandson. And when Jenny asked ye to show him how, we were sure we meant how tae caulk a canoe. Can't ya lay off cradle-snatching? Anyhow, that's not me quarrel wi ye. Why the heck did ye give me Jack a lousy compass which only use is fer him to ferret out our emergency rum supplies? Ya can take back that infernal compass, ya cheating double-crosser! And what's up with that jar of dirt? How much did ye rip Jackie off fer now?

_Tia Dalma:_ Me put curse on ya fer dat! Ship ya be on, she sink! Ya leave in coffin! _(slams phone down)_

_Teague: _Well, well... someone sure was touchy.

_Honest Tom: _Sir, was that wise taunting a voodoo priestess? Oh-oh, here comes trouble…

_First Officer (RMS Titanic): _Sir, you in the strange hat! Have you seen Captain Smith? _(running up to the pirates) _

_Honest Tom:_ Captain be on the bridge…

_First Officer:_ That drunk is not our Captain Smith! He said you chaps sent him to replace the Captain! Where's our Captain?

_Teague:_ Oh, if ye be looking fer yer Captain, he be over the side…

_First Officer:_ Man overboard! _(looks over the side for missing captain)_

_Teague:_ Happy to oblige!_ (grabs the luckless man by the belt and flips him over the side with the help of Honest Tom)_

_Teague's grandson, Jean Baptiste, climbs onto bow, peers into the distance and lets out a yell._

_Jean Baptiste_: Ice! Ice yonder! _(jumps back onto deck and runs for his mommy)_ Mama, iceberg!

_The Titanic hits iceberg and promptly starts taking in water, causing the ship to list. Teague takes a swig of rum from his flask and stares at the iceberg right up against the ship, inches from his face. _

_Teague: _Picking a quarrel with Tia wasn't one of me better ideas. Tom, my rum is warm. _(hands his trusty mate his rum flask)_

_Honest Tom: _Here ye go, captain… _(chips off a piece of ice and drops it into the rum flask)_ Give orders to abandon ship?

_Teague:_ Not me ship, Tom. I don't give orders. Let's get Willy and the pups… _(turns to see Willy Raven and her motley brood of teeny terrors commandeering a lifeboat whilst dispatching any crewman or passenger in their way with cutlasses)_ Or maybe not.

_Willy Raven: _See you back at the Cove, father dearest!

_Lifeboat drops into the sea bearing only Willy Raven, her brood and whatever booty they stole from the first class passengers. The Pirates of Penzance band plays 'A Pirate's Life' while Willy rows away to safety. Teague shakes his fist at them. _

_Teague: _Willy! Ya little ingrate! Take yer ma at least!

_The phone rings once more and Teague answers it._

_Shipwreck Smith: _Look here, the floor is listing and things are slipping off the table and such… I think she's sinking. What should I do? I'm no captain. Some nutcase set me up to this…

_Teague:_ Mate, it's nothing but the whisky talking. Drink some more and it should sort itself out… Tom! We need to abandon ship! _(steps over a slaughtered sailor) _TOM!

_Honest Tom emerges from a hatchway with a coffin. _

_Honest Tom: _Lifeboats all gone, Capt'n. This is all we have left that floats…

_Teague:_ That'll work…

* * *

><p><em>A few hundred yards away, Willy and her brood are still rowing. Davy Jones' Flying Dutchman pops up beside them. <em>

_Willy: _Stroke! Stroke... What the heck?

_Davy Jones: (calling down from the deck)_ Be ye Miz Wilhelmina Raven and her bairns? Yer brother Jack Sparrow promised me a couple of souls and I'm here to collect them for my crew. _(takes out list)_ Let's see… Charity, Faith, Hope, Patience… Temperance, Mercy, Redemption… What the heck? Woman! How in hell's name did ye name yer bairns?

_Willy Raven:_ Brother Jack! How dare you sign off my children to Davy Jones! When I get my hands on your sorry hide… _(starts cursing Jack in English, French, Spanish and Dutch as she produces a bazooka and lets fly at the Flying Dutchman)_ You want souls? Take this, you filthy cuttlefish!

_Teague and Honest Tom row past the commotion in their floating coffin. Teague is holding a map and compass. Jenny's head is resting on his lap. _

_Honest Tom: _Where tae, captain?

_Teague: _Set a south by southwesterly course for sunny Jamaica. I'm sick of this _(bleep-bleeping)_ cold! _(kisses his wife's head for luck)_

_Honest Tom:_ Aye-aye, Captain!

**Author's Notes:**

That is why pirates and cruise ships do not mix. Yes, Willy Raven is a bloodthirsty, double-crossing pirate to the core. Anyone who ticks Tia Dalma off can expect to pay for it.

Historical fact – The Titanic sank on her maiden voyage in 15th April 1912 after hitting an iceberg in the north Atlantic. The ship was touted as almost unsinkable by her designers, engineers and the media of the day. She was also the largest ocean liner built for the time.


	16. Broadcast 16

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

We've had a nice romp to future by our pirate friends in the last broadcast. Now back to pirate-ish stuff like burying treasure and stuff. Oh, more abuse of a shrunken head and other body parts.

**Broadcast 16**

_A deserted island, Captain Teague, Willy Raven and her brood are gathered on the beach in a sombre mood. Honest Tom comes along just as Willy Raven pats down a patch of freshly-turned sand with her shovel. _

_Honest Tom: _Ah, Capt'n, burying Mrs T. is all for the best. _(pats on Teague on the shoulder)_

_Teague:_ Oh, that ain't Jenny we're burying… _(flips open coat to show his wife's shrunken head hanging on his belt)_ That was just Granny Grace's old Christmas fruitcake. The one she baked the year Jackie boy was born. May it rest in peace.

_Honest Tom: _Amen. Made a terrific cannonball against the Spanish and a great wrecking ball against that Turkish fort while it lasted. Oh, it's time for the broadcast.

_Teague:_ Oh, that… Willy girl, please take care of yer ma fer me.

_He takes head off his belt and tosses it to his daughter, his grandson Jean Baptiste leaps in between and catches it. Then he tosses it to his sister and the children start playing monkey with their mother using their grandmother's head as a ball. _

_Willy Raven: _You little imps! Give me back your grandmother's head! _(runs after a dozen laughing children)_

_Teague: _A good afternoon to all ye scallywags and salty dogs. This be the pirate broadcast and yes, I will be returning to Shipwreck Cove shortly to take charge of certain matters. Ye have about two weeks to clean out de blood and other dead stuff ya put in me shack and replace the rum ya guzzled from me cabinet. Certainly hoped that shack didn't fall on ye, Mister O'Brien. Many thanks fer watching me shack and keepin' them nasty giant rats out. It is official. we are at war with the bloody East India Trading Company and the damned navy! The scoundrel behind this alliance against us brethren is one Lord Cutler Beckett. The man is a slaver, cold-blooded baby-killer and an enemy of freedom and liberty. Privateers among the brethren, ye stand wi' us or against us. Ye have the option of tearing up those letters of marque and throw in yer lots with us honest pirates or return to the bloodthirsty fold of the law, savvy? Weather report, Tom…

_Honest Tom:_ Hurricane season has passed and the forecast is bright and sunny. Mind those water stores. On the Kraken front, nasty beastie has been seen chasing…

_Little Redemption comes in with the Dead Man's Chest in his hands. _

_Redemption: _Uncle Tom, look what I found! Could you please help me with this lock? I'm sure there is some treasure in here…

_Honest Tom:_ With pleasure, _(takes a key from his pocket) _the old skeleton key has never failed me yet. _(unlocks the chest)_

_Other children gather round with bated breath as Redemption opens the chest._

_Redemption:_ Hey, It ain't no treasure, just an old beating heart… Catch! _(grabs heart and tosses it to his brother and a game of monkey starts with heart being tossed about)_

_Teague: _Ah, to be young and innocent… _(watching grandkids playing)_ I'm feeling in a good mood, so let's git on with the calling in while it lasts.

_Honest Tom holds up the ringing telephone on a tray._

_Will Turner:_ Captain Teague, I suspect my fiancée has some feelings for a certain pirate captain. Well, she always had a thing for pirates and stuff. Thanks to one interfering lord and a dodgy deal, my sweetheart and I were apart for a while… Help, I am afraid I'm losing her to a pirate!

_Teague:_ And who can blame her? May the better pirate win.

_Honest Tom: _Young un, take it from an old pirate. Romance her big time. Soft music, flowers and rum, loads of it. Never failed me. When she's agreeable enough, have a lifeboat, hammock or summat handy. You don't want to end up rolling about in a pig sty. Really kills the mood.

_Elizabeth Swann:_ Excuse me, Captain Teague. I have a bit of a problem. My captain tried to sell my fiancé off to Davy Jones, if I were to believe my ex-fiancé. My fiancé is back now, but things are kind of strained between us. Should I speak with him to… oh, but he's like avoiding me. And I think my ex-fiancé still has feelings for me. I don't want to break his heart or anything but I can't see him more than as a friend… He's changed a bit since he left the navy and took to rum.

_Teague:_ Lady, keep it simple and don't go tying yer heartstrings up all knotty. Go fer the one ye like best. If you like them both as well, go fer the captain. More so if he's a pirate to boot. And as to your ex, well, why you should be pleased he has left the navy. All fer the better I say.

_Honest Tom: _Miss, listen to yer feelings and have a good heart-to-heart talk with gentlemen in question. Make sure there're no misunderstandings on where you stand. Cuts down the chances of blood and guts spilled on board. Take it from me. Scraping brain matter off the wheel is no fun.

_James Norrington: _Captain Teague, I need some advice about a young lady who has just waltzed back into my life. Since we last saw each other, I've fallen a couple of rungs down the ladder of life from a promising naval officer to drunkard pirate. I'm hoping she still has feelings for me. Should I improve my chances by giving up excessive drinking and getting a shave or summat? The only complication is my rival in love has just popped up on board…

_Teague:_ Mate, I would call turning pirate from a navy man a step in bettering one's self, in my esteem at least. As to that love-rival, wouldn't it be more straightforward tae tip 'im over the side?

_Honest Tom:_ Mate, everyone involved in this goddamned love tangle should surrender their weapons, sit down and calmly discuss things over, before anyone gits killed or maimed.

_Jack Sparrow:_ Uncle Tom! I've a nice young lady on board me ship. Thing is, she's me friend's gal but I'm starting to_ (wolf-whistle quietly as Elizabeth sashays past)_ really, really have some naughty thoughts about her in a bed and minus clothes...

_Teague:_ Jackie boy, will it kill ye to ask yer old da fer advice? Ye're a pirate! Take what ye can and give nothin' back!

_Honest Tom: _Jack, there's one friendship to consider 'ere. Don't be rash and wreck it over one night of passion… Remember what happened with Sao Feng's sister…

_Teague: _Honest Tom! Are ye being mutinous here? _(cocks pistol)_

_Honest Tom: _No, Capt'n… Jack, listen to yer old da.

_Jack Sparrow: _It's Captain Jack Sparrow. _(hangs up)_

_Davy Jones: _Captain T, I was looking at an old cameo portrait of my ex-girlfriend when my heart starts feeling all a-flutter. I can't be having a heart attack or summat. I'm as fit as a fiddle and bin running this here ship for ages with no problems from the old ticker. Am I still havin' feelings fer the old gal?

_Teague:_ Need ye ask? Mate, in every man's life there be that one female who steals his heart for better or worse.

_Willy Raven walks by with her mother's head and sees her children playing catch with Davy Jones' heart. _

_Willy Raven: _Children! Put that back! You don't know where it has been! Oh, here, father. Please take Mother back. _(dusts sand off head and returns it to Teague) _

_Children pop the heart back into Dead Man's Chest, lock it and return it to where Redemption found it. _

_Davy Jones: _Oh, that weird feeling has passed. I guess it must be bad rum.

_Teague: _ Or that. That's why I use trusted rum suppliers, and make an example of those who try cheating me crew. _(grins meaningfully at three mounds of earth behind him)_ Oh, all seafarers, _Waterdown and Sons Rum Traders_ are officially out of business on a permanent basis. Next call!

_Romeo: _Alas! My love is dead and entombed in her family crypt. Since our families are still feuding, I didn't get invited to the funeral! I shall never see my sweet Juliet again! My life has lost all meaning!

_Teague: _Young man, never say never. Use that grey matter in your skull and think! Ye may wish to consider a good crowbar fer breaking in tae say any last words to yer lady love.

_Honest Tom: _Look here, laddie, let's not be too hasty… Time heals all – Oof!_ (gets knocked out by a flying coconut courtesy of the children) _

_Teague picks up the coconut and pitches it back into the medley of children. He picks up the phone to find it broken. _

_Teague: _Oh well, I guess that's all for now. Till next time, mateys.

**Author's Notes:**

The idea of the pirate children playing catch with Jenny's head and later Davy Jones' heart is morbid to say the least. The DMC arc is ending soon. Possibly the next broadcast will be Jack Sparrow's funeral.

Please do feel free to suggest any ideas on how I may improve or add onto this fic. Reviews always welcome.


	17. Broadcast 17

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

This is the end of the DMC arc. Jack's funeral. Hector Barbossa makes his re-appearance and hosts the broadcast with a grieving Teague.

**Broadcast 17**

_Shipwreck Cove, the local tavern, a beached galleon. A sorry knot of very sombre pirates are gathered there about a barrel of rum, including Willy Raven and her children, all in full mourning. Honest Tom is wearing a white clerical collar and is holding a copy of the Bible. _

_Honest Tom: _Dear all, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our brother on the high seas, Captain Jack Sparrow… A toast to a legend of the seven seas, the immortal Jack Sparrow. May he live forever in our hearts and memories. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… May we all live our lives as he did to the fullest before the mast and the sea she take our sorry carcasses when all's done with. Preserve us from the dreaded noose and Davy Jones in Your infinite mercy, Lord… Amen. _(closes Bible)_

_Willy Raven:_ I shall miss the many times he stole my silver coins and fancy beads for his stinking hair.

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, Miz Willy. And which of us could forget the many times he pulled a fast one on us. Like the day he commandeered Old Joe's smack and created a new wreck. Or the day he fired a nine gun salute through Mother Carey's. Let's also remember the time the young un stole peg leg of Hubert the Moor for use as firewood.

_Copious tears and wailing from Willy Raven as she breaks open the barrel and distributes the rum tankards. _

_Mourner 1: _Are ye sure 'e's dead dis time? Ah thot we attended 'is funeral ten years ago…

_Mourner 2: _Who cares? 'Tis not everyday the Code Keeper gives out free rum. A toast to the scrawny, lying rat!

_Mourner 1: _Aye! Cheers fer old yellow-belly Jack! May he rot in Davy Jones' Locker!

_Mourner 2:_ Hear hear!

_Funeral party rapidly disintegrates into drunken revelry celebrating Jack Sparrow's demise. A wooden effigy of Jack Sparrow is carried in, stabbed with cutlasses, beheaded and set alight on a bonfire. Honest Tom, Willy Raven and the children slip away quietly below decks as a drunk and fuming Teague steps into the tavern. _

_Teague: _Damn it, ye dogs! Show some respect fer me Jackie-boy. It's a funeral, not some wedding party! _(starts firing away at the revellers with his pistols)_

_Guests flee for safety, jumping over the side and diving into open hatches before Teague runs out of bullets. _

_Teague: _Me poor, poor boy is dead… _(sobs and takes a swig from his rum flask and plonks himself down by the rum barrel)_

_Honest Tom and Willy Raven peer cautiously out of their hatch. Grieving Teague is in no state to host his broadcast. _

_Willy Raven: _Uncle Tom, we need someone to do the broadcast… Let's see… _(flips open phone book) _Davy Jones… Nope. Cotton's parrot… Nope. Aha, James Norrington. _(dials number) _Hello?

* * *

><p><em>Miles away, James Norrington is checking out his new Admiral uniform in the mirror after his promotion thanks to a spot of double-crossing. He answers the phone. <em>

_James Norrington:_ Hello? What? You want me, an admiral of the English navy to host a pirate radio show? In your dreams. All I have to say to you pirates is this – The only thing you deserve is a long drop with a sudden stop. _(hangs up phone)_

* * *

><p><em>Willy Raven and Honest Tom exchange glances.<em>

_Honest Tom: _I guess we need to do it ourselves. Ahoy there…_ (spies a mermaid waving to him from a rock) _Oops, Miz Willy, may I ask to be excused? My sweetie pie is getting impatient. _(dives into sea to join his date) _

_Willy Raven: _Uncle Tom! What am I supposed to talk about? I have to take little Freedom for his booster shots!_ (bouncing baby on hip) _

_Honest Tom is too busy frolicking with mermaid to reply. _

_Hector: _Need help with hosting the broadcast, wench?_ (saunters into tavern and helps himself to a tankard of rum) _

_Willy Raven: _Aren't you dead? _(feels Hector's chest to check)_ No, feels solid enough. Guess you're alive. You've got the job._ (hurries off with her baby) _

_Hector: _Ahoy, ye scallywags…

_Teague:_ Hector? _(sees Hector Barbossa) _Nah, I must need more rum, right, Jenny? _(talking to shrunken head and gulps down more rum) _

_Hector: _First, de news. James Norrington, former commodore has been promoted to Admiral but he is still at the beck and call of one Lord Cutler Beckett. Man must be regretting returning to the navy. Oh, nice going with that double-cross, ye make a terrific pirate. However, as we pirates and the navy are at war, we will still keelhaul ye fer a traitor if we ketch hold of ye. Next bit of news, Jack Sparrow has been devoured by the Kraken and is rotting in Davy Jones' locker. The Code Keeper will not be settling any outstanding debts owed by his brat. Tough luck, Sao Feng. Ye may wish to catch up with him in the Locker to collect.

_Teague: _Ye got dat one right! And stuff those IOUs fer rum up yer _(bleep)._

_Hector: _Now, some grim news. The following brethren have been captured and are waiting fer de noose at Fort Charles. Crews of the _Crossbones, Piece of Eight, Lady Anne _and the _Saucy Vixen. _A moment of silence please.

_Teague: _Curse ye, Davy Jones! Rot in hell, ye filthy squid! _(fires into the air with a Tommy machine gun) _Give me me sonny boy back!

_Hector: _Or a one-gun salute… Weather report. Raining bullets _(dead seagulls fall all round)_… and seagulls. There, there, Captain. _(pats grief-stricken Teague on the shoulder as he sobs)_ How about a calamari fry-up supper later? Shipmates, ye be welcome to call in fer advice now. .

_Will Turner: _My fiancée kissed my captain. Ack! She's in love with him. Then he gets eaten up by a sea monster and she's been grieving for him since.

_Hector:_ I see yer problem, mate. Ye cannot prove you be the better man with yer rival dead. Unless ye be game fer rassling a sea monster. Get yer gal drunk and start de heavy romancing. Git me drift?

_Teague: _Heck with romance! Me dear, dear son is… _(Hector hands Teague a rum bill which Jack Sparrow ran up the last time he was in town) _a no-good wastrel! I'm not paying his bill!

_Elizabeth Swann:_ Hello, I, well, I just betrayed someone and left him to die a horrible and most likely painful death. The guilt's killing me. Help!

_Hector:_ Well, well, I never had any problems with this guilt thing of which ye speak. Go git some rum and a good night's sleep. Trust an old pirate, you'd be up and raring to toss someone else to the sharks by mornin'.

_Pintel:_ I'm callin' to dedicate a song fer our captain who sacrificed his life fer ours… Here's to Captain Jack Sparrow. Pass de rum, Rags…

_Hector: _Are we speaking of de same Jack Sparrow? Never mind, here's _Drunken Sailor,_ a good sea shanty. Enjoy.

_Pirates of Penzance play the sea shanty on their pipes and dance a merry hornpipe to the music. _

_Davy Jones: _Is this the 24 Hour Music Channel? I wish to dedicate a song, _Jambalaya, _to me luv_. (Yells at crew) _Git back to work, ye lazy barnacles!

_Hector: _Git back to work, lazy barnacles? Ne'er heard of it. Never mind, we'll line up the theme song from Spongebob instead. That said…

_Tia Dalma:_ Hello? Ah be lookin' fer one pirate lord name of Hector Barbossa. Where be de man? We be expectin' guests tonite. He no show up, ah cook his monkey! _(dangles a screaming Jack the Monkey over a stew pot)_

_Hector: _Oh-oh. Hold yer horses and let's not be too hasty, Tia. I'll be back soon. Mates, that be all fer today's broadcast. Adieu!

**Authors Notes:**

Poor Jack Sparrow is not too well-liked in Shipwreck Cove, isn't he? At least his da cares.

This officially ends the Dead Man's Chest arc.


	18. Broadcast 18

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Hoist the colours, mateys. And Teague feels his age…

**Broadcast 18**

_Shipwreck Cove. Code Keeper's shack. Captain Teague and his first mate, Honest Tom, are seated around a table with a large world map on it. Teague is strumming on his guitar as he directs Tom in moving small wooden ship figures on the map. The melody Teague is strumming is Hoist the Colours. _

_Teague: _Shipmates, things be nigh grim and this be an emergency broadcast. All Pirate Lords still alive to gather at the old meeting place. _(aside to Tom)_ Move Ammand's galley pass Gibraltar as per his plans in the last message from him.

_Honest Tom: _Think he make it past them big guns there?

_Teague shrugs and puts aside his guitar. He gets up with a great creaking of joints, much to his embarrassment. _

_Honest Tom: _Last update from Mistress Ching's boatswain is she'll be coming once she cleans Sao Feng out at their annual mah-jong game. Her advance party is here though… _(moves a model of a Chinese junk on the map) _As for Captaine Cheval-

_Teague: _Tom, did Sao Feng send his advance party? Any medics? I'm not getting needles stuck in me rump by Ching's quack of a physician.

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye, Captain. His very own 17-year-old twin nieces, Sao Wing and Sao Chun. Trained in massage. Very deft hands, so I hear. _(waves over pair of scantily clad girls coming into the shack with the tea trolley)_ What's this? Tea and no rum but tea? Any wine perchance?

_Sao Chun: _Tea good. Alcohol bad for old men.

_Teague: _I see why he sent them ahead. Ow! Tom… me aching back… can they fix it? This is most awkward…

_The Keeper of the Code is in agony and bent over. The girls hasten over and relieve him of clothes down to his underpants. Teague lies face-down on a low table with the girls massaging his back. _

_Teague: (sighs) _That's so much better… Like I said, things are grim. Pirates at sea are warned to be on the lookout for both the navy and Davy Jones' Kraken. Unconfirmed rumours have it that Devil Davy is now in Lord Beckett's pay. Pirates ashore are reminded to keep on their guard. Things equally grim ashore. Tom, patch us over to Willy girl for the live reporting on situation on shore.

_Honest Tom: _Aye, aye, sir! Next we have Miz Willy Raven and her daughters, Miz Temperance and Miz Patience, reporting live from Port Royal.

* * *

><p><em>The gallows before Fort Charles. The condemned pirates are waiting to be hung and singing 'Hoist the Colours'. Willy Raven and her girls are sitting at the foot of the scaffold. They are dressed as law-abiding Englishwomen with aprons and bonnets. Willy is knitting as her girls are working on a patchwork quilt with Jolly Roger motifs. There is a large sewing basket at their feet. <em>

_Willy Raven: (points to a prisoner in the line-up) _Say, isn't that Milos the Cretan? _(scoops toddler out of her oversized basket) _Liberty, dear, wave goodbye to papa. There's a good girl.

_Little Liberty waves goodbye before her mother tucks her back into the basket. _

_Patience: _Maman, we're on.

_Willy Raven:_ Oh, this is Wilhelmina Raven reporting live from Port Royal. The crewmen of the pirate sloop _Hangman_ are to hang today. Crews of the _Gallowsbird _and _Booby _have been hung yesterday at dawn…

_Patience: (nudges her mother and whispers)_ Something wicked this way comes…

_Lord Beckett and Admiral Norrington stroll by in discussion. Norrington sees Willy Raven and the girls. _

_James Norrington: _Sir, that woman… _(points at Willy Raven)_

_Willy nonchalantly continues knitting while her daughters flip the quilt so that it is sporting a Union Jack motif. Lord Beckett turns and sees them._

_Lord Beckett: _Ah, loyal daughters of England I presume. Comely enough, if a little on the slovenly side. Hey you, woman! I need a cleaning woman for my new mansion. Come Mondays and you can do the laundry too.

_Willy Raven: (in an affected country accent)_ As ya wish, Milord. Me and me gals will gladly clean out yer house.

_Lord Beckett: _Eight o'clock, Monday at No. 5 Noble Street. Come along now, Admiral.

_Both Beckett and a reluctant James Norrington leave. _

_Willy Raven: _Now that is done with… Patience, did you get the address? Yes? Good. Oh, the hanging has started… Joe Barker's neck's broken and as are those of Brothers Robertson and Stevenson…

_Lt. Groves approaches and spots the pirate women. _

_Groves:_ Halt! You're under arrest for…

_Willy's daughters toss their quilt over poor Groves and the pirate trio flee. _

_Willy Raven: _This is Wilhelmina Raven signing off. Keep pillaging!

* * *

><p><em>Shipwreck Cove. Teague is receiving a back rub from the Sao twins. <em>

_Teague: _I guess that is all from Willy girl. Put more backbone into it, wench! Tom, update us on the weather report.

_Tom runs out to get the weather report. _

_Sao Wing: _As you wish. _(dons a pair of spiked boots, hops onto Teague's back and starts walking up and down.)_

_Teague: _Ah, that really hits the spot. Do you have anything for corns?

_Sao Chun: _Allow me to offer you a foot treatment… _(snaps on gas mask and starts exfoliating Teague's soles with sandpaper)_

_Honest Tom returns with a slew of weather instruments hanging all over him. _

_Honest Tom: _Weather report from, well, those new-fangled instruments with the fancy dials and… oh dang… let's look at the good old seaweed… _(fishes out seaweed from pocket) _wet. Rain and a stiff wind from the west…

_A bell starts jangling. Teague sits up and hurries over to a radio set. He has a quick exchange of words._

_Teague: _That's the Kraken alarm. I fear the advance fleet from Monsieur Chevalle has been lost thanks to the beastie. Too bad he wasn't on board. All pirates to beware. This is the twentieth ship lost and tis likely the rumour about Davy Jones and His Lordship is true. Which is not surprising given that he sold out his… Is that the phone? There's no call-in today… Never mind… _(answers the phone)_ Hullo? If this is about Jack's rum bill, I'm not picking up that tab. If ye be wishing to sell me insurance, go to hell…

_Davy Jones:_ Teague, I assure you that I'm doing this with great reluctance. The man has me heart hostage…

_Teague:_ Where did ye keep it? The safest place is where it was tae start with. In yer chest. Or at least with a faithful wench. _(hangs up and cuts phone line with dirk)_ Now that's taken care of. I repeat – all pirate lords to report. _(phone rings)_

_Teague: (fishes out his mobile phone)_ I said there's no call-in… And how the heck did ya git this number?

_Tia Dalma:_ Hallo? Ah have humble suggestion. Git all pieces of eight together and ah may help… Mebbe git yer boy back from Locker?

_Teague: _Not interested. _(hangs up and tosses mobile phone out of window)_

_Honest Tom: _Latest news from the Gentleman. He's lost a ship to the navy. There's navy movements off the Horn of Africa. That is far even fer the English navy given their recent budget cuts… Methinks they be receiving extra dough from somewhere.

_Teague: _Not somewhere, but the coffers of the East India Trading Company. Any investors out there hear, hear! Yer profits are being used to commit crimes against humanity. _(picks up a newssheet) _What's this? A petition to declare the Kraken an endangered species as the last of its kind? Which knave slipped this in? Tom?

_Honest Tom: _Sorry, Captain. Recycled paper. Write on both sides. _(flips over the newssheet) _

_Teague: _That's better. An update from our spy in the Admiralty- A naval convoy be loitering off the coast of Florida in the next months. Ye have been warned. Git yer butts outta that dodgy tavern in Savannah or whichever shack ye be in and head out before they close in. _(sips his tea)_ Is this English Breakfast?

_Sao Wing:_ No, Jasmine green tea. Good for overheated blood.

_Teague spits out his tea, straight in the girls' faces. _

_Teague: _Beg pardon, I don't take tea made from flowers. Oh darn, there's another Kraken alarm. _(bell goes off) _Mates, if anyone has any idea how to fend off a Kraken, call in now. Well?

_Dead silence as Honest Tom follows the phone line and finds it cut earlier by Teague. Teague busies himself at the radio set. _

_Honest Tom: _Capt'n… we have a teensy problem _(gets ignored by Teague)_

_Sao Wing and Sao Chun are done wiping their faces. The ladies sidle up to Honest Tom. _

_Sao Chun: _Methinks Mister Tom needs some stress-relieving massage. What say you, sexy? _(wink-wink and tears open his shirt)_

_Honest Tom: _Wait, I'm a married man… Me little lady wouldn't like this…

_The twins drag a protesting Honest Tom out of the room for their own dubious purposes while Teague adjusts the ship-figures on the map._

_Teague: _No callers? Well, that be all. Tune in next time… well, maybe. Tom? Where be he now? Girls?

_A mangy mutt trots into the shack, sits down before the Code-Keeper and wags his tail. _

_Teague: _Hey, no animals… _(looks at the dog's puppy-dog eyes) _Aw… I think I can use a doggy here. Right, boy?

**Author's Notes:**

Not too much humour this round due to the dire straits the pirate brethren find themselves in. And Teague cutting the phone lines. Too much popularity with the ladies can be a bad thing, poor Tom. The prison dog makes his appearance in Shipwreck Cove.


	19. Broadcast 19

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

The pirate lords get a chance to host the show…

**Broadcast 19**

_Singapore. Sao Feng's shack. The Pirate Lord of the South China Sea is toying with a wireless set._

_Sao Feng: _Testing, test – 1,2. Is this thing on? Good. Greetings all. Buccaneers, do drop at Singapore for the latest in maps, navigation, ammo and other shipboard supplies. Who needs the old Shipwreck Cove and Tortuga when you can get quality rum and exotic ladies at _Sao's Spa Resort?_ We will cater to all your pirate-y desires, for a reasonable price…

_Teague: _Sao Feng! Quit hijacking our airwaves! _(on radio)_

_Sao Feng: _Apologies, Code Keeper, but surely there's no rule against advertising a bit of dishonest dealings…

_A lackey comes running in. _

_Sao Feng:_ Scum, there better be a good reason for cutting in on my radio debut…

_Lackey:_ Forgive me, most Honourable Lord Sao. We have visitors from afar in harbour. Also one pretty foreign girl with blond hair.

_Sao Feng:_ Really? How's her bust size?

_Lackey:_ May I describe her assets as round like young coconuts?

_Sao Feng: (Whistles)_ Her waist?

_Lackey:_ Teensy like a wasp's.

_Sao Feng:_ _(clearly interested) _Hips?

_Lackey:_ Round like honey-melon? Swish-swish like young bamboo in wind?

_Sao Feng runs out to greet newcomers and Teague gets his airwaves back for the broadcast from Shipwreck Cove, live from the deck of a ship._

* * *

><p><em>Teague: <em>Actually, I am bit occupied trying to stop the Pirate Lords in Shipwreck Cove from killing each other. Care to do the honours? _(glances over to a heavily-bandaged Tom lying in a hammock) _Oh dear, forgot ye got whacked summat wicked by yer wife. It would've been better if ye took me advice and got outta there while she was dishing it to those two minxes, instead of trying to stick up fer them young imps. I warned ye them mermaids are a tad jealous. And Wilhelmina is still skipping about somewhere in the Caribbean. Mebbe I should go fetch her… Oi, you gentlemen knock it off.

_Pirate Lords Gentleman Jocard, Ammand the Corsair and Captain Villanueva are busy slugging it out. Whistling, Teague loads his pistol. They stop and stare at Teague. _

_Teague: _I would like to have ye host the broadcast.

_Pirate Lords: _Really? What shall we broadcast?

_Teague: _Something light-hearted. We have enough grim news for a bit with more to come. How about introducing the best taverns and watering-holes in yer part of the world?

_Honest Tom: _Captain, is it wise? _(hobbles over to Teague and whispers)_

_Teague: _There is some Chinese saying about three monkeys making a genius. What more three pirate lords? Anyhow, it'll stop them from killing each other. _(goes below decks to get something)_

_Honest Tom: _As you wish… _(retreats to the safety of his hammock in the far corner of the deck to sleep the rest of the day away)_

_Ammand: _Well, gentlemen, let's get on with the programme. I wish to introduce a lovely club in Constantinople – _The Drunken Turk._ Located on the shores of the Bosphorous, it offers good spirits, company and the company is to die for.

_Gentleman Jocard:_ Literally. It is also located next to the Turkish naval academy, including their press-gang recruitment offices. Are you sure you are not introducing this just because your wives have a share in it?

_Ammand: _Ah, the added thrill of danger of being caught. Makes a man feel alive… What do you have to top it?

_Gentleman Jocard:_ Naturally, I have a rustic thatched tavern on the coast of Madagascar, offering nice views of the Indian Ocean and homebrew moonshine. The name is the _Aye Aye Captain_. Just bring your own tankard for their jungle-juice.

_Villanueva: _That name sounds familiar… Aha, doesn't the _Aye Aye Captain's_ homebrew cause blindness, insanity and tremors? And rumours have it that your jungle juice killed old Henry Morgan…

_Gentleman Jocard:_ That was a bad batch of brew. But I guarantee we have improved the recipe. Try it.

_He offers moonshine from his wineskin to the other Pirate Lords and they savour the liquor._

_Villanueva: _Mmm, not bad. Tastes like a fruit wine.

_Ammand_: High enough alcohol for that kick without tasting like piss. What changes did you make to the recipe?

_Gentleman Jocard:_ Now your fruits are not crushed by our womenfolk but by their trained monkeys…

_The two pirates spit out the brew and retch vigorously. _

_Villanueva:_ You villain! You want to poison us_? (whips out rapier)_

_Gentleman Jocard grabs his spear. Ammand the Corsair whips out his scimitar. The trio circle each other warily. Then Teague pops back on deck with his wife's head._

_Teague: _What's this? Mutiny? _(reaches for his pistol)_ So who wants to go first?

_The trio drop their weapons. _

_Teague:_ That's better. Now continue the introduction to the taverns. We'll forgo the morons calling in to ask fer help segment fer today. Taxi! _(waves his hand)_

_A rowboat with the TAXI sign painted on the side pulls up alongside and Teague climbs into it. _

_Teague: The Misty Lady_ and make it quick.

_The Pirate Lords watch Teague leave for his moored ship. _

_Villanueva:_ Well, I would like to introduce the _Red Cardinal_. Nice little tavern in the Canary Islands with a touch of home…

_Ammand:_ Update, my Spanish amigo. The _Red Cardinal_ is no more. We had a slight disagreement with the club and torched it the last time my galley was taking on supplies on the Canaries.

_Villanueva: _What? You torched the place?

_Ammand: _To the ground and strung up the old bat who owned it.

_Villanueva: _You murdered my mama? _(grabs spear from deck in a rage)_

_Ammand: _Wait… you don't mean that ugly old crone running the tavern was your mother? Let's calm down and talk things over like amigos… Help! _(starts running with Senor Villanueva in hot pursuit)_

_Gentleman Jocard: _Oh well, I know Mister Teague said not to call in, but since my colleague is busy trying to avenge his mother's demise, I may as well enjoy poking fun at some ridiculous problems of yours. Call in now. Hello?

_Senor Villanueva's mom:_ I want to speak to my son. Eduardo. Why can't he visit me more often?

_Gentleman Jocard:_ Wait, aren't you dead, hung by a Turkish captain?

_Senor Villanueva's mom:_ Turkish captain lousy at knots. And big rainstorm put out fire on my house.

_Gentleman Jocard turns to see Villanueva trying to hang Ammand from the yardarms. _

_Gentleman Jocard:_ Wait! It's your mom on the phone.

_Villanueva:_ Mama?

_Villanueva's mom:_ Has my sweet little Eduardo been a good little boy?

_Villanueva:_ Yes, ma.

_Villanueva's mom:_ Remember to be nice to your senior officers and the ladies. Always change your socks every morning and remember to wash behind your ears… Oh, do you change your underwear every night like I taught you to do?

_Villanueva:_ Yes, ma.

_Villanueva's mom:_ Oh, can you sing me that song about the froggies like you used to do as a little boy? It is Mother's Day… Don't forget the hops.

_Villanueva:_ Ma, not now… Oh, alright. _(sings in a squeaky voice) Two little froggies hopping on the bed… One fell down and bumped his head… (hopping about like a frog) Mama called the doctor and the doctor said, no more froggies hopping on the bed_… Happy Mother's Day.

_Villanueva's mom:_ Now kiss mama, sweetie.

_Villanueva:_ Ma! Don't embarrass me…

_Villanueva's mom:_ Kiss, now.

_A resigned Villanueva kisses the phone before tossing the phone over the side. He turns to see his colleagues giggling like a pair of schoolboys. _

_Villanueva:_ What happens in Shipwreck stays in Shipwreck. Now I recall why I haven't been to the _Red Cardinal _for years. Ammand my amigo, come. Let's teach you to tie a proper noose…

_The Spaniard and the Turk go off to a corner of the quarterdeck._

_Gentleman Jocard:_ This is Gentleman Jocard, Pirate Lord of the Ivory Coast, signing off with some bush music – _The Lion Sleeps Tonight._ Hit it, boys.

_A troop of chimpanzees play The Lion Sleeps Tonight on their bongos._

**Author's Notes: **

Poor Honest Tom got whacked by his wife thanks to Sao's nieces. No good deed goes unpunished. Poor chap.

The Gentleman's moonshine sounds hazardous to health. Blindness and seizures are a common result of drinking tainted or improperly distilled alcohol.

Should any of the pirate lords be allowed to host the Pirate Broadcast in Teague's absence? What do you think? Who would have thought the feared Pirate Lord of the Atlantic is a mama's boy?

Happy Mother's Day.


	20. Broadcast 20

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

**Broadcast 20**

_Shipwreck Cove. The Grand Hall. Three pirate lords are gathered at a card table playing whist. They are Mistress Ching, Lord of the Pacific Ocean, Sri Sumbhajee Angria, Lord of the Indian Ocean and Captaine Chevalle, Pirate Lord of the Mediterranean. The phone rings and Chevalle answers._

_Chevalle: _Hello? Code-keeper? Really? Merci! Merci! _(hangs up)_ Ladies and gentlemen, Captain Teague has agreed to our proposed programme.

_Mistress Ching:_ Great! I can't wait to share my cooking recipes.

_Sumbhajee:_ Cooking? I thought we're going to share Indian music!

_Chevalle: _No, no… I'm sharing fashion tips! The latest in Parisian… like my new wig…

_Mistress Ching:_ Who cares about what they're wearing in France? Folks will be more interested in my sweet-sour sautéed calamari recipe…

_Sumbhajee:_ Parisian fashion? Pah! There's nothing macho about curly wigs and lacy cuffs. You want proper manly fashions? Nothing like my secret Ceylon recipe for making your moustache stiff and macho…

_Chevalle:_ This coming from a man with the voice of a chipmunk…

_Sumbhajee:_ You take that back, you son of a donkey!

_Sumbhajee throws a punch at the Frenchman. The pair gets into a scuffle and Sumbhajee's turban is knocked off to reveal playing cards hidden under it. Mistress Ching and Captaine Chevalle realise their colleague has been cheating at cards and pounce on him, raining punches._

_Sumbhajee:_ My back! My back! It's broken! Men! Save me!

_Sumbhajee's henchmen rush to the rescue, only to be confronted by the henchmen of Mistress Ching and Captaine Chevalle. The room erupts into a bloodbath._

* * *

><p><em>Miles away on the Misty Lady, Teague is listening in on the ruined broadcast with Honest Tom. <em>

_Teague:_ Five guineas say they'd string up Sumbie by his thumbs. Man could never keep from stuffing cards up his turban… This is why I say we need a Plan B.

_Honest Tom:_ What's Plan B?

_Teague:_ One Lieutenant Gillette to host for some spare cash. They must really be doing serious budget cuts in the Royal navy. First farming out their admirals to work for the East India Trading fat cats, now their officers are doing part-time to pay for their uniforms. Now, Tom mate, cut over to Mister Gillette, will you?

_Honest Tom:_ Will 'e do it? I mean, 'e is a naval man and we're-

_Teague:_ Ye think I am fool nuff to tell 'im we're a pirate broadcast? He thinks we're good honest seamen…

* * *

><p><em>Fort Charles. Lt. Gillette is tuning his violin when his mobile phone rings. <em>

_Lt. Gillette: _Hello? Really? Fine, it's a deal. Just transfer the dough to my bank account at _Pickett Johnson's_. _(catches a sheaf of papers tossed through the window and reads) _Greetings to all mariners. I will be hosting this episode of the _High Sea Broadcast._ First, we report on the recent developments on the high seas. Lord Beckett has gained control over the most feared devil of the seas, Davy Jones, himself, by means I am unable to disclose. All honest seafarers have none to fear from Mister Davy Jones or his Kraken as they are now on orders to sink all pirate shipping. We rejoice in eager anticipation of a pirate-free sea…

_Teague: (calling in)_ Are ye some moron? There's nothing free about his pompous jackass who was once a slaver running about ordering ships sunk! Want us to tie ye to the mast of a ship and crack out the Jolly Roger? Deal's off, mate! I can't have ye openly rejoicing in the deaths of honest fellow pirates. Tom! Plan C!

_Lt. Gillette: _Oh my God! You mean I've been dealing with a pirate broadcast?

_Willy Raven (disguised as a naval admiral) bursts into the room with some marines. _

_Willy Raven:_ Men! There you have it, straight from the goat's mouth. Andrew Gillette, we hereby arrest you for consorting with pirates! And bad music.

_Lt. Gillette: _Wait! I'm innocent! And my name's Philip, not Andrew. _(gets dragged out by marines screaming and kicking)_ Wait! He's in a French navy uniform and we're English!

_Willy Raven starts riffling through the papers on his desk. _

_Willy Raven:_ Got it! Lord Beckett's orders to the marines. _(grabs a stack of letters and dives out the window, with Jack Sparrow style panache)_

_Willy Raven lands in a pile of manure in the stable yard below with a loud Splat! Her children are holding the safety net over to the side under the other window. _

_Children: _Oops…

* * *

><p><em>Teague:<em> Well, here's Plan C. I'm picking up from where our young friend left off. The weather report is sunny and dry. Very dry. Watch those water stores, mates. Seriously. We have just received updates from our contact in Fort Charles. Beckett is trying to corner us at our stronghold in Shipwreck Cove and eliminate us all. Oh my, that can't be good. He's got a spanking new warship named the_ Endeavour_ and intends to have Davy Jones provide additional firepower… Mates, this is seriously bad. Batten down the hatches. Do call in if ye have any suggestions. Dun think we'll be able to help ye much seeing as we're in a fine pickle ourselves. And who knows if the Kraken will be in on it too… Full sails, Tom. We've gotta pick up me girl and the pups before they git in trouble.

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye!

_Davy Jones:_ Hullo, there's this lord who is the boss of me and he wants me to kill my dear pet.

_Teague:_ Mate, that's barbaric. Yer pet's innocent. I propose ye kill that lord. _(tossing a bone to his dog)_

_Davy Jones:_ I can't he has my heart hostage.

_Teague:_ Now, perhaps ye can git someone to care fer yer pet?

_Davy Jones:_ Know anyone who can room a 20 tonne, twelve tentacle beastie? My Kraken is the last of his kind… and gits a tad lonesome

_Teague:_ Put the beastie down.

_Sao Feng's henchman:_ Code-keeper, I think my boss, Sao Feng, is trying to get rid of me. He's sending me on a trip to the farthest gate with some loon who has been there and a voodoo priestess. We're to pick up some Jack Sparrow guy from the Locker… Is there something in Pirate Code about my rights?

_Teague:_ Let's see. _(flips through his pocket codebook) _Sorry, mate. Ye have as much rights as a dead cockroach and yer boss is free to toss yer liver down a crocodile's gullet should he be so inclined. Perhaps ye would like to consider serving another captain?

_Norrington_: Naval helpline? I suspect His Lordship is up to something… I don't trust him… He's sent my best officers off on frivolous chores and I'm stuck with two buffoons. That creepy clerk of his has been sneaking about the Governor's cabin so I'm not seeking the governor's advice. Don't want to get the old chap in trouble. I've just received orders to get on the_ Flying Dutchman. _Should I disobey? But that will be mutinous…

_Teague: _Bit too late fer regrets, ain't it, Jamie boy? And fer the last time, this ain't naval helpline. Go figure.

_Governor Swann:_ Oh dear, oh dear… My daughter is still missing and my son-in-law hasn't sent any word back. I'm so worried. Are they well?

_Teague:_ Based on intelligence from the mermaid gossip vine - ta, Tom, thank yer missus fer us – Liz Swann and Will Turner are scheduled to go over a huge waterfall and spend some time with an old friend in Davy Jones' Locker.

_Governor Swann:_ Good Lord! I must do some – _(dies as his throat is slit by Mercer)_

_Mister Mercer drags the body over to the window and hoists the poor late governor out with a splash. _

_Teague: (oblivious to what has happened to Governor Swann) _Hello? Well, sir, I wish ye be meeting yer little girl soon. Farewell.

_Mercer:_ Er, hello… I think my boss is going to have me replaced. After all the dirty work I've done for him over the years. _(washing his bloody hands in a basin)_ There's this handsome young admiral His Lordship has taken a shine to. And I'm certain he is going to replace me with him!

_Teague:_ Sorry, mate. If he likes surrounding himself with handsome young men, perhaps ye should consider cosmetic surgery. Hey, anyone out there has any ideas on how to deal with Beckett and His Squidface-ness?

_Blackbeard:_ I have a suggestion fer dealing with this pompous lord and his lackey Davy Jones.

_Teague:_ What might that be?

_Blackbeard:_ Zombify them… I'll be pleased to help. Sick of running from a giant calamari… _(waving his sword about as Queen Anne's Revenge races away from pursuing Kraken)_

_Teague:_ Sorry, it's against the Code. No zombifying allowed…

_Mistress Ching:_ Most respected Keeper of the Code, we humbly request you preside over our matrimonial vows.

_Teague:_ Oh, who's the unlucky man, Ching?

_Mistress Ching: (twittering like a love-struck teenager)_ Francis Chevalle…

_Teague:_ Oh well, at least ye're done killing each other. My apologies and congratulations. I'm on the far side of the world now. Git Sumbhajee to preside. Bless the happy couple's union, my Indian friend!

_Sumbhajee: _Happy to oblige! Congrats, man! _(slaps Chevalle on the back, causing his wig to fall off his bald head)_

_Mistress Ching: (staring in horror) _Y-you're bald? Never, ever in my sixty years have I been so insulted! I'll never wed a baldy!

_Chevalle: _Wait, 60? I thought you told me you're a sweet flower of 16!

_The now-unhappy couple slug it out. _

_Sumbhajee: _I presume now no need for wedding blessings?

**Author's Notes:**

True to form, the pirate lords end up brawling. Willy Raven definitely lacks her brother's style. Teague has to do the broadcast in the end.


	21. Broadcast 21

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Honestly, I am running on empty for gags recently. There might be a slight hold-up after this.

**Broadcast 21**

_The Misty Lady is bobbing at anchor in an inlet at a tropical island. Teague's grandson is nursing a sore rear and torn trousers. Grinning ex-Prison Dog has a piece of fabric in his mouth. _

_Jean Baptiste: _Roses be red, violets be blue. Uncle Jack's dead and soon will you… _(chases ex-Prison Dog with axe aloft about the deck) _

_Teague: _Is it the kiddie's poetry hour? _(sticks out leg to trip Jean Baptiste so that both boy and axe go flying over the side with a splash.) _Methinks not. I never did like poetry. Time for the broadcast, right, doggy?

_The dog barks in agreement. _

_Teague: _Greetings all. First, I assure all pirates out there that I will be in time for the meeting. So, Pirate Lords, kindly refrain from killing each other in my absence. Update, Tom. Who's still larking about the high seas instead of trying to beat the stuffing outta each other at the Cove?

_Honest Tom:_ Yes. _(tinkers with the wireless set)_ Update from old Bernie here. We have Senor Villeneuve and Captaine Chevalle fighting a duel at three o'clock. Sumbhajee sending a spitting cobra to Mistress Ching at lunch time. Mistress Ching sending a bomb to Sumbhajee ten minutes later. Ammand the Corsair having another duel with the Gentleman at five o'clock, second one in three days. No sign of Sao Feng yet. Oh, perhaps we should lift that death sentence ye clapped on him…

_Teague:_ Code's the code. I shoot him on sight. Hey, that use of the plank is not in accordance with the Code!

_His grandchildren are using the plank as a diving board. Their mother is doing laundry on the quarterdeck._

_Willy Raven: _Come on, Father. It's a great way for the little ones to have fun. Here, I've ironed your shirt. _(hands Teague freshly laundered and starched shirt)_

_Teague:_ This ain't pirate-ish at all.

_Willy Raven:_ Come on. Just because you're a pirate, you don't have to look as though you live in a pig sty… Oh, that reminds me, hold Mother while I clean out your cabin… _(bustles off after handing her mom's shrunken head to Teague)_

_Teague:_ Doggy, chew… _(Drops clean shirt for dog to savage) _That's so much better… Tom, methinks we should have left her on a sandbar… Where's the rest of the crew?

_Honest Tom:_ In the jolly-boat _(peers over the side at a boatful of drunken sailors) _being very jolly. Shall we git on with the news and weather report?

_Teague:_ Of course. Listeners, we have reports from our sources that pirate hunter Jamie Norrington has been sent aboard the _Flying Dutchman_. Meanwhile, the Kraken's bloated carcass has been washed up on a sand bank. Perhaps His Lordship is making it up to Davy Jones by surrendering his pet admiral? Sao Feng has failed to carry out his duty as Pirate Lord. Has he retired, been murdered or mutinied upon? No one knows. However, if ye be the one who now holds his piece of eight, do report to the Cove. Weather report now. Sunny with a stiff northeastly off Florida and high tides in the North Sea. Flooding risk along the Netherland coast and icebergs off Newfoundland. Typhoon season blows in in the Pacific…

_Honest Tom:_ Pirate captains have reported an increased incidence of EITC spies among the crew. We would like to remind all spies that if we catch ye passin' intel back tae Lord Beckett and the EITC…

_Behind Teague and Honest Tom, a sneaky spy is at the wireless conveying a secret message to his naval masters. Teague turns and fires pistol at both the wireless set and the inept spy. _

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, a bullet 'tween the eyes. That be the fate awaiting ye if ye be lucky. Do call in if ye have any-

_Lizzie Swann:_ Er, we have a bit of problem understanding the directions on this map on how to get out of- Argh! _(Jack Sparrow capsizes the Black Pearl having figured it out)_

_Teague: _Tom, I believe the lady's friends have figured it out.

_Tia Dalma: _Teague, ah got ye boy and Hector 'ere. Ya go git Sao Feng. Need all nine lords and em pieces…

_Teague:_ Listen, ma'am, I don't fetch pirate lords. I am only the Code Keeper. Ye want 'im, go fetch 'im yerself.

_Sao Feng: _Teague, I loaned a junk to my colleague Hector Barbossa and he wrecks her going over a waterfall. Junks don't come cheap and he says he's not paying. My deal with his baby-faced sidekick doesn't count. A stinkin' knave isn't the same as a junk! I demand restitution for my loss. Oh, and might I interest you in buying a mermaid?

_Teague:_ Knowing ye, this mermaid would be a stuffed monkey nailed to a salted fish-tail. Sao, you have been doing dodgy businesses too long so as to muddle yer senses. Ye're a feared pirate lord, aren't ye? Do what pirate lords do!

_Sao Feng:_ Gosh, you're right. Thanks for the reminder. Men! Prepare to attack… Wait, some gent wants to do business with me? Hold on a sec while I hang up.

_Teague:_ Wait! You are to report to the Cove this instant, do ye hear? Ye pox-ridden scallywag! Hallo?

_Honest Tom:_ Guess he hung up. Wait, we have another call coming…

_Othello: _Hello, I have been hearing rumours that my wife has been carrying on with my second-in-command during my absence. I love her even if our backgrounds are totally different. Ack, I should have known better than to marry her. Her father was a senator and I'm just a general… She's too young for me and…

_Honest Tom:_ There, there, let's not be misled by idle gossip. Do you have any proof of the lady's affair? Perhaps the whole thing is in your imagination only. Treat yer wife more kindly. No sense upsetting everyone because of-

_Teague:_ Listen, mate. Like my first mate sez, you better git proof before doing anything. Git someone to look into it. If she's been a dutiful wife, you can be happy…

_Othello:_ Right, I'll get Iago to look into it. But, what if the rumour is true?

_Teague:_ Then you may deal with them as ye see fit. Oh, don't forget to silence that Iago chappie if ye don't want the entire city to know about ye being cuckolded. Dead men tell no tales. Wenches these days… nothing like my Jenny Wren, the model of what a pirate-wife should be… _(kissing Jenny's head) _Wish our Wilhelmina would settle down with a nice pirate…

_Willy Raven:_ Tough one, Father. All the good-looking pirates are hanging at Port Royal, from the gibbet. And I don't settle for second best. _(hanging laundry)_

_Orsino:_ Greetings, I am a duke in Illyria and I've been courting this fair lady. Every day I send my page over with poetry for her but she rejects my affections. Now I hear that she is smitten with the youth! Help! This is an outrage!

_Teague: _Between your bad and boring poetry and a lusty handsome youth. Need the lady choose? It's your bad judgement sending the lad over every day.

_Captain Hook:_ Teague, as a fellow captain, I must demand that you rid me of this problem of children pestering me!

_Teague:_ Flying children again? How much rum have you been drinking?

_Captain Hook:_ I'm tied to me own mast and as sober as I'll ever be. And it's not Peter Pan and his flying boys this time! I'm anchored next to ye and we've been boarded by a pack of little girls. Their names are Charity, Mercy, Faith… No, don't stuff that baby gator down me pants, I beg- OW! Argh!_ (Girlish laughter from amused little tormentors) _

_Willy Raven: _Girls! I said no playtime until the spring-cleaning's done! Free Mister Hook and get back here, this instant, do you hear?

_Grumbling girls row back to the Misty Lady, leaving poor Captain Hook still tied up with a baby gator down his pants. _

_Honest Tom:_ Capt'n, I have received an update from the cook that some salted meats of dubious origin are finding their way into our pirate rations…

_Teague:_ Are they marked '_Human, product of Pelegosto_'? I'm not into long pig…

_Honest Tom:_ Nay, they're listed on the manifest as '_Dried Kraken_'.

_Teague:_ Will do. Stick them in with the salted pork and pickled sheep heads. I'm going to take a wee nap. _(Yawns and goes into his cabin)_

_Honest Tom:_ Well, well, that be all… _(phone rings)_ Er, hello?

_Jack Sparrow:_ Uncle Tom, this may sound mighty ungrateful. My pal risked his life gittin' me outta a nasty place but I think he's 'bout to sell me out to me enemies…

_Honest Tom:_ Tut-tut, Jackie lad. I never took ye for a paranoid-ish type…fer shame! Well, mates. That be all fer the broadcast. Farewell till next time.

**Author's Notes:**

I'm back to having Shakespearean characters call in for advice. Othello is a character from a play of the same name by the Bard. Orsino is a character from the Twelfth Night. The children are real terrors, aren't they?

That Kraken meat is going to come back and haunt our pirates…


	22. Broadcast 22

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Some torture references here. And some schoolroom physics courtesy of Willy Raven.

**Broadcast 22**

_The Misty Lady's deck. Young Patience and Jean Baptiste have a captured spy on a rack and the pair is merrily torturing him for information. Their elders, Captain Teague and Honest Tom, come on deck. _

_Teague: _So a good day to all ye pox-ridden mutinous dogs- _(stops when he sees what grandkids are up to)_ Avast there! What ye be doing?

_Patience:_ Trying to get information out of this traitorous rat, grandfather.

_Teague:_ We ain't the Spanish Inquisition! There's no place fer a rack on me ship. Git rid of it!

_Patience and Jean Baptiste shove the rack over the side with the help of their younger siblings, with the prisoner still tied to it. A splash sounds over the side. Teague glares at the children before turning to his first mate._

_Teague: _Tom, if Amnesty International calls about this, I'm not in. Where's Willy?

_Honest Tom:_ Miz Willy be ashore gitting water…

_Teague:_ Where's the other spy we caught? _(glares at the undone ropes around the mainmast)_

_Patience:_ Ashore with mama, spilling his guts.

_Teague: (raises an eyebrow)_ I don't like the sound of that. Tom, ring up Wilhelmina.

_Honest Tom:_ But, Capt'n, the broadcast.

_Teague:_ It can wait. Call Wilhelmina now. And where's the plank?

* * *

><p><em>On the island, Willy Raven and a half-dozen brats are waterboarding a hapless spy in the spring. The spy is tied to a plank set up as a see-saw and the children are ducking him into the water. <em>

_Willy Raven:_ So, Mercy, do we understand the principles of equilibrium of forces now?

_Mercy: _Yes, ma. To keep the plank level, Redemption will have to sit closer to the fulcrum than Freedom. _(Tots the infant Freedom's basket on hip)_

_Willy Raven: _Where should Liberty sit to keep the plank level? Oh, someone's calling… Hello? _(answers her mobile phone)_

_Teague:_ Wilhelmina, what are ye doin' with the spy?

_Willy Raven:_ Nothing but teaching the children a bit of physics…

_Teague:_ No waterboarding, racking or tearin' out the guts?

_Willy Raven: _No, father… _(she continues talking to Teague on the phone)_

_The children get bored with the see-saw and run off, leaving the hapless prisoner to drown in the spring. _

_Willy Raven: _Very well, we'll bring him back so to have you question him… _(turns and sees the dead spy in the spring) _oops… Er, don't you have a broadcast to see to?

* * *

><p><em>Teague: <em>Ye be right, Willy lass. _(picks up newssheet) _Ahoy ye scallywags, we have the broadcast here. First the news. More naval activities sighted in the North Atlantic and in the Bahamas. More pirate ships captured on the waters off Florida. More worrying are the reports of the _Flying Dutchman_ frequenting the waters… with the Admiral Norrington and a score of marines on board. Hope they like the barnacle-look. Never mind, it will grow on them, _eventually_. Now over to Tom with the updates on the hangings…

_Honest Tom: _Ahem, the following ships have been lost to the navy – _Revenger, Rust Bucket, Maria Antonia, Commodore's (bleep-bleep)…_

_Teague:_ Hey, this is a T-rated broadcast. Keep it civil.

_Honest Tom:_ Sorry, Captain. It's the ship's name… _(hands his newssheet to Teague)_

_Teague puts on glasses and peers at the list of captured ships. _

_Teague:_ Well, I'll be damned… Which _(bleep-bleeping) _named his _(bleep-bleep)_ ship such a _(bleep-bleeping)…_

_Honest Tom:_ Please, captain, keep it civil… Don't ye wish to give the weather report from our sponsors?

_Teague:_ Who's our new sponsor?

_Honest Tom:_ Singing Barnacle Potted Soup. Tastes like… _(takes a spoonful, turns green and starts hurling over the side)_

_Teague: _There ye have it, mates. Singing Barnacle Potted Soup is inedible, even fer a salty dog like old Tom. Now the weather report. Expect maelstroms off Norway, cyclones off India, volcanic eruptions in Iceland and…

_Willy Raven climbs on board with her children. _

_Willy Raven:_ Father, a little birdie just told me the largest pirate rum distillery came under cannon fire from the navy last night. Major damage sustained, they expect production to take two months to resume. Rum prices are spiking through the roof. Oh, I forgot to mention earlier that the rum barrels in the hold sprung a leak and we're all dry.

_Teague:_ Santa Maria! That is a disaster! Tom! I need my emergency rum! TOM!

_Honest Tom:_ Coming, Capt'n… _(smashes case marked EMERGENCY RUM)_ Eh, it's empty… We must've forgotten to re-stock…

_Captain Teague cocks pistol and fires at his first mate, blowing the hat off his head. _

_Teague: _Ye mutinous cur! Traitor! _(chases Honest Tom around the mainmast)_

_Willy Raven:_ Calm down, father… How about a cuppa tea? You need to handle the call-ins…

_Teague:_ To _(bleep) _with the call-ins!

_Sao Feng:_ It is not fair! I was about to get romantic with a goddess and damned Davy Jones is attacking my ship! How come I don't get a chance to cosy up with a goddess without someone being out to kill me?

_Teague: _I don't _(bleep-bleep) _care if you have the entire Brethren Court and the navy after yer neck! Ye always were a treacherous snake in the grass who will chase anything in a skirt, including that one-eyed beanpole skeleton from Hector's crew. And why are ye chasing sea-nymphs instead of convening at Shipwreck Cove?

_Sao Feng's shipmate: _Er, Captain Codekeeper… we have a mighty unusual situation here. Our captain Sao Feng, most feared pirate on the waves has shuffled off the mortal coil. We're in the midst of a sea battle here-

_Teague: _Great, another one bites the dust and checks in with Davy Jones' waitlist… Who's his piece with?

_Sao Feng's shipmate: _Er, he passed his piece to this foxy wench of a girl… Does that make her our great leader now?

_Teague:_ YES! Code's the code. Sao Feng's named his heir and ye gotta take yer orders from her. At least he didn't pass his piece to his pet dog. Great, simply great! Just what we need… another lady on the Brethren Court… If this keeps up, we'll be having quilting bees instead of good old-fashioned brawling and wenching…

_Mistress Ching's henchman:_ Apologies, most respected Keeper of the Code… My most radiant mistress, Mistress Ching, Bright Pearl of the East China Sea, wishes to enquire as to the reason behind your most unseemly outburst. She might enjoy tea to wine, embroidery and poetry, but she is capable of brawling as much as the next pirate.

_Teague:_ No offence there, mate. Send my apologies to yer mistress. Must respect one's elders and she is indeed so much older than little old me.

_Sumbhajee: (in usual squeaky voice)_ Teague, I demand you stop them laughing at my voice!

_Teague rolls about laughing on the deck as the Indian Ocean pirate lord rants on the phone._

_Captaine Chevalle:_ Teague, we're getting a little bored here sitting about waiting for the scumbag Sao to show up. Would ye mind if I put up a ballet and opera show for tonight?

_Teague:_ If you wanna mince about in a tutu and sing, don't let me stop you. You can do a duet with Sumbie. Willy! Set a course for the Cove! I have some rum stashed there and by _(bleep) _I need it!

**Author's Notes:**

The children are receiving a well-rounded education in the sciences as well as the arts and piratical seamanship from their mom.

No rum equals one very unhappy code keeper. Teague definitely has all his feathers ruffled the wrong way thanks to Honest Tom forgetting to re-stock the emergency rum.


	23. Broadcast 23

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

**Broadcast 23**

_The Misty Lady. Captain Teague and his first mate are looking a tad green in the face. _

_Teague:_ Matey, methinks the calamari we ate fer dinner ain't fresh… Mayhaps ye be right bout it goin' off…

_Honest Tom:_ It was Kraken, Capt'n. It was a bit wormy and reeked like a piss-pot… Oh, my…_(clutches his tummy and runs to the head) _

_Captain Teague retches over the side. _

_Teague: _Willy? How are ye and the pups faring?

_Willy Raven:_ Never felt better, father. If you recall we abstained from that reeking stew your cook served up.

_Teague: _Splendid! Ye can cover fer me and… _(retching over the side) _please, Willy-lass, juz fer this broadcast… Oh-oh, I need that jakes-pot!

_Willy Raven: _As you wish, papa. _(Steps aside to let Teague make a dash for his cabin) _Greetings and salutations to all mariners and sea dogs. We will be hosting this broadcast brought to you by Salter's salt pork and Blue Ribbon Tea. First the news – Sao Feng is officially deceased and there is a new pirate lord in his place. The Code-keeper would appreciate it if she were to present herself before the Brethren Court that they may either congratulate her or kill her for the landlubber she is. Storm in a teacup I say. Speaking of storms, shipping in the Indian Ocean can expect to encounter the typhoons and ships in the Southern Ocean can expect to encounter gales. Shipping in the remote islands has ground to a halt amidst rumoured incidences of cannibalism and headhunting by the locals, particularly in waters off Pelegosto. Temperance, over to you whilst I take a cuppa. _(pours out a steaming cup of tea from a samovar)_

_Temperance: _Aye, aye, mama. The captain and much of the crew of the _Misty Lady_ have been stricken down by a bout of food poisoning. We will be reading some excerpts from the _Mariner's Handbook to Provisioning for Lubbers._ So as to better guide you mariners when provisioning. One, fresh meat is good. Rotten stinking meat with maggots is bad and should not be eaten. Least of all, meat harvested from a decaying Kraken washed up on a sandbank. Two, fruits and veggies a must to keep scurvy at bay… _(pulls a face)_ Broccoli is not pleasant, but it beats scurvy. Three, carry enough provisions for your journey and make use of any chance to re-stock stores if the chance allows… Shipmates can be considered a legit food source in extreme conditions, but really, let's try to avoid that…

_Baby Freedom crawls out of a nearby cooking pot. _

_Willy Raven: _Alright, who popped Freedom in the pot?

_Jean Baptiste runs around with a musket and lets fly shots at roosting seabirds, sending bullets ricocheting in all directions. Baby Freedom takes one look at his older brother's bad aim and crawls back into the safety of the cast-iron pot. _

_Willy Raven: (snatches firearm from her son) _Off with you, Jean Baptiste. Go up to the crow's nest or something… I believe we have advised them enough on provisioning. Let's allow them to call in. Let those calls roll in, fellow buccaneers.

_Mutineer-in-the-making:_ My captain is an ass! We have been treated like dogs by that no-good landlubber who can't find his way in a fishpond! Juz because he's appointed by His Royal Majesty doesn't give 'im the right to lord it o'er the rest of us!

_Willy Raven: _Sounds like mutiny-time to me. Go for it, sailor! Oh, and we hereby state that we will not be responsible for any injuries or deaths from high treason arising from your actions. Next call, please…

_James Norrington: _My ex-fiancée is on board the same ship as me…

_Willy Raven:_ That is awkward. Are you on some honeymoon trip with your new wife or a mistress?

_James Norrington:_ No, I'm sailing with a couple dozen marines, Davy Jones and his fishy crew and Lord Beckett's slimy clerk what's-his-name. I'm guarding Davy Jones' heart while my ex-fiancee is locked up in the brig with some lunatic barnacle-guy.

_Willy Raven:_ Jamie, you are an imbecile. Why the hell are you standing there when you can win back your ex-fiancée's heart if you're so inclined?

_James Norrington:_ But she's in love with William Turner! And she's gone pirate and as a naval admiral…

_Willy Raven:_ Ah, but you are in love with her still, right, Admiral? It's time to decide, Jamie, whether to listen to your sense of duty or your own heart.

_James Norrington: _By Jove, you're right. Thank you! _(hangs up and rushes to save Elizabeth Swann)_

_Willy Raven: _He's a nice chap for a navy man. I am fond of him myself…

_Jean Baptiste: (yelling from crow's nest)_ Ship! Ship! Naval man o'war, mama! Heading for us!

_Willy Raven:_ Children! Man the sails! Ready the cannons! If it be a fight they're after, it's a fight they'd get!

_Chaos as children run around the deck and scramble up the rigging. Visibly ill crewmen stagger onto the deck. Being woefully undermanned, the Misty Lady is unable to prevent the man o'war from catching up and boarding. In the scrambling, a large barrel is rolled against Teague's cabin door, jamming against the knob and locking him in._

_Teague (from within): _Eh? Are we being boarded? Lemme out! _(furious rattling of door knob)_

_Willy Raven: _Battle stations all!

_A suave lieutenant of the French navy crosses swords with Willy Raven while her children and the other crewmates engage in close combat with the boarders. The crew of the Misty Lady put up a spirited defence of their ship._

_Jacques: _Mademoiselle, enchantez. I do believe we have met before in St Martinique. Ah, my dark-haired raven…

_Willy Raven:_ Jacques Corbette?

_Definite change of mood as the pair engages in a cross between sword-fighting and tango. The children toss exploding grenades at the enemy ship. Tide turns in favour of the pirates. Jacques has Willy Raven up against the mainmast. _

_Jacques: _I believe now is the time for you to surrender to moi…

_Willy Raven: _Jacques, my love, I beg to differ. My children are stringing up your commanding officer from the yardarms… _(bats eyelashes coquettishly) _

_Jacques: _Frankly, my dear, I do not give a damn.

_Willy Raven: _Well, I do have a weak spot for handsome naval officers speaking French…

_Jacques: _Ze moonlight, ze sea breeze. _C'est magnifique_…

_The couple kiss passionately. Jacques uses his cutlass to cut a rope which allows a piece of sailcloth to fall gently over them. The Pirates of Penzance play a romantic rendition of 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight'. The sailcloth sinks to the deck and rocks gently…_

_Teague finally emerges from his cabin after Honest Tom rolls the barrel blocking the door away. _

_Teague: _Lemme at them! Where're the boarders-

_Teague stops and stares at the rocking sailcloth on the deck and the band playing away. _

_Patience: _Apologies, grandpa. Shipmate in the making…

_Teague: _Don't ask, don't tell… Tom! I want my rum! _(walks away)_

_Patience: _Dear listeners, the French man o'war _Henriette Marie_ has been captured by us and we're teaching her crew how to swim if they do not wish to join us…

_Jean Baptiste: _That or swinging from the yardarms. _(shoves another captured French sailor off the plank at sword-point)_

_Patience: _Since Mama is otherwise occupied, I wish all listeners a good-night with '_Can You Feel the Love Tonight_', followed by _'Ave Maria'_. Prepare for the wedding march, mon amis… Uncle Tom! Where do you want the altar set up? Perhaps it'd be best to finish the formalities before sailing into the Cove…

_Baby Freedom comes crawling with the ship's Bible and hands it to Honest Tom._

_Honest Tom: _Well, well, let's pray that this one lasts.

**Author's Notes:**

Don't worry too much about the crew's food poisoning. Pirates are amazingly resilient. Sounds like wedding bells in the air for Wilhelmina and her turncoat beau. How did the children and their mama fare with the broadcast? Vote from 1 (walk them off the plank) to 10 (time for Teague to retire from the Broadcast).


	24. Broadcast 24

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

I'm tossing in a mermaid from OST for this broadcast. Now we get to meet Honest Tom's missus, and the pirates are introduced to sushi.

**Broadcast 24**

_Misty Lady. A very sexy ginger-haired mermaid is perched on the bulwarks. She slides onto the deck and her tail changes to legs, very sexy legs. Honest Tom is peering through the keyhole of the captain's cabin. Mermaid slips on a dress, walks over and gives Tom a cuff to the head. _

_Mermaid: _Quit it, dear. Let the lovebirds enjoy their little honeymoon. Captain Teague did lease them his cabin for their privacy after all.

_Honest Tom: _Sorry dearest… The Capt'n did ask me to keep an eye on Miz Willy… _(goes back to keyhole)_

_Mermaid:_ Not that way, you loveable dolt._ (cuffs him another one) _Now where are all the little kiddies we should be babysitting? I fear we are a tad short…

_Missing children:_ Geronimo! _(group-bungee-jump from yardarms) _

_The cord breaks and half a dozen children end up in the water with a splash. Honest Tom and the mermaid peer over the side. _

_Honest Tom: _Oh dear, Capt'n will not be pleased…

_Willy Raven and her new husband open the cabin door and peer out. _

_Willy Raven: _What was that? _(sees remaining children and does a head-count)_ One, two- three…

_Honest Tom: (in a blatant lie)_ Nothing to worry about. Go enjoy your honeymoon. _(urges the couple back into the cabin and shuts the door)_

_Honest Tom:_ Tamara my dearest wifey. Please help me out with the broadcast while I haul those imps out of the drink.

_Tamara:_ You can count on me, hubby dear.

_Honest Tom rushes to lower the lifeboat with the help of the remaining children. _

_Tamara: _Greetings all sailors. I will be broadcasting the pirate news today as Captain T is occupied at a convening of the nine pirate lords at Shipwreck Cove. Loser Beckett and his henchman Davy Jones are hot on the trail of the Black Pearl but not close enough to make any pirate lose sleep. In the meanwhile, the Mermaid Sisters of the Environment would like to request whoever it is tying corpses to barrels and tossing them into the ocean to cease and desist. Littering is so not civilized. If you must toss some chaps into the sea, at least do it whilst they are alive and invite us to the feast. We mermaids like our food fresh, live and kickin' fresh. Speaking of which… Dinner-time, kids! Come and get it!

_Children rush to grab their dinner. _

_Hope:_ Mrs Tom, Mrs Tom. The fish dinner is still alive… _(holds out plate with flopping fish on it)_

_Tamara: _It is called sashimi, sweetie. Eat it and you will grow up as beautiful as me.

_Hope: _Really? _(starts eating live fish)_

_Patience: _Aunt Tamara… Jean Baptiste is losing a fight with his dinner.

_Jean Baptiste is struggling to pull an angry live octopus off his face. _

_Tamara: _Go help your brother, dearie. Aunt Tamara is busy right now…

_Patience:_ Okay. _(loads musket) _Hold still, bro. I'll shoot it off ya!

_Tamara:_ Now where was I? Ah, the weather report. Sunny and calm. Perfect weather for a parley, elections and a spot of cannonade practice. Of course, there is always that chance that someone will piss the Sea Goddess off and we'll be facing a typhoon on top of a maelstrom. In which case, that spells sea battle and a feast for us mermaids. Just kidding. Calypso has been awfully quiet for the last hundred years or so. Wonder what happened to her… _(sees her husband returning with the children)_ Got all of them, Tommy?

_Honest Tom: _Aye, my sweet. A few bruises and broken bones… and we had to fight off a shark or two. Not too bad, overall… _(sees dinner) _Oh, sushi again?

_Tamara: _One day, folks will pay big bucks to eat this…

_Honest Tom: _Not in my lifetime… _(groans as his dinner leaps from his plate into the sea)_

_Tamara: _A spot of gossip. That handsome hunk of an admiral some of you mermaids have been drooling over, Norrington, has been killed by one of Davy Jones' fishy crew. Sorry girls… But it beats him marrying some snotty society lady. Now it is time for the call-in, mermaids and sailors.

_Mermaid:_ Tamara, I have a crush on this fisherman. Is it proper etiquette for me to grab him and drag him to the depths and after kissing him? I'm afraid my sisters will get the wrong idea and start snacking on him.

_Tamara:_ Dearie, don't be too direct. Play a little hard to get. Sing, tease him a bit. Check if he is as interested as you are. Go on a few dates first. No sense hurrying things. If there is a connection, kiss him and invite him home. Don't forget to invite your sisters to your wedding. If not, drag him to the depths and invite your sisters for dinner.

_Sailor:_ Er, I have a wee bit of a problem. There's this mermaid I think fancies me. Problem is- I'm a family man… I've got a wife, in fact, three. One in London, one in Marseilles and one in Port Royal. I mean it is fine with me for a fling but I can't wed a fish… Argh! _(screams as angry mermaid drags him over the side to the depths) _

_Tamara: _Mariners beware. We mermaids are known to be jealous and absolutely hate our men two-timing us…

_Jack Sparrow: _The name's Captain Jack Sparrow. I have a teensy problem. Ye see… there's this lassie I need tae make Pirate Queen. But if I make her Pirate Queen, she'd toss me over to old Davy Jones fer her sweetheart. How can I git outta this mess?

_Tamara:_ Sounds like a fair deal to me. Especially since you are that Captain Jack Sparrow who can do anything, right? Trust getting away from Davy Jones will be a piece of cake?

_Pirate: _Some traitor led the bloody navy to us at Shipwreck Cove. Now we are surrounded. Any idea who the traitorous dog is so as we can string him up?

_Honest Tom: _Shouldn't ye be discussing how to git outta that mess with yer shipmates?

_Tamara: _Probably someone with a wonky compass and a wanton disregard for life. Believe me, getting to our location isn't a stroll on the beach.

_Teague:_ No one respects the Code no more! Argh!

_Honest Tom:_ Calm down, captain… Let's not be hasty…

_Tamara: _One word - Pistol.

_Gunshot sounds over the phone as someone gets killed. _

_Teague: _Emergency broadcast – The Brethren have elected Elizabeth Swann, Pirate Lord of the South China Sea, as Pirate King. We will prepare for war! Tom! Go roust my Willy-girl and that Frenchman of hers, will ye? The honeymoon's off!

_Tamara: _That's all for the broadcast folks. Good night. _(slips off her dress and dives into the sea to swim off) _

**Author's Notes: **

It is nearing the end of the AWE arc.

Tamara is the mermaid from OST who leads the attack on the pirates in Whitecap Bay.


	25. Broadcast 25

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Yes, it is the run-up to the big battle scene, with exclusive interviews. Whoa, took me a while to write this.

**Broadcast 25**

_On board the Black Pearl. Teague is perched on a barrel with Jenny's head hanging from his belt. He calmly strums his guitar amidst the bustle of war preparations about him. His pooch is sitting on his lap dozing. _

_Honest Tom: _Capt'n? They be in position now…

_Teague:_ Thank ye, Tom. Ahoy all ye mangy sea dogs. We havin' an exclusive broadcast here, with interviews. Hope we can cover everything before the cannonballs start flyin'. First we hand ye over to me son-in-law, Jacques, who has managed to sneak aboard the _Endeavour._ The sneaky little froggy…

* * *

><p><em>On the Endeavour. Beckett is enjoying a cuppa tea attended to by Lieutenant Groves. <em>

_Jacques: (dressed as a royal envoy) _Your Lordship, _(bows)_ The name's Lord Commodore Perry. I am a representative of the king and we are here as observers for the recommendation for your future knighthood and nomination to the House of Peers. Please kindly enlighten us as to your plans for your fleet.

_Lord Beckett_: Ah, yes. God bless His Majesty and long live he. I will accept the honour of knighthood. Basically, we have surrounded the scurvy dogs in their den and will wipe them off the face of the earth.

_Jacques:_ Please, Your Lordship. What role will that seaweed-caked hulk yonder play in your plans? _(thumbs his thumb at the Flying Dutchman)_

_Lt Groves: _Lord Beckett sir…

_Lord Beckett:_ Oh hush! I'm busy being interviewed…. Ah, yes… Davy Jones has an understanding with me. He does my bidding and his heart stays intact…

_Jacques:_ Say, Mister Jones. What do you have to say to our listeners of His Lordship's battle plan?

_Davy Jones:_ I say we approach them and sink them with our superior firepower and I'm getting the short end of the stick.

_Jacques:_ Rumour has it that the _Black Pearl,_ a pirate ship can outrun your ships any day. Is there any truth in that?

_Davy Jones:_ Pah! She cannae run with her hull blasted out, and I have vacancies on me crew for her crewmen… Keep her former captain in de brig company …

_Jacques:_ Any last words, Lord Beckett? Oh, I mean parting words to our listeners?

_Lord Beckett:_ The era of the pirate is over. And this is the last day any pirate will sail on the sea.

_Jacques:_ Lovely plan, ain't it? We will submit a recommendation for knighthood, not for Beckett, but for Davy Squidface Jones. Since he's doing all the work. Of course, don't get your hopes up too high. Recommendation for an English knighthood don't count much coming from an American chappie. Ta-ta. _(dives over the side and swims to waiting rowboat manned by his wife and stepchildren. The family swiftly paddles out of cannon range) _

_Davy Jones and Lord Beckett exchange bewildered looks. _

_Davy Jones: _Was he with you?

_Lord Beckett:_ I thought he was with you.

_Lt Groves:_ Sir, I've been trying to tell you… He's dressed as a Spanish royal envoy…

_Lord Beckett:_ Shut yer trap, man. You're speaking out of turn!

* * *

><p><em>Teague:<em> Thank ye, Jacques. Now I'll be covering the freeing of Calypso live from the deck of the _Black Pearl_…

_Honest Tom: _Capt'n, ye don't fancy the idea, do ye?

_Teague: _Why do ye say so?

_Honest Tom: _Ye be wearing a life-jacket, squatting behind a keg of rum and tied Jenny round yer neck by the hair and ye have the codex tied on yer back in an oilskin.

_Teague: _So? Not sure how pissed off Her Goddess-ship will be after all this while… Better safe than sorry.

_Honest Tom:_ Shall I go check them lifeboats?

_Hector: (striding over)_ Hey, Captain T. We say them words and burn them pieces of eight, but it ain't working!

_Teague:_ Say them proper!

_Hector:_ How? In French, Spanish or double Dutch? Is that a lifejacket? Have ye gone soft?

_Teague: _No… _(tears off the lifejacket and chucks it over the side)_

_Hector: _Come on, Captain T. I was first mate to ye once… I know when you're expectin' trouble. And your dog is sitting in a lifeboat with old Tom.

_Teague: _Aye, always the first mate, never the captain… At least ye get to captain the _Pearl _now that ye threw my Jackie to Devil Davy…

_Hector: _No hard feelings, mate. Pirate King's command. Now, how do we free Calypso again?

_Teague:_ Say them words as a lover would…

_Hector:_ Sorry, short, dark and witchy ain't my type. Ye say it…

_Ragetti:_ Time's a-wasting. I'll say it. I dun wanna lose me wood eye fer nuttink…

_Ragetti goes and frees Calypso. Calypso curses the pirates before turning into a million crabs and escaping. _

_Teague: (yanking crabs out of his hair) _Nice going, One-Eye. Now we not only have the navy and Davy Jones waiting. We also have a mighty pissed pagan sea goddess out to flay the hides off our backs.

_Elizabeth Swann:_ Battle stations! We fight!

_Teague:_ Tom? I'm leaving.

_Honest Tom: (from a rowboat) _Ooh-uh, the sea's looking a tad choppy… Hurry it up, Captain!

_Teague:_ Who's gonna cover the battle? Where's Jacques? He's the expendable one… Willy should've rowed him over by now!

_Honest Tom: _Their rowboat's too far out. _(peers through spyglass) _Er, and Miz Willy is snogging her hubby dearest in the boat.

_Teague: _In front of the kiddies? _(peers through his spyglass and sees no sign of the children, only his daughter and son-in-law going at it like a pair of bunnies) _

_Children suddenly start climbing onto the Pearl beside Teague. _

_Jean Baptiste and Patience: (clambering on board the Black Pearl) _Leave it to us, grandpapa! The Brethren needs a Code Keeper and Uncle Jack will make a lousy one…

_Teague: _Be careful, pups. Do yer worst.

_Jean and Patience:_ With pleasure, sir!

_They are joined by a mob of their siblings, all armed and dangerous, as their grandfather is rowed away to the pirate armada. A parrot flies overhead. _

_Cotton's parrot: _Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Squawk!

_Teague: _Ye know, Tom, I feel a tad sorry fer them.

_Honest Tom: _Shall we retrieve them pups, sir? They are kiddies after all.

_Teague: _I was referrin' to the marines and Cutthroat Beckett, ye dolt. They be at a disadvantage… Now over to the pups.

* * *

><p><em>Patience has secured a perch up the mast. <em>

_Patience:_ Merci, Grandpapa. Weather report! A stiff breeze coming… Nope, upgrade that to a Category 3, wait Category 5… Yikes! _(hanging on for dear life) _Folks, it is a bleeding monster typhoon we're looking at! Sane captains head for port! If ye be a pirate, juz ignore my warning! White water here - a whirlpool! We have a maelstrom… Eh? Is that Old Nemo's Nautilus bobbing about in there? Jean, do you have a visual?

_Jean Baptiste: (from the gun-deck): _No time fer a visual, sis! The _Dutchman_ is on our starboard or is that portside? We're ramming her! Hang on! Argh! _(gets run over by a loose cannon thanks to Pintel and Ragetti arguing and not paying attention to it) _

_Patience: _Jean? Uncle Hector! Have ye seen my brother?

_Hector: (calling out from under a pile of kiddies and their baseball bats)_ Hey! Call 'em off! We're on the same side!

_Patience: _Faith! Prudence! Let Uncle Hector go! _(climbs down and starts pulling children off a beleaguered Hector)_

_Faith: _But he crash ship with stinky ship. That's bad, no? _(tries to run off with Hector's hat)_

_Hector: _Hey! Gimme back me hat! _(snatches hat back from wayward Faith and crams it on his head) _

_He shakes the last of the children off and grabs hold of the helm. The Dutchman and Black Pearl are tangled together in the middle of the maelstrom, close quarter combat going on. _

_Ragetti: _Me wooden eye… Anyone saw me eye? _(crawling on all fours) _

_Hector:_ Blast from the past, Rags. We burned it fifteen minutes ago. Now git fighting! _(kicks Ragetti in the rear and sends him crashing into Pintel)_

_Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner: _Captain! We want to be wed! Would you care to do the honour?

_Hector:_ Now?

_Patience:_ Would you like the Caribbean Romance package or the traditional Gundeck at Sunset? _(goes into Wedding Planner mode)_

_Hector:_ Lass, just give em the Three Minute Shotgun lest we find ourselves sharing their honeymoon on the _Flying Dutchman._

_Davy Jones: _Beckett! We need back-up here! _(sees the Endeavour bobbing way, way, __way __back) _Ye wuss! If ye want something done right, do it yerself!

_Meanwhile, Captain Barbossa marries Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann._

_Temperance: _Tea-time! _(wheels in a tea trolley) _

_Willy Raven's children, with exception of Jean Baptiste, gather for tea and biscuits on the quarter-deck, in the midst of the maelstrom and fighting. Jack Sparrow sneaks past. _

_Patience: _Tea and biscuit, Uncle Jack? _(sipping from teacup) _

_Jack Sparrow: _Ye stopping fer tea now?

_Patience: _Problemo? _(puts down her dainty teacup to shoot an attacker from the Dutchman between the eyes with her pistol) _

_Jack Sparrow: _Anyone seen that bleeding Dead Man's Chest?

_All the children point in the direction of the chest and heart. _

_Jack Sparrow: _Gracias…

_Will Turner gets mortally wounded by Davy Jones. Elizabeth Swann goes into near-hysterics over a dying Will. One of Willy Raven's girls hastens over. _

_Mercy: (in undertaker's garb) _Ma'am, condolences… May we recommend the Sail and Shot package… Whoa! _(gets grabbed and tossed out of the way and back onto the Pearl by her Uncle Jack)_

_Jack Sparrow: _Outta me way, pup! Anyone seen that damned chest?

* * *

><p><em>Back in the pirate armanda, Teague is on Mistress Ching's ship. <em>

_Teague:_ The little blighters knock off fer tea? Well I never! Wilhelmina! What have ye been teaching them? Nothing good can come out of this tea-drinking business… _(takes a sip of the mug he is holding)_ Mmm, tasty. What's this stuff?

_Mistress Ching:_ Sour plum tea. _(gets brew spewed into her face as Captain Teague spits it out) _The wine is in the other jug, ye uncouth scoundrel!

_Teague:_ Thank you, ma'am. Tom! Do ye remember where in the damned armanda we moored the _Misty Lady_? _(waves cutlass at his first mate) _

_Honest Tom: _I thought it was here by Mistress Ching's junk… Really did… _(dodges cutlass swing)_

_Mistress Ching: _If you are seeking your ship, Code Keeper… Methinks it was moored with Captaine Chevalle's.

_Teague:_ Thank you for yer hospitality. Say, where's me dog? I could've swore he was here a moment ago.

_Mistress Ching's cook:_ Most respected lady, the dog stew is ready… _(kowtows before Mistress Ching)_

_Teague: _Wait, dog stew? Ye killed me doggy! _(whips out pistol and shoots the hapless cook) _

_Somewhere in the pirate fleet, a very happy dog is enjoying himself in the company of Captaine Chevalle's pet poodle Marie Celeste._

* * *

><p><em>Patience:<em> Sorry for the delay, Gramps! We needed to haul Jean Baptiste from under a cannon.

_Jean Baptiste:_ My leg! Momma, don't let them take me leg off!

_Willy Raven: (takes one look at her son's mangled leg)_ Mister Sawbones! Take off his leg! Patience, Prudence, get back to the broadcast!

_A screaming Jean Baptiste is carried off to the surgeon's table. _

_Prudence:_ Uncle Jack's stabbed- no, he's helped the Turner chap stab Davy Jones' heart. In yer face, Jonesy! Cut loose! The damned_ Dutchman's_ going under! Everyone still alive back on board the _Black Pearl_! Davy Jones is fish-food for sure…

_Patience:_ Aye, sis. The whirlpool's calm now… Guess Madame Calypso's pleased now with Davy Jones falling into the drink. A most astounding turn of events. Wait, does that mean that the _Dutchman _captain job goes to Uncle Jack or that Turner chap?

_Prudence:_ We'll soon find out. Thar she blows!

_Water and foam wash over the girls as the rejuvenated Flying Dutchman emerges from the depths. A crazed-looking Captain Ahab bursts out from below decks. _

_Captain Ahab:_ Where? Where's the White Whale? _(falls over the side thanks to Prudence whacking him in the head with his own harpoon) _

_Prudence: _Apologies for the interruption. My, my… The new captain of the _Flying Dutchman_ is William Turner! Now, that evens things a bit. And here comes His Lordship's vessel.

_Patience:_ With the Black Pearl's superior speed and the Flying Dutchman's firepower… We have a killer tag-team! Let em rip, Captain Hector!

_Jack Sparrow:_ Hey, I'm still the captain of this ship! Sis! Say summat in me favour.

_Willy Raven:_ Sorry, brother. Busy sawing off someone's head.

_Jack Sparrow:_ Hey, that's one of me crew… Whatever fer?

_Willy Raven:_ The imbecile took the wrong leg off my boy.

_Jack Sparrow:_ If old Sawbones' here, who's fixing up me nephew's leg?

_Willy Raven:_ My little girl Mercy Nightingale. I named her for a nurse I once met in Crimea, so she'd know what to do.

_A bleeding and screaming Jean Baptiste scrambles onto deck using his elbows and hands. He is closely pursued by his sister, Mercy, who is holding a nasty-looking axe. _

_Mercy:_ Hold still, brother dear. Or I might just miss! _(swings axe about) _

_Jack Sparrow:_ Any advice column on today's broadcast for this, da? Never mind…

_The Black Pearl and Flying Dutchman get on either side of the Endeavour and let loose a barrage. The Pirates of Penzance start a rendition of 'Taps' by cannon and musket fire from the Pearl._

* * *

><p><em>In the pirate armada, Captain Teague and Honest Tom are back on the Misty Lady when the phone rings. <em>

_Lt Groves: _Naval hotline please. We're getting all blown outta the water and His Lordship ain't giving no orders! What protocol should we follow?

_Teague:_ The protocol of saving yer bloody asses. Order a retreat, man.

_Lt Groves:_ Retreat! Retreat! _(looks around at condition of the ship he is on)_ Oh heck – abandon ship!

* * *

><p><em>On the Black Pearl. <em>

_Jack Sparrow:_ They're running fer it! We won! Hurray!

_Cheers all round from the pirates as naval armada flees. Elizabeth Swann approaches Patience and her mom. _

_Elizabeth Swann: _Excuse me, but could you help us rig a one-night honeymoon ashore?

_Willy Raven:_ Definitely. I know a few really cosy sea caves nearby for privacy… I suppose Jacques and I can spare you one…

**Author's Notes:**

That covers the maelstrom battle. Nothing could keep Willy Raven's brood from their afternoon tea and biscuits, not even a full-blown sea battle. Cameo appearance by Captain Ahab of Moby Dick.

More misunderstandings between the Code-keeper and the Pirate Lords. And Teague's dog does get around a fair bit. Poor Jean Baptiste is going to be maimed or killed by his little sister.


	26. Broadcast 26

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

A brief interlude before the OST arc. The aftermath of the party and other little complications. A bit too early for the puppies joke. The pirates taking a trip to London?

**Broadcast 26**

_On the Misty Lady. Captain Teague is working on a ship in a bottle as his wife's head watches on from the mainmast where they have it tied to a hook. _

_Teague: _Easy does it… Steady now… _(manoeuvring miniature sails and rigging with tools) _

_Jean Baptiste: (up in the crow's nest) _Grandpapa! I need to go bad! Help get me down!

_Honest Tom: (peering up)_ How the heck did our legless patient git up there?

_Jean Baptiste: _Had mama hoist me up with a pulley-chair, but now I'm stuck!

_Teague: _Ye quit yer whining and wait, laddie… till I'm done here with…

_Jean Baptiste: _No I can't! Grandpa! I ain't kidding!

_A stream of golden liquid sprays on Teague from up on high. _

_Jean Baptiste:_ Sorry, grandpa…

_Teague: (wiping his face)_ Tom, have Peter and Paul Blackbird get Jean down… He can do the broadcast with ye while I get rid of this eau de pee on me clothes. Here's the news… _(leaves for cabin)_

_Jean Baptiste: _Wait, I'm on air? Is this live? Patience, can you get me a new pair of breeches please? Merci, sis. _(pulls on clean pair of pants over his stumps) _Greetings all scallywags. I trust we are still a-reeling from all that heavy partying after the big battle. Did everyone catch how Uncle Jack's ship and the _Dutchman_ blew that naval tub to kingdom come? Jolly good show! On with the report on partying casualties of the night after. One – Ammand the Corsair's seven sisters have officially eloped in the midst of the partying. The ladies request that their overprotective big brother leave them and their beaus be. Ammand has been seen leading a fleet in the direction of the Red Sea. You have been warned, ladies. Second – a scuffle broke out between Chevalle and Villanueva's men resulting in twenty dead and eighty wounded. Three – Sri Sumbhajee has perished after falling into a barrel of Malmsey wine and having the lid hammered back on him. His grandson will succeed as the Lord of the Indian Oc-

_Honest Tom: (at the wireless set)_ Hold yer horses, laddie. Update here. Our Indian great-grandpa survived the incident having taken some serious yoga breathing lessons from some fakir in his youth. His mutinous grandson has been dealt with accordingly by taking the leading role in that old Indian rope trick where someone gets chopped up and crammed into a wicker basket. Other minor incidents. Senora Villanueva was found in the same hammock as Gentleman Jocard and blames the free-flow rum for the incident. Her husband is not convinced and has arranged a duel with the Gentleman. Mistress Ching requests that whoever picked up her fancy tankard return it to her. It has great sentimental value being fashioned from the skull of her departed hubby. It has distinctive Oriental dragon designs on it.

_Jean Baptiste:_ It has been two weeks since the party but in case anyone missed the announcements on account of being too drunk… The Pirate King, oops, I mean, Queen, has announced her retirement both from her posts as Queen, Pirate Lord and pirate to take a breather after a few years of high adventure. The South China Sea post is now held by some Tai Huang chap who used to be Sao Feng's second in command. At least he has the experience to command a reasonable fleet and run the most happening island in the region. On the old Tortuga front, news has it that Uncle Jack Sparrow has lost his ship again. And to old Hector Barbossa, too. Oh, Uncle Jack… you're embarrassing us!

_Jack Sparrow: (calling in)_ Hey, it isn't my fault Mister Gibbs here took a nap when he oughta be keeping an eye on the_ Pearl_ while I refresh my friendship with some wenches…

_Teague:_ _(back from his cabin) _Jackie boy, ye always be one fer excuses. Git in a rowboat and join us in olde London.

_Jack Sparrow: _Finally reached a decision on burying ma?

_Teague: _Nay, yer ma always wanted to see London. _(dripping sarcasm)_ Of course, we'll be lying her to rest in the Teague family plot…

_Willy Raven:_ Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but they dug up the old plot for a mall. When's the last time you were in London? The coronation of Queen Elizabeth, as in Elizabeth I?

_Teague:_ Very well, we bury yer ma in the mall! I was in London last when that Queen Anne was on the throne. A most charming lady, gorgeous really… _(gets whacked on the head by Jenny falling off her hook)_

_Willy Raven:_ Methinks ma is a tad jealous. Better plan a stopover in Marseilles to meet with Jacques' family…

_Teague:_ Suit yerself. Tom, where's the weather report?

_Jean Baptiste:_ I've got the weather report here, grandpapa. Oh dear, calm seas and little wind in the tropics. We might be taking a while getting up to Gibraltar. In the Red Sea, we have a weird parting of the waters event caused by some folks looking for the Promised Land. Good luck I say. Bad luck for Ammand as his fleet was stuck on a sand bar thanks to the unusual tides resulting from the parting of the Red Sea.

_Willy Raven:_ Has anyone seen Baby Freedom? And Liberty? Where's Faith? I've finished putting lace on their dresses…

_Teague:_ Didn't ye count heads before we left?

_Willy Raven: (counts heads)_ Oh crap! Turn round for the Cove, papa! I think I'm short.

_Teague: _Willy lass, do ye even know how many pups ye whelped? Jacques! Where's that Frenchman? He oughta be watching out fer yer tots! I'll have the skin off his back! Tom! You handle the call-in…

_Jacques: (calling in) _Help. I think my new wife has abandoned me on a beached galleon in Shipwreck Cove with five of her children. Their names are Faith, Hope, Charity, Liberty and the little enfant terrible is Freedom. I'm willing to babysit till she gets back but two weeks is a bit too long… Mrs Turner was helping me with the children but she needed to leave to set up an inn. I don't think I can cope alone… Aieee! Charity! You don't use your sister for shark bait!

_Honest Tom:_ Hang on. We just realized we're short. We'll be swinging by in a month or so if the tides allow. Keep alive and sane till then.

_Teague:_ You have my permission to tie the pack of rascals to a mast.

_Will Turner:_ Hello? I am missing my wife and it's only been two weeks! How can I get through the next ten years at sea?

_Teague:_ Absence makes the heart grow fonder, whelp. Take it from an old sea dog like moi. If I had me wife and both me kiddies on the same ship 24-7, I believe I will the one walking the plank, if not shooting them. Chin up, man. If the loneliness gets too much, there's always the possibility of hooking up with a mermaid…

_Honest Tom:_ Letters, phone, email, skype. Man, there are many ways to keep in touch. I'm sure there is someone close by you can rely on.

_Will Turner:_ You're right. I still have my dad… Men, let's get to work ferrying these poor souls over to Fiddler's Green _(hoorays from crew of the Dutchman)_

_Teague: _That's one trusting whelp. Hope his lady is more faithful than Calypso. Never do to have another Squidface running about.

_Lizzie Turner:_ Help, I'm hitting a bit of a hiccup here. Career prospects for disgraced young ladies are almost non-existent here in Port Royal. I could scrimp and save and borrow some money from friends to start an inn but I doubt I have any society friends left after running around with pirates. Is there any way I can make a living?

_Teague:_ Let's see, assuming ye be young and pretty wench. Yes. There is a tavern at Tortuga called the _Faithful Bride_ which always needs some help. Loads of sailors would appreciate having some sweet young thing warming their beds…

_Lizzie Turner:_ WHAT? Aren't there any proper jobs about besides that pox-ridden dump?

_Anamaria: (calling in)_ Excuse me, but perhaps I may be of assistance to the young woman, if she has experience and ties with society folk. I just came into some money thanks to Cousin Jamie being lost at sea. I need someone to be my investment partner in running a inn on Port Royal. I need a license as those fools at Fort Charles will not give me one thanks to me having some record for assaulting them previously with a musket.

_Lizzie Turner:_ Deal! Let's talk further. Are you in Port Royal?

_Anamaria:_ Yup. The Fisherman Shack?

_Lizzie Turner: _Three o'clock over a cuppa tea or a tankard…

_Teague: _A reminder – our sponsors at the _Faithful Bride_ are still hiring pretty wenches! Ladies please sign up! The current wenches are starting to look a wee bit jaded.

_Hector:_ I've been double-crossed by that lying scoundrel Jack Sparrow! He stole my charts for the Fountain of Youth.

_Teague:_ Fair's fair, Hector. Ye did steal his ship.

_Angelica:_ Hello? I have an itsy-bitsy problem. There's this pirate-man I am soft on but he really is a cocky chap with no sense of grooming. He stinks like a rotten fish but I am crazy over him after all this time… I hear he is back on a ship called the _Black Pearl_. Is there any way I can arrange to bump into him?

_Teague:_ Try using his identity to do summat silly and he will pop up near ye to defend his reputation. I know that is what Jack Sparrow will do… Oh, and an update in case ye missed the first part of the broadcast. Jack Sparrow is no longer on his ship.

_Angelica: _Gracias!

_Teague:_ That be all, pirates. Now Jean Baptiste will recite the poem the _Ancient Mariner_ while I finish my ship in a bottle. This year, I'm bringing in the prize for best ship in a bottle. Eat yer heart out, Blackbeard Teach!

_Jean Baptiste:_ What? That is like hundreds of words!

_Teague:_ Just read the first part up to the albatross-shooting. Tom, chart a course back to Shipwreck Cove to pick up the pups, and that French chap.

**Author's Notes:**

Puppy jokes and Lizzie's pregnancy in later broadcasts. It is a bit too soon to tell. Jean Baptiste is a feisty lad. Isn't it lucky we don't have Teague shrinking ships for his bottles like Blackbeard?


	27. Broadcast 27

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Having a slow gag run recently, hence the delay. Apologies for the wait.

**Broadcast 27**

_On the Misty Lady. There is a minor disagreement between Captain Teague and navigator-in-training, Jean Baptiste. _

_Jean Baptiste: _But grandpapa! We can nip over to the Mediterranean from the Red Sea like so…

_Teague:_ Jean, we hav thirty miles of desert between us and the Med. And what's this planned route through Panama? Are ye suggestin' we lug this old gal thru some serious jungle or across the sands portage-ish? Ye make a poor navigator the way ye're measuring up. Perhaps someday some coot will dig a canal to the Med, but not in our lifetimes.

_Jean Baptiste:_ But I hate going round the Cape. Always run into storms there, gramps…

_Teague:_ Ha! Nothing like a good ol'-fashioned storm to set de blood racing. Bad weather is good fer ye, laddie… Look 'ere, we're gonna round the Cape and go up to the Canary Islands for a rest-stop.

_Jean Baptiste:_ Gramps, when can I get my wooden legs?

_Teague:_ Past Gibraltar and into Marseilles… Old Poulter is a dab hand at fashioning peg-legs and such… Oh, look at the time. Must do the broadcast for the dough to git 'em legs fer ye. Or we can juz settle fer pillaging the next merchantman we sail across… Any ships in sight, Tom?

_Honest Tom:_ No, Capt'n! _(from the crow's nest)_

_Teague:_ Fine, let's get with the programme den. Ahoy all ye pox-ridden sons of whores. First, the shipping news. No traffic off the Madagascar coast. Trust me on this. We're looking at it. Increase in traffic off New England thanks to emigration from the Old Country. No profit in there to be had though. Rich pickings in the waters off Ceylon and the Far East. Trade is picking up again in the Caribbean thanks to the ETIC and naval patrols dropping off after Lord Beckett met his end. I say we give 'em a week or so before we pillage them slavers… so as they can get their gold first before we git round to the old business of keelhaulin'.

_Honest Tom:_ Weather report, Captain. Calm off the Ivory Coast but nasty storms round the Cape… Oilskins and batten the hatches type of weather I says.

_Willy Raven climbs out onto the deck with the Prison Dog. Teague's eyes nearly pop out when he sees what his daughter has done to the dog. The dog is clean. His fur is neatly combed. The dog is clad in a set of dog-sized pirate garments, complete with a small pirate hat._

_Willy Raven:_ Papa, I just gave Poochie a bath and primping… I got rid of them fleas too.

_Teague:_ What hav ye done to me poor dog? Argh! He looks fit for Crufts' Best of Show! And he smells as fresh as a spring day! Lass, ye ruined him!

_Teague grabs dog and runs down into the bilges to get his dog back to normal. _

_Willy Raven: _Jean? Guess we have to cover for your grandpapa if we want those legs… First a word from our sponsors. One-Leg Poulter's wooden prosthetics, we do eyes, limbs and other bodily bits. Also our sponsor, the _Faithful Bride_ of Tortuga – drinking, wenching and brawling to your hearts' content.

_Jean Baptiste:_ We announce the opening of the _Admiral James Inn and Tavern_ in Port Royal. Conveniently located near the port and Fort Charles. Clean rooms, good food and pleasant ambiance. Smuggling and rum-running negotiable at the bar. Special rates for navy men and privateers on the sailor's pie set meal. Just don't brawl or they'll drop you in the harbour to cool off. They have a strict no brawling policy, which really ruins the appeal for me…

_Willy Raven:_ Losing both legs not enough for you, son?

_Patience: (pops up from below decks)_ Great news, I've landed a possible gig at the _Admiral James _for the _Pirates of Penzance_. Mama, should we accept? Here's the contract…

_Willy Raven:_ Accept it. Their terms are better than the_ Bride_. Oh, we have a news report coming in via Albatross Post, yet another sponsor. _(lets albatross land on her hand and takes the message from its leg)_ Albatross Post – the choice of all mariners and their families for staying in touch. _(nonchalantly wrings the poor bird's neck and drops it into cooking pot) _Ah, we have reports of ships going missing in the region of Bermuda. Wow, that sounds like some creepy mumbo-jumbo. Hope it is not the return of Davy Jones or sea monsters…

_Patience: _Mama, is it time for the call-in?

_Willy Raven: _Right you are, Patience. You folks heard her. So call in, _mon ami_. Jacques will also be helping… You're not busy ogling some naughty pictures, are you?

_Jacques:_ Er? _(looks up from his naughty novel) _No, _mon cherie_… _(swops his book with Honest Tom's bible just as Willy strolls over for a look-see)_

_Honest Tom climbs down from the crow's nest to change shifts with his shipmate. He picks up Jacques' discarded book just as Tamara the mermaid pops up on deck. She catches a glimpse of the naughty book Tom is reading and all hell breaks loose. SLAP!_

_Tamara:_ Tom! You promised me no more of that trash!

Honest Tom: Dearest, I can explain… Oh, look at those boobs!

_A pin-up of a very well-endowed Pamela Anderson in a bikini drops out of book. A fuming Tamara slaps her husband again and storms off-deck. _

_Hector: (calling in) _I suspect I have some ex-navy chaps on board. How do I know if they are serious pirates or spies?

_Jacques:_ Just give them the benefit of the doubt. All naval chaps secretly yearn to be pirates. You can take my word as a double-crossing naval ex-officer on that.

_Mullroy:_ Help! We're under attack by our own ship! Argh!

_Willy Raven:_ Have you been drinking bad rum?

_Jacques:_ Man, a poor craftsman blames his tools. A poor sailor blames his ship. You clearly need to return to maritime academy.

_Mullroy:_ I'm not jesting! De rigging's gone crazy like live snakes! Ack! _(gets choked by ropes of voodoo-ed ship) _

_Willy Raven: _Call in when you're sober. Next call!

_Tamara: (in tears)_ My hubby is ogling blond bimbos behind my back! Argh! I should have listened to my sisters not to marry a pirate! What should I do?

_Willy Raven:_ Let's see. You can shoot him in the foot… Or you can just go home to your sisters for support and file for divorce…

_Tamara storms back on deck with a protesting Honest Tom in tow. She strips off her dress before everyone and jumps into the sea. Jacques ogles her without restraint until Willy Raven shoots him in the foot. _

_Jacques:_ Aiieee! What was that for? It's not every day one sees a mermaid in the nude.

_Willy Raven:_ Need you ask?

_Jacques limps below screaming for a doctor. _

_Hector:_ Captain Teague in? I wish to report a blatant violation of the Pirate Code by one Captain Blackbeard! He's cast some weird voodoo on my ship and I'm tied up by the leg to my rigging. He seems to be preparing some ship-in-a-bottle rig. I'm not too keen spending my eternity in a fishbowl. Any ideas?

_Jean Baptiste:_ Lose the leg! You still got one more.

_Hector:_ Straight from the mouth of pups. This is going to sting a little- _(amputates his own leg) _

_Teague emerges from the bilges with his dog looking like his old self. _

_Teague: _Any news on those weird disappearances in the Bermuda area?

_Willy Raven:_ No, papa. Perhaps little green men got them.

_James Norrington:_ Help! My cousin is going to ruin my good name running a rum-running racket out of an inn named after me!

_Willy Raven:_ Wait, aren't you dead?

_James Norrington:_ I'm on the _Flying Dutchman_ and William is kind enough to let me make a phone call. I don't want my name to be associated with shady dealings. Could you please advise me how to dissuade my cousin? William will not allow me back on land or water to haunt her.

_Willy Raven_: Man, you're overreacting. It's just some smuggling, rum-running and maybe a couple of fisticuffs in the yard between some naval blokes. It could have been worse. She could have gone into business with some chaps supplying children to perverted gentry or summat. Going into business with Mrs Turner can't be that bad…

_Weatherby Swann:_ Help, my daughter has been abandoned by her no-good husband and left to eke out a living on her own.

_William Turner:_ It wasn't by choice! I'll make it up to her in 10 years' time!

_Teague:_ Gentlemen, based on me brief acquaintance with Mrs Turner, she can fend for herself and any children she might have in the following decade. So ye have no worries there…

_Weatherby Swann:_ Wait, are you suggesting my daughter will be a single mom? Oh the disgrace! My grandchildren will be born out of wedlock!

_Will Turner:_ Hey, we did get married on the _Black Pearl_ before Davy Jones stabbed me!

_Weatherby Swann:_ But my late wife always wanted our Elizabeth to have a church wedding…

_Lizzie Turner: (calling in on 2nd line)_ Papa, Will, James… quit it already! I can take care of myself _(offside to Anamaria) _We have a brawl at Table 5, could you please sort them out… _(ominous gunshot and splash)_ Thank you. Now if you'd excuse me, I've got to negotiate some deliveries with a gang of smugglers… Ana? Do we still have the black powder and pistol balls? Must be ready in case things get hairy.

_Weatherby Swann:_ My little girl's all grown-up _(sob)_

_Hector: (calling in for the 3__rd__ time)_ Mate, I took yer advice and hacked off me leg. But now I'm bleedin' in the water like a stuck pig and there's this ominous Jaws theme playing. I think I see some fins closing in…

_Teague:_ Oh, heard of Jonah and the big fish? Perhaps ye be swallowed whole and spat out ashore. I hope ye're religious like. Start praying.

_Honest Tom: _My wife has left me!

_Teague: _Oh, she'd be back. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right, luvvie? _(fishes out his wife's head and kisses her)_

_Willy Raven: _As much as we are having fun, listeners, we must be signing off. To round up the programme, we have a symphonic performance by the Pirates of Penzance of the Jaws theme song, followed by _Nearer God to Thee. _

**Author's Notes: **

Some references to the Panama and Suez canals.

Poor Tom is in the doghouse where Tamara is concerned. Lizzie is doing very well in her business venture with Anamaria. Unlikely Hector Barbossa will end up as shark bait. We need him for OST.


	28. Broadcast 28

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

**Broadcast 28**

_The pirates are standing before a grand but ruined cathedral façade. Willy Raven is in a traditional white wedding gown while her husband is in his full naval regalia. The children are dressed as page-boys and flower girls. Even the Prison Dog is in a tuxedo. Only Teague is dressed in his usual pirate get-up with Jenny Wren's head on his belt. _

_Teague: (scowls)_ I don't see why you have to have a wedding photo the smoking ruins of a cathedral…

_Willy Raven:_ Papa! It's all the rage now. And the cathedral was still intact yesterday…

_Teague:_ That was before Ammand and his Turks visited. You know how they enjoy a good pillagin'. Oh, like the buntings… _(points at the flower garlanded Turkish pirate corpses strategically strung up from the smashed cathedral windows)_ Whose handiwork issit?

_Patience:_ Moi, grandpapa. Now could you please move so we can start the photo shoot? Merci…

_Teague steps aside so Patience and her sisters can snap photos of their mom and stepdad._

_Teague: _Good afternoon, mateys. Normally I would start with the news but somehow the news didn't come in, thanks to our Turkish friend sinking the ship our reporter was on. So today's programme is all dedication… Let them calls roll in, luvvies… Perhaps I should start wi' that old ballad, _I Love Jenny of the Raven Hair…_ dedicated to me dear wifey… _(kisses his wife's head)_ Hit it, crew.

_Pirates of Penzance start a number on the requested ballad. _

_Captaine Chevalle: (calling in) _Teague! Your mangy mutt got my Marie Celeste with pup!

_Teague:_ Whassat? My Jackie boy knocked up your daughter? I didn't know ye have one! Does that mean we have to crack out the champagne like?

_Captaine Chevalle:_ I meant that dog of yours and Marie Celeste is my poodle… Now I have six yapping puppies on board, care to take them off my hands?

_Grandchildren mob Teague at the mention of puppies, chanting 'We want puppies'. _

_Teague: (batting off eager children) _Sure! Send the mutts over at earliest convenience! _(whoops of joy from the children) _

_Captaine Chevalle: _I would also like to dedicate a song to my kid sister – _Lucretia Borgia_ by the _Pirates of Penzance. _You know that song about the murderous hussy inn-keeper? Oh, I would also like to warn all pirates to keep away from my sister's place _La Petit Rouge_ in Marseilles. At least until her new naval officer hubby meets with a fatal mishap.

_Band plays the requested song. _

_Mistress Ching: _Teague! Your dog got my Pekinese Princess Peony with pup! I demand you take these mongrels off my hands lest I feel inspired to cook them.

_Teague: (glares at Prison Dog)_ Ye really git around, do ye… Has anyone seen Honest Tom?

_Honest Tom:_ _(calling in) _Captain, help! I got too soused last nite. Now I'm in a prison cell and they're gonna press me into the navy… Oh, can I dedicate a song – _God have Mercy on old Tom_ to meself, lest I git flogged to death in the galleys?

_Teague: _At least they ain't hanging ye fer a pirate yet. Pick the lock and walk out, mate. Ye're the one with them skeleton keys… Play him _Tommy's a Fool_ instead.

_Chevalle's sister:_ I'm so not amused by my brother Francis smearing the name of my humble inn in Marseilles. I want to dedicate a song – _Let's Shoot Brother Francis_ to him. Something I can listen to whilst I grind my axe…

_Teague:_ Ye hear the madame.

_Band plays their songs. A very beleaguered Honest Tom stumbles up the cathedral steps and hands the news sheets to Teague. _

_Teague: _Ho! We have the news. Gracias, Tom. _(silences the band with one of his looks) _Gossip from Port Royal has it that the daughter of the late Gurvnor Swann is wi' child and the gentry-folk are suitably outraged and scandalised on account the babe's father was named as a pirate. Folks, you gentry-type need tae seriously loosen yer corsets and cravats. Aye, loosen those corsets, ladies and lose those hoop skirts… Anyhows, if I git meself worked into a lather every time me lassie Willy names the father of her pups as a pirate, I'd be checking in with the _Flying Dutchman_ long ago.

_Willy Raven:_ Papa! Great news, I'm expecting. _(trots over to her father) _

_Jacques:_ If it's a boy, we'll name him Louis-Auguste and if it is a girl, Marie-Antoinette…

_Willy Raven: _No, you wouldn't. Those names sound foppish and unlucky. I'm calling my son Hallelujah and my daughter Hosanna.

_Jacques:_ Don't I get a say in naming my children?

_Willy Raven:_ So sure they are yours? And those names sound so gentry! _(shoves hapless hubby down the cathedral steps, all 1000 of them) _

_Honest Tom: _Three months! That's a record fer Miz Willy's marriages, don't ye say? Should we dedicate a hymn for the passing of that Frenchman's soul? _(peers way, way down the stairs) _

_Teague: _Nay, he's still twitchin'. I think he's a live one. Let's do the call-up and quit here lest some undertaker charges us for old Jacques' carcass.

_Lizzie Turner:_ Help, I'm with child and my baby will not be seeing his father for another nine years at least! How am I to raise a child without his father?

_Willy Raven:_ Madam, I never faced a problem on that account. All my children are reared without their fathers and they are such little angels…

_Will Turner: (calling in)_ Elizabeth! Is this true? Y-you are with child? I'm to be a father?

_Lizzie Turner:_ Yes, Will, my love. If a boy, I was thinking of naming him William.

_Will Turner:_ If a girl, name her Elizabeth. _(to his crew)_ Extra rum rations all round! I'm to be a father!_ (back to Liz) _Lizzie my love… I promise I will make it up to you and our child when I get back from my term for that one night. I want to dedicate a song to my wife and only love, dearest Elizabeth- _If I Never Knew You._

_Willy Raven:_ William and Elizabeth? Jeez! Don't you have any creativity? Play them _A Pirate's Life _instead!

_Philip:_ Hello? I am considering a maritime career but after a run-through on my skill set, I find that I am sorely unsuited for the merchant trade or the navy. I don't have the guts for privateering either… What should I do? I really have a thing for the sea but I seem to be a jinx as far as my shipmates are considered.

_Teague:_ Move to the centre of a desert. Or jump off the pier holding a boulder. We don't want any unlucky jinxes about on the waves.

_Honest Tom: _Ever considered an evangelistic career? Ye get to preach God's Word to savages who would most likely roast ye over an open fire for dinner. But hey, at least ye git to see the world and travel… Even the hardiest sailors want a pastor on hand during a typhoon, to give em the Last Rites before they check in with Lord Neptune.

_Lovesick mermaid: (sob)_ I feel so lonely. Well, I do have my sister mermaids for company but it isn't the same… I wish my prince will come for me… I tried reeling in sailors but they are no prince charmings…

_Teague:_ Lady, we eat nothing but salt pork, drink rum and suffer from varying degrees of scurvy, pox and consumption. What were ye expecting?

_Honest Tom:_ Ma'am. Take it from me that them charming princes aren't all they are cracked out to be. Let's see – His Majesty George II's boy is obese and insane, like his old da. The French princes are dying of the French pox, so they say… and the Italian ones are busy poisoning each other. The ones up north in Scandinavia are about as intelligent as a pickled herring and the one in Russia is said to be downright psychotic. The Greek chap was quite decent, until he was killed by his pet monkey.

_Teague:_ How come ye know so much about them royals? WikiLeaks?

_Honest Tom:_ My distant cousin works in the diplomatic office and we do keep in touch.

_Ammand the Corsair comes running up the cathedral stairs. _

_Ammand:_ Code Keeper! I must insist on the return of the bodies of my shipmates for a decent burial!

_Teague:_ Feel free to take them down. Mayhaps the pups will lend a hand.

_Ammand:_ And I want to complain about what yer dog did to me Turkish Angora cat!

_Teague:_ What? You have cross-bred kittens and pups?

_Ammand:_ No, that mutt took the tail off my Muezzina! The poor kitty!

_Teague:_ Nonsense, my pooch will never hurt a- _(stops in mid-sentence as Prison Dog walks up with a fluffy cat's tail sticking out of the corner of his mouth) _Ammand, apologies… Perhaps we should talk man-to-man. Tom! The broadcast is over!

_Honest Tom:_ Aye, aye, Captain! _(returns to sewing the hapless Jacques into a sailcloth shroud) _

**Author's Notes:**

Some friction in the Pirate Lord circles. The Prison Dog has been a naughty boy. Willy Raven's expecting again? More grandkids for Teague.

If you are wondering on how the cathedral façade looks like, an example will be the ruins of St Paul in Macau. Louis-Auguste and Marie-Antoinette happen to be the names of the king and queen guillotined during the French Revolution.


	29. Broadcast 29

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Mermaids, assassins and summer sales. Hector considers privateering.

**Broadcast 29**

_Port of Marseilles. A glum Jean Baptiste is sitting on a barrel as Teague strolls on deck. _

_Teague: _Ahoy, all ye sea-dogs… Why the long face, Jean?

_Jean Baptiste: _Grandpere… Methinks they messed up my legs… _(yanks a pair of shapely legs in fish-net stockings and high heels from the barrel). _

_Teague: _Good Lord! Poulter has gone senile… Methinks all fellow mariners should be warned-

_Jacques comes running. He has survived the tumble from the last broadcast by some miracle. He has also survived being prematurely stitched into a shroud by Honest Tom and tossed overboard from the Misty Lady. _

_Jacques: _Jean! Monsieur Poulter made a mistake! Those legs were for that pox-ridden old harlot on Rue d' Anne. Here're yours. _(hands his stepson a pair of wooden legs with attached pistol holster, dirk holder and rum flask) _

_Teague: _Hey, those look neat. I'd like-

_Poulter the artificial limb maker calls out from the dock. _

_Poulter: (waving axe) _That can be arranged, Captain T. How about ye pay up fer them legs now! _(gets shot by an irate Teague and falls into harbour, axe and all)_

_Teague: _That's for sending me grandson the wrong legs! Now where were we? Ah, yes, the broadcast. Ahoy. Ye pi-.

_Jacques: _The port master's a-coming this way… with a patrol.

_Teague pauses long enough for the port-master to walk past his ship with the gendarmeries before continuing._

_Teague: _Greetings all mariners. Due to the proximity of representatives of the law, we will not be dispensing any piratical advice today. First the weather report. Sunny and bright in Marseilles, ain't it, my dear wren? _(dangles wife's head over the side for a view of the harbour). _

_A shark leaps up from the harbour and swallows Jenny Wren's head whole, straight out of Captain Teague's hand. _

_Teague: _Ye scoundrel! Gimme me wife back! _(leaps from ship into water to wrestle a shark)_

_Jacques: _Well, I guess that leaves me with the broadcast since Old Tom is seeking solace from that harlot I was speaking of earlier and my dear Wilhelmina is at the Marseilles' Summer Sale… Erm, the stock market report. Prices of whale oil are rising and lighthouse keepers are on strike. Mariners be warned that your local light might just be out to save costs. The rum market is stable but there is a marked fall in profits in the slave trade due to ships going missing in the Bermudas.

_Jean Baptiste: _I want to announce a puppy lightning sale on behalf of my brothers and sisters. Twenty-four puppies are more than we can handle and PETA will nail us if we use them for cannon practice. We'll have holding the sale on the Marseilles' dockside tomorrow at dawn, failing which we will chuck the extras overboard before leaving on morning tide.

_Jacques: _Erm, maybe we should have some music to while the time…

_Jean Baptiste: _No can do. The Pirates of Penzance are at the Summer Sale getting some new garments for their gig at _La Petit Rouge_.

_Jacques: _We'll sing _Feres Jacques _then _(starts singing horribly off-key)_

_Willy Raven: (calling in)_ Sweetheart, don't sing, please. You're scaring the seagulls, and they're pooping over the Outdoor Dockside Markets…

_Jacques: _Sorry, mon cherie… Any ideas on how to fill the time without anything piratical?

_Willy Raven:_ Try a chatline thing or something. Any hot topics? Perhaps we can voice some sailor concerns, like mermaids?

_Jacques: _Excellent idea! We'll be having the call-in to discuss the topic – Mermaids, bane or boon of sailors…

_Sailor 1:_ Well, laddie. They say mermaid's kiss preserve a man from drowning… so as they can tear him apart undersea screaming and kickin'… They likes fresh food, ye see…

_Sailor 2:_ Mermaids can be highly decent females too, mate. And they are easy on the eyes… compared to what they have at _the Faithful Bride_… Oh, keep away from Whitecap Bay. They say them fish-ladies there be nasty.

_Tamara:_ Hi, I wish to voice that contrary to popular belief, we mermaids are very nice folk, unless you utterly piss us off by snuggling up to some tart in the absence of your wife… Tom! I'm so going to kill you, or at least cosy up to some other sailor just to make you jealous.

_Jacques:_ Thank you ma'am… We will convey your message to your husband when he gets back.

_Honest Tom: (calling in)_ I wish to apologize to my Tamara… I was just visiting my mama… Is she still on the line?

_Jacques:_ Apologies, you just missed her.

_A beleaguered Teague climbs back on board with Jenny Wren's head tied round his neck by her hair and dragging a dead shark behind him. _

_Teague:_ What's dis? Mutiny? I did not give you two permission to go on with the broadcast? _(attempts to shoot Jacques with his pistol only to realize the powder is sodden) _Excuse me whilst I get a dry pistol to shot ye wi'. _(pops below decks)_

_Jacques decides discretion is the better part of valour and beats a hasty retreat. _

_Pintel:_ Help, My shipmates and me are stuck in a bottle thanks to the devil Blackbeard… How do we free our ship? And that infernal monkey is driving us crazy! Uh, Hello?

_Jean Baptiste:_ Sorry, grandpa didn't give me permission to reply to yer call. Adieu. _(hangs up) _

_Teague emerges back on deck with a fresh pistol. _

_Teague: _Where's that Frenchie gone tae?

_Jean Baptiste:_ He ran away, gramps.

_Teague:_ Typical. Just typical, like all those other chaps yer ma took up with. Mates, we still have a spot of time left. Since we cannot broadcast our pirate news, please call in to seek advice on non-piratical matters.

_Hopeless Assassin:_ Hello, eh? I have an assignment to bump off this His Majesty chap. How do I go about it?

_Teague:_ Let's see… Blade, poison, pistol… take yer pick. Or ye can settle for a good old hanging….

_Clueless Judge:_ Hi, is it kosher to burn a man at stake for saying the world is round?

_Teague:_ Yes, burn him. If the world is round, why aren't we falling off when we reach the far side of the world?

_Cannibal:_ Hello, how do you remove the hair off the rack of a sailor?

_Teague:_ A good singing will do the trick… You may wish to refer to _The Cannibal's Cookbook_.

_Orphan Kid_: Me da just got beheaded fer summat and we'd like to keep him about. How do we make his head keep?

_Teague:_ Sorry fer yer loss, lad. Perhaps you might like to smoke his head like a salmon…

_Soon-to-be-widow:_ Bon jour, how do you get rid of a husband who has outlived his usefulness? Preferably in a manner somewhat accidental?

_Teague:_ Well, I would refer ye to me lassie Willy fer this. I would use a sword or pistol to rid the world of a waste of space, but it might be a tad messy and noisy. Considered poison? I hear they got this puffer-fish thingy that is tasty but deadly… Or ye can just shove him into the harbour after one too many tankards.

_Hector:_ Uh, greetings, Code-keeper… I am in London short of a leg and low on funds, on top of losing me ship and crew. I'm a few pennies from beggary when I see this recruiting poster for privateers for George II… I would like inquire if there be anything against the Code…

_Teague:_ Pirate Code Article 45 states that privateers should be considered a lower rung of pirate being as they do the scum-work of them bastard royals. Barbossa, are ye serious about tossing away your Pirate Lord prestige to grub fer His overweight Majesty?

_Hector:_ Look, beggars can't be choosers… And I need a ship and men so as to kill that Blackbeard! I will run him through!

_Teague:_ Point taken. Listen. Once ye be done with that revenge stuff, chuck any letters of marque and we will welcome you back to the Cove.

_Hector:_ Will that be with cutlasses drawn or no? Any cannon salute through the gut?

_Teague:_ Nay, Hector. With a tankard of top-rate rum if ye rid us of that scumbag Blackbeard.

_Hector: _Promise upon de pirate code.

_Teague: _I promise on de pirate code.

_Willy Raven and daughters sashay on board with their flouncy new dresses and fancy powdered wigs. They are also carting loads of fancy furniture and paintings. _

_Teague: _Good grief! This ain't Versailles! What's with the hoop skirts and powder-wigs?

_Willy Raven:_ But they were going cheap!

_Teague: _Lass, we're pirates! Since when do we pay?

_Willy Raven:_ We didn't pay. I was taking about the skulls we had to crack! Now, where shall we hang the Reuben?

_Jean Baptiste:_ Uh-uh, here's trouble…

_A troop of gendarmeries approach the strange vessel in their harbour, the Misty Lady. _

_Teague: _Mates, Methinks it is time to hoist anchor and set sail…

**Author's Notes: **

Willy's hubby has made a bolt for it. Hector will be taking up that privateering job, for now.

I can relate to Willy Raven's shopping spree. Been going crazy at the summer sales myself. Then return and think: I bought that?


	30. Broadcast 30

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Dare I say it? Hanging party time! Tasteless references to executions, torture with references to Monty Python's Flying Circus and the Blackadder.

**Broadcast 30**

_A London gallows. Two pirates are being marched up the platform where they are greeted by a smiling hangman. The festive crowd applauds and roars. _

_Teague: _I told ye to keep watch… not bash that London bobby… Now look where we end up…

_Honest Tom: _Sorry, Captain…

_Hangman: _Good morning, ladies and gents. I will be hosting this final broadcast seeing as Misters Teague and Tommy are about to have a good hanging for their piracy…Ah, sirs, a very good morning to you. I am Graves Lynch and I will be your executioner for today. Normally I would like a recommend the hang, draw and quarter special, a real rip-roaring crowd pleaser for sure. _(Roars of approval from the crowd) _Sadly, we will make do with hanging today. _(gets booed and pelted by shoes and rotten eggs from crowd) _Hey, we're English, not the Spanish Inquisition!

_Teague:_ That's Captain Teague to you, mate!

_Honest Tom:_ Well, look on de bright side, capt'n. At least on account of being a civil society, Miz Willy got off pleading belly. So's she and the pups are on a one-way boat trip to Australia.

_Teague: _Aye, methinks they would have commandeered the ship by now.

_Lynch:_ Now, gentlemen, would you like to pay for enough rope to break your necks or go with the standard slow choke collar? _(pulls out noose)_

_Teague:_ Hang on! I thought it was a standard long-drop with a sudden stop!

_Lynch:_ Sorry, shortage of hanging hemp. Or for an extra sixpence, we can have a silken noose. No unsightly rope burns guaranteed. Special going rate for educated pi-rates.

_Teague:_ How bout ye take that sixpence and shove it up yer _(bleep)_. Juz what we need, a hangman who thinks he's a_ (bleeping) _comedian!

_Lynch: _I say, sir! There's no need for such language… There're ladies present, you know… _(points at very eager harpies knitting at the foot of the gallows)_

_Harpy 1: _Hang him!

_Harpy 2: _Saw 'im in twa with de Spanish Donkey!

_Harpy 3: _Quarter them and bury the pieces below the low tide line!

_Teague: _Charmed to make yer acquaintance, madams. _(blows them a kiss)_ Is my wife's head well-cared fer?

_Lynch: _That shrunken head? Her Majesty took a liking to her and appointed her a place in her household, the lucky lass. Drumroll please! _(fits nooses around the condemned men's necks) _

_Honest Tom:_ Dun we git some last words? And a pastor? Wait… I'm a pastor of the Church of the High Seas… Aren't we allowed a last prayer before we meet our Maker?

_Lynch: _Fair enough, you are allowed to pray whilst we provide the audience with a musical interlude. Here's _Always Look on the Bright Side of Life _sung by the _Gallowbirds _band.

_Motley crew of assistants sing. Lynch hears a French-accented voice singing from a bloody basket. _

_Lynch: _I say, what have we here, Gaston?

_Gaston:_ A living head, Mister Lynch. My cousin Henri de Headhunter sent him over from Marseilles. I would say his singing has much improved… _(fishes Jacques' severed but still-living head from basket)_

_Honest Tom: _Lord, Jacques! Where's the rest of ye?

_Jacques: _Mister Tom! Captain T! Glad to see you. I'm afraid my escape plan didn't work out completely… You see, I was planning on getting and running off like a headless chicken after the guillotine blade drops… Alas, my body fell into the harbour at Calais and drowned… Oh, I'm starting to smell, aren't I? And where's Willy?

_Teague: _Honestly, Jacques, ye be embarrassing yer countrymen. Doubt Willy will be too pleased seeing ye without yer bottom bits. Ye aren't much use to her without dem. Someone pickle this imbecile in vinegar please!

_Lynch:_ Friend of yers?

_Honest Tom:_ Ye can put it that way…

_Lynch:_ Play ball! _(kicks the unfortunate Jacque's head into the crowd) _Now let's git down to business… hanging some rats.

_Honest Tom: (shouting after the screaming Jacques)_ Ye know, mate, ye should consider dying proper about now!

_Teague:_ Well, Mister Lynch, I'd have ye know that all dem Pirate Lords will be mighty upset by dis if they be listenin' in. They'll not stand fer this!

* * *

><p><em>In various locations across the world, the Pirate Lords are indeed listening to the final broadcast… but they are not the least concerned in the manner Teague would like them to be. <em>

_In a teahouse in Canton, Mistress Ching, Senor Villanueva and Sri Sumbhajee are playing cards while listening._

_Mistress Ching:_ I bet twenty Spanish dollars Teague breaks his neck.

_Villanueva:_ I say he chokes to death slowly and painfully. Very painfully.

_Sumbhajee:_ I'm with Ching… _(places bet)_ and they'd have his head on a pike on that famous bridge in London.

* * *

><p><em>On Madagascar, Gentleman Jocard is listening in to his radio while engaging in an obscure tribal ritual. <em>

_Gentleman: _Oh, it must be working. Die, Teague, die… _(chants and strings up small effigy of Teague from palm tree)_

* * *

><p><em>In Constantinople, two very beleaguered Pirate Lords are listening in while fending off an attack by the Turks on their fleets with loud cannon booms, flying musket balls and scimitar combat. <em>

_Captaine Chevalle: _Ammand, _mon ami_! I swear this is the last time I accept an invitation to drink at your place.

_Ammand: _Apologies, I didn't know his Blessed Royal Highness Aladeen the Dweeb was sitting in the next booth smoking hashish when I fired my pistol… Was there something on the broadcast on the Codekeeper getting his guitar re-strung?

_Captaine Chevalle: _I thought it was summat about basket-yodelling… _(a cannonball smashes transistor radio to smithereens) Merde! _There goes the radio! Oh, ooh-lah-lah… _(ogles as one of Ammand's pretty daughters runs past in a state of undress and gets promptly shot in the rear by Ammand) _

_Ammand: _Quit ogling my daughter!

* * *

><p><em>Off Portugal, a prison transport ship has been mutinied upon by an expectant mother and her brood. The crew are in the lifeboat singing Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. The mutineers are now listening in on the broadcast.<em>

_Willy Raven: _Oh dear, I do suppose we'd be too late to save them even if we should start for London now.

_Patience: _Where to, mama?

_Willy Raven: _To Tortuga. _(suddenly grabs at her very swollen belly)_ Er, I think I need to lie down… any midwives on board? I need one really quick…

* * *

><p><em>Back in London, Honest Tom and Teague are waiting to be hung. <em>

_Honest Tom:_ Well, Captain… I guess this is it… Ye have been the best captain a pirate's ever known.

_Teague: _Don't ye dare git all sentimental-ish now, Tom… But ye be the best friend a man can hav.

_Lynch:_ A one, a two and- _(drops dead from a pistol ball courtesy of new privateer Hector Barbossa) _

_Hector:_ Sorry, folks… Old habits die hard. Ye want a hanging? _(roars from the crowd)_ Let's string up this tub of lard… _(hangs Lynch's corpse)_ There! Nice and pretty… _(admires his handiwork)_

_Teague: _Many thanks, Hector… Unless ye be here to hang us yourself.

_Hector: (unrolls official-looking scroll with a flourish)_ Hear ye, hear ye! Captain Edmund Teagum and his mate Tom Meekall are hereby pardoned by His Royal Majesty, George II. In the name of His Majesty, free these men!

_Guards untie the pirates. Grumbling spectators drift off to find other amusements. _

_Honest Tom: _Excuse me, Captain… Why would His Majesty grant us a pardon?

_Hector: (in a low voice)_ He didn't, Tommy. He granted these blokes Teagum and Meekall… But hey, let's say I juz make a wrong turn and end up at the hanging of Teague and Tom instead…

_Teague:_ Tom! Let's git outta here before someone catches on…

_Honest Tom:_ Captain, just now… did ye mean what ye said about me being yer best friend?

_Teague:_ Nay, it was the lack of rum talking… Is the _London Rum_ still up and running?

_Hector:_ Aye, but it's a bit suspect. Plague and pox ye know. I'd recommend the _Burke and Hare._ Ye be needing a phone fer the call-in?

_Teague:_ No call-in this time. The broadcast is over and I need a drink!

_Mister Gibbs: (calling in)_ Hello? I've been arrested fer being a-

_Teague hangs up on him. _

_Teague: _Let's go get that drink…

**Author's Notes: **

Always look on the bright side of life. Willy's due and this time, her widowhood is probably confirmed. Willy might catch up with her pa after she's done delivering her latest child.


	31. Broadcast 31

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. Cameo by the crew of the Flying Dutchman and a sea goddess.

**Broadcast 31**

_Teague and Honest Tom step out of a pub, the London Rum. _

_Teague: _This is the last time I take a recommendation from Hector. Would ye believe Messieurs Hare and Burke tried to poison us? Thankfully as pirates we have an inborn resistance to the worst muck ye can stuff in our pies. Then they tried to smother us in our hammocks when that failed? The _London Rum_ is much better, at least the wenches who try tae smother us with their bosoms are pretty- Hark! Is that Jacques? Can't that man die properly? _(hears singing)_

_Honest Tom: (plucks Jacques' severed head from a rain barrel)_ Shall we keep him like some curio? In case Miss Jenny gets lonely…

_Jacques:_ Wait, you're making me share space with my mother-in-law. That's cruel and unusual punishment, even if she's dead for ages like!

_Bootstrap Bill comes along with Jacques' body. The body has a Jack o' Lantern pumpkin on his neck where the head should be._

_Honest Tom:_ Hey, this ain't Sleepy Hollow, Bill… Wait, aren't ye like dead dead?

_Bootstrap Bill:_ Technically, no. I was in limbo thanks to that stupid curse. Look, shipmate, we picked this chap up off Calais. My son can't send Monsieur Jacques' body over the Farthest Gate without his head. Seen it?

_Honest Tom holds out head. _

_Jacques:_ But I'm still alive!

_Teague:_ Not for long… _(takes Jacques' head and drops it into nearby river) _There, he died in water and Captain Turner is welcome to toss his carcass over the falls to the Locker should he so choose! Come on, Tom. We have a broadcast… where's my ship docked?

_Bootstrap Bill:_ Hate to break it to ye, Capt'n Teague. But as I was coming ashore, them navy chaps were scrapping yer ship fer firewood.

_Teague:_ Good Neptune! Me lovely ship!

_Both Teague and Honest Tom run pell-mell to salvage what is left of the Misty Lady._

* * *

><p><em>Off the coast of Ireland… <em>

_Willy Raven: _Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will be hosting this broadcast. First the highlights. Jack Sparrow, pirate extraordinaire has been captured and will be sentenced at Old Bailey. Hanging or hard labour? Place your bets, shipmates! Or will Sparrow pull off some ridiculously suicidal stunt and escape? Oh, wait… This is not Sparrow they caught. It's that sidekick First Mate of his, Mister Gibbs… Never mind the bets… A brief word from our sponsors.

_Pirates of Penzance: (sings) _In old Port Royal Admiral James' the place to be… ye can trust us clean beds and warm meals. Down in the tavern, the wenches are mighty fine. But if ye wake Baby Willie… ye'd wish ye're elsewhere.

_Willy Raven:_ Good Lord, you actually named the pup William? I named my twins Hosanna and Hallelujah. _(proudly displays a pair of mulatto babies, clearly not the blond and fair Jacques' offspring)_ Next update, the old pirate ship _Misty Lady _is being scrapped at London Docks…

_Teague: _Correction on that, Willy lass. Yer Uncle Tom and I managed to stop them from destroying my ship. However, we have, erm, half a ship now… and methinks it will take 2 weeks to patch the damage quickest…

_Willy Raven:_ Well, papa. Half a ship beats no ship. Next highlight. Hector Barbossa has turned privateer. Oh what a disgrace for a Pirate Lord. Well, Uncle Hector, we hope you will ensure that those tubby navy boys are flogged into shape under your command. And we mean flogged bloody. Next, Fountain of Youth found by one Juan de Ponce… wait, this news is 30 years old… _(throws sheet over the side) _How did that get here? His Majesty George II broke a chair sitting on it? The King of Spain is a secret mind-controlling alien? What is this drabble? Jean Baptiste! Where did you get this trash?

_Jean Baptiste:_ Sorry, mama. The weather's too rough for the news gulls to land, so we bought a gossip paper from the dockyard.

_Willy Raven: _Okay, never mind the news. Today we will have a cooking demonstration by Madame Calypso…

_Calypso:_ Merci, gal. Today I cook fish eyeball soup… _(gagging sounds from the children) _It's no so bad! First, we put de eyeballs in de pot…

_Patience:_ Can't we have crab chowder instead? _(claps hands over mouth as Calypso unleashes pagan goddess stare of death on her)_ Oh, I like fish eyeballs, yes… Yum-yum!

_Calypso: _Allow em tae stew and add de salt to taste… Oh, wait. I think I hear a handsome young man in distress. _(scoops up boiling pot of eyeballs, assorted utensils and dumps the lot into her hemp pouch, including the live coals) _Au revoir! _(jumps onto a passing dolphin and rides off) _

_Patience:_ She put live coals in her bag… Cool! I wanna have a hemp bag like Madame Calypso.

_Willy Raven:_ Well, I guess we can get on with the Agony Aunt segment… Do call in, all mariners…

_Will Turner: (calling in)_ Help, I am being harassed by a love-sick mermaid! _(trying to fend off said mermaid) _

_Willy Raven:_ You know, most seamen in your position will be doing the tango with the mermaid by now. Clearly you have not been at sea long enough… Or do you prefer mermen?

_Will Turner: _Madame! I'm married with – _(gets forcibly French-kissed by mermaid)_

_Calypso:_ Heel, gal! Heel!_ (drags mermaid away from Captain Turner) _Ya be interferin' wi' his work!

_Liz Turner: (calling in)_ All you mermaid hussies keep away from my husband, do you hear? If I've gotta stay true to him for 10 years he's asea, I expect the same of him.

_Willy Raven:_ Well said, Madam! Now perhaps you can start casting your hat at some naval admiral or the like.

_Teague: (calling in)_ Good Poseidon! Don't listen to her, Mrs Turner. One Davy Jones is quite enough!

_Master Gibbs:_ Hello? I need a lawyer to defend me… I'm not the pirate Jack Sparrow. I'm innocent!

_Willy Raven:_ You are innocent of being Jack Sparrow but not of piracy, Mister Gibbs. Rest assured we will miss you after your long drop with a sudden stop. Adieu. Wait, who's the new guy? _(notices new crewman)_

_Porthos:_ Enchantez, madame… I'm Porthos, pirate by trade. Any vacancies on board? Perhaps we can get to…

_Willy Raven: (looks Porthos up and down) _Sorry, you're not my type. _(shoves him off ship)_

_Porthos: _Drat! I knew I should have taken my mama's advice and joined the Musketeers!

_Willy's brood: _All for one, and all trash over the side! _(dumps garbage onto hapless ex-pirate Porthos) _

_Jack Sparrow: _Hullo? Can ye loan me some gold to bribe the judge and jury and thus save Gibbs from a sorry end?

_Willy Raven:_ Let me see… N.O. NO. And you still owe me for the last time! Kidnap the judge, kill the jury or break your friend out of jail.

_Jack Sparrow:_ How about if we do a little trade- I sell ye the map to the Fountain of Youth…

_Willy Raven: _Not interested. I'm surrounded by youth. _(children running circles about her, she hangs up)_

_Teague: (calling in)_ Sorry for butting in. But I need to speak wi' Jackie boy pronto! What's this about ye gathering men fer some expedition to de Fountain? Ye leave those things alone do ye hear? Jack!

_Willy Raven:_ Sorry, papa. Brother Jack hung up.

_Blackbeard: (calling in)_ I have a prophecy that a one-legged man is out tae kill me. I have some plans to put me in line for immortality but in the meanwhile, what should I do?

_Willy Raven:_ Suggest you take pre-emptive action and kill any one-legged man.

_Blackbeard:_ Thanks! _(shoots peg-legged sailor next to him) _

_Gillette: _Naval helpline? My name's Philip Gillette and I find myself and my mates serving under a former pirate now privateer! It would not be so bad if he weren't the same Barbossa bloke who shot my cousin Joey and burnt down my house in Port Royal…

_Groves: _Theodore Groves here and I wish to lodge a complaint against privateer captain Barbossa for improper commandeering of a naval vessel's supplies. I swear that pinching a coil of rope to hang someone ashore is not in the protocol!

_Willy Raven: _Ah, the fortunes of maritime life. Uncle Hector, you have potential mutineers on board. Please take note. My, my… look at the time. Time for a cuppa tea. That's all, sailors. Have a lovely day, even though we are expecting a wind storm coming in.

**Author's Notes: **

Willy Raven and her brood get to handle the broadcast. Hector is taking to privateering like a shark to blood. The pirate. Lts Groves and Gillette will find themselves swabbing the decks very soon. Teague and his crew will be delayed in London.


	32. Broadcast 32

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

**Broadcast 32**

_London. _

_Captain Teague, his first mate and daughter are sharing a round of drinks in the London Rum while waiting for the news reports to come in. The older children are in the yard playing at duelling with cutlasses. Willy is nursing one of her new babies while sipping tea. _

_Teague: _Tea? Earl Grey tea wi' a spot of milk? Wilhelmina, you're giving us pirates a bad name. Sure we can't interest ye in some rum or gin and tonic? Or ale even?

_Willy Raven:_ Sorry, papa. Breastfeeding here. Mmm, this tea is nice…

_Patience and Prudence come running into the taproom with bloodied cutlasses. _

_Patience:_ Mama! Grandpapa! Some soldiers are chasing Uncle Jack in the streets!

_Honest Tom: (sticking his head in from through the window)_ Here's the news, Capt'n.

_Teague:_ Willy me lass, cover the broadcast fer me. I'm gonna save Jackie boy's sorry ass from being shot to kingdom come. _(leaves the taproom)_

_Willy Raven: _Well, well… Children! _(mob of children pour into the taproom) _do you wish to help me with broadcast?

_Children:_ YES!

_Willy Raven:_ Very well. Ahoy all mariners, pirates, sea dogs and the like. _(hands the babies to her daughters and takes the news sheets from Honest Tom)_ Here is the news highlights – Infamous pirate Jack Sparrow attempts a rescue of a shipmate whose name is not worth a mention and ends up in prison. However, sources have it that he is now on the run from the good King's soldiers. Children, a spot of music please…

_Pirates of Penzance band does a lovely William Tell overture on some pots and pans from the kitchens. _

_Willy Raven: _Lovely, dears. Now a word from our sponsors – _Madame Defarge's Lace and Trimmings_. Pirate fashionistas ahoy. Sashes, lace, ruffles and skin-tight vests are all in this season. Do stop by at St Martinique for the latest in pirate fashions. Bandannas and beads are so last season. Sorry, Brother Jack. A word from our other sponsor – _Bottles and Pegs. _Sick of your shipmates beating you to the rum because you are hopping about the decks on a broomstick? Never fear. Combine your peg leg with a rum holder and be the envy of the other sea dogs. Drop by at _Bottles and Pegs_ today.

_Honest Tom: _Lighthouse keepers going missing at Whitecap Bay still a mystery after two years. The English naval authorities are still refusing to comment on the disappearance of lighthouse keepers Frank Preston, Francis O'Hare and Franz Greene despite calls by their widows and family. The whole thing smacks of a cover-up. Gossip on the street name possible piracy – wait a mo, we pirates do not harass honest lighthouse keepers! That's bloody slander! Well, other folks claim it is due to mermaids… Hold on, now you're slandering my wifey and her sisters… Wait, that is a high possibility…

_Willy Raven:_ Ship disappearances in the Bermuda region still on-going. Naval authorities have declared the region an unsafe and vile triangle which should be avoided by mariners. What is causing the rash of disappearances? UFOs? Bad weather or voodoo? Your guess is as good as mine. A musical break, please…

_Prudence plays the theme from X-files on some water-filled glasses. _

_Honest Tom: _I'm making a personal appeal here to me wifey – Tamara sweetheart! Please forgive yer hubby… _(gets window shutters slammed in face by Willy's children)_

_Willy Raven: _Uncle Tom, please! We do not do personal appeals on the broadcast. It sets a bad precedence for us professionals. Now, another word from another one of our sponsors. _Dr McQuack's Elixir_ – the cure-all medicine for all ills. Be it smallpox, syphilis, cholera or leprosy. A bottle of our patented arsenic and cyanide formula will ease all your aches forever. Results guaranteed or money back. My, that sounds highly suspect. I have a recipe for bitter almond slice and arsenic tea – once used them to get rid of one of my ex's.

_Patience:_ Mama, the phone's ringing off the hook! Loads of housewives want to have your bitter almond recipe.

_Willy Raven:_ Very well. I normally refrain from sharing family recipes but I will make an exception for my arsenic tea- a spoonful of…

_Tamara: (calling in)_ Willy? Is my husband there? If he's so damned serious about patching things up, he should get his ass over here to Whitecap Bay!

_Willy Raven:_ What's this? This broadcast is not a Lonely Hearts column!

_Jean Baptiste:_ Ahem, lonely 14 year old boy and double amputee seeks female playmate in London. Must not more than twenty, pretty and have a great figure… Bedroom experience preferred. I want to be a man before I leave this town!

_Willy Raven:_ Jean! You're way too young to be posting on any Lonely Hearts! You cheeky monkey!

_Honest Tom: (entering the room)_ How do I git to Whitecap Bay? The _Misty Lady _is still in dry-dock!

_Jean Baptiste:_ Uncle Tom, I hear that they need a cook on a ship heading fer Whitecap Bay, but it is a navy ship…

_Honest Tom:_ Thanks, Jean! I knew that cook licence will come in useful one day. See ye around. _(hugs Jean and kisses Willy on the cheek before leaving) _

_Patience:_ Wait… Did Uncle Tom not get his licence suspended after an epidemic from that kebab joint in Madrid?

_Willy Raven: (shrugs)_ If that navy ship wants Typhoid Tom on board, they're welcome to him. Let's do the call-in since everyone seems to be calling in without invitation now.

_Mister Gibbs:_ My captain Jack Sparrow is a jerk! He says he will help me escape the noose but we end up riding into prison together. Now I hear he has been invited to tea with His Majesty while I have an appointment with Hector the Happy Hangman coming. Help! I hear now he has made a break for it and is fleeing for the nearest ship out!

_Willy Raven:_ Never believe what you hear, Mister Gibbs? Jack Sparrow taking tea with a king? When pigs fly…

_Patience:_ Flying pig! _(ducks as a large sow flies through the window and floors her mom) _Mama? You alright? _(prods her out cold mom) _

_Prudence: _Guess it's up to us to dole out the rest of the advice now…

_Lizzie Turner:_ Hello? I'm calling for some advice over a colicky baby… _(bouncing a howling William III in her arms) _

_Patience:_ Ma'am. My mama would recommend rum in the milk to soothe the tummy… or was it gripe-water? Look, I haven't had any pups of my own and as for babysitting experience, mine is limited to teaching tots to swab the decks whilst crawling… _(grabs little sister Liberty, ties dust-cloths on her hands and knees and drops her onto the floor to clean the floorboards)_ or tying them to the mast and out of the way _(ties little bro Freedom to a pillar) _

_Lt. Gillette: _Hello? Naval helpline? I am looking at a very familiar chap applying for the job of cook on the _Providence_. Methinks he is a pirate…

_Prudence rolls eyes._

_Patience:_ When will they ever learn this is a pirate helpline? Providence! You here? This mister is asking if you would take Mister Gibbs on as a cook!

_Providence:_ Sure would! Pirates make terrific cooks at sea. They can make a meal outta anything ye ketch! _(goes back to roasting old boot over a fire) _Methinks a while longer and this here boot will be fit fer the table, sis.

_Teague: (returning from his outing) _Tom! Git 'ere. TOM! Has anyone seen me first mate? And what's Willy lass doing on de floor?

_Patience: _I'm sorry to report that Uncle Tom has taken passage on a naval ship to git to Whitecap Bay to patch things up with Aunt Tamara.

_Teague:_ What? They'd hang him fer the pirate he is!

_Providence:_ Want a chunk of roast boot?

_Teague:_ I'll pass. Are ye doin' the Agony Aunt call-in? Let em calls roll in.

_Angelica: (calling in)_ Hello, I just spotted my ex-boyfriend heading my way. I should be mad at him, after how he ditched me in Madrid… but Argh! I just can't keep his rascally face outta my mind. Should I shoot him or something?

_Teague:_ Shoot him.

_Angelica:_ Die, Jack Sparrow _(click of pistol being cocked)_

_Teague:_ Wait! Perhaps ye should give him a chance! Hell, I didn't save Jack's sorry butt from a soldier just to have him done in by his old flame!

_Angelica:_ Hey, you're just saying that as his papa…

_Teague:_ No… well, if ye do manage to have some kids together, please don't name them after some virtue. Name them proper names for a pirate…

_Angelica:_ As if I would have children with that scoundrel… _(hangs up)_

_Teague: (shrugs) _That's what they always say…

_Warrant officer: _Naval helpline? I think my captain is practicing some voodoo thingy. He has jars of colourful little frogs in his sea-chest. Think they might be some of those magic mushroom toads?

_Teague:_ What colour are they?

_Warrant officer: _Bright blue with back markings…

_Teague:_ Taste them fer me, chap…

_Warrant officer:_ Sure this is safe?

_Teague:_ Nope. They might be deadly poison arrow frogs. I was juz testin' ye to gauge how smart the navy chaps are now. So, how do they taste?

_Warrant officer:_ Fishsticks _(looks down at frog he just licked, goes into convulsions and dies in agony)_

_Teague:_ Hmph. I thought they'd be smarter… Just as I thought. The average IQ of the navy dropped several notches with Jamie boy dyin'. Did anyone give the weather report? No? Give it before we sign off!

_Patience: _Aye, aye! Weather report in the Channel is moderately choppy seas with a strong northeasternly. Ideal weather for ships heading out to Florida with promising scattered rain showers and a stiff breeze. Hoist the anchor, mates. The fair weather window is expected to last two weeks tops. That is all for today's broadcast, seafarers.

**Author's Notes:**

Typhoid Tom is parody of Typhoid Mary – a case where an asymptotic typhoid carrier caused an epidemic of the disease through her profession as a cook. The navy will find their meals, erm, slightly interesting after hiring Honest Tom as a cook. Poor Wilhelmina Raven will eventually recover.


	33. Broadcast 33

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

The pups take charge of the broadcast. We learn the grisly fate of the missing lighthouse keepers. And some naval abuse.

**Broadcast 33**

_St Bartholomew's Hospital for Mariners. Captain Teague walks with his dog into a ward to check on his daughter, who is in a full body-cast after getting crushed by a flying sow. _

_Willy Raven: _Mmf! Mmf. _(unable to speak thanks to her jaw being wired shut) _

_Teague: _There, there, lassie. Be brave now. Yer old da's here. Left the broadcast with the pups in charge. _(sits down, right on Willy's injured foot)_

_Willy Raven: _Mmf, MMF! MMF!

_Teague: _Nay, the pups can handle it… _(totally unaware he's causing the patient immense pain)_

* * *

><p><em>The New and Improved Pirate Broadcast! Broadcasting from an inn room. <em>

_Jean Baptiste: _Ahoy all! Grandpere kindly put us in charge of the broadcast whilst he visits paurve maman in hospital. So you are tuning into the New and Improved Pirate Broadcast! I am Jean Baptiste Cormorant and my co-host is Patience Snipe. The chorus line is made of our siblings Charity, Faith, Hope, Mercy, Redemption, Providence and Prude.

_Prudence:_ That's Prudence, bro! Not prude.

_Jean Baptiste:_ Sorry, Prudie… Slip of the tongue. _(gets kicked in the seat of his pants and smacked with iron baseball bat by annoyed sister)_

_Patience: _Well, while my co-host learns the names of our chorus line, I will give you all the news. First, shanghai-ing incidents are up with mariners mysteriously vanishing from local taverns in the London area. Our on-the-spot reporter Temperance will bring us the updates.

* * *

><p><em>Outside the Captain's Daughter Tavern<em>

_Temperance:_ Thank you, sis. I am now interviewing tavern-owner Alan Guinness. Tell us, Mister Guinness… What did you see? _(chugs some tea)_ Mm, could use a pot of milk… _(continues drinking) _

_Guinness:_ Well, lassie. Ah'll talk since dem muscle-monkeys aren't here no more. Mess'd me place up nasty… There came this bunch of pirate-ish folks. Big muscle-types, none too smart-ish. And their leader is a wimpy sissy going by the name Jack Sparrow… Could've been a real hottie if he were a real chick… all mincing steps and fluttering lashes.

_Temperance: (spits out tea across the street) _Back to the studio! Uncle Jack is embarrassing us again! Musical interlude!

* * *

><p><em>Patience:<em> Thank you, Tempe… Chorus line please!

_Chorus line sings that Itsy-Bitsy Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini song, complete with Prudence parading in a bikini. _

_Patience:_ Save it, Prudence. We ain't on TV. Tempe… Now, we have a warning for all antique shoppers. Do not be fooled by imitations! Unscrupulous traders have been bringing in imitation silver chalices purporting to be from Juan de Ponce Leon. How would you know a fake? Turn the chalice over and look at the base. If you see the words 'Made in China', yup, you've got a fake. We also regret to inform you that Pirate Lord Mistress Ching has retired from piracy to concentrate on her fake antiques venture after learning how much you powder-wigged noble-types are happy coughing up for them… Do not be fooled!

* * *

><p><em>Captain's cabin on the Providence. Hector is eating apples with Mister Gibbs and listening to the broadcast when Lt. Groves and Lt. Gillette come in with a box. <em>

_Lt. Groves: _Captain Barbossa, sir! We have the silver chalices… bought them in High Street for ten guineas only… They also come in a set of six…

_Hector takes a chalice from the box, turns it over to look at the base, then clubs the hapless Groves and Gillette out cold with it. _

_Hector: _A clear-cut forgery. Made in China! Darn! I never thought I would have to deal with a pair of idiots after Misters Ragetti and Pintel.

_Mister Gibbs:_ Keelhaul 'em?

_Hector:_ Nay, toss 'em in the bilges till they awake. Naval dogs! Take these two lumps of lard out and toss them in the bilges! Now, what was that ye be saying about yer mama's apple pie recipe and how she gits the crust just right? Which reminds me- ye better be sure we're on course… Wait, let's have the cook bake some pie… Cook!

_Honest Tom strolls into the cabin just as marines drag poor Groves and Gillette out. _

_Honest Tom:_ Ye called, capt'n?

_Mister Gibbs and Hector:_ Typhoid Tom? What are ye doin' 'ere?

* * *

><p><em>Patience:<em> Well, now we have an update on the fates of those missing lighthouse keepers, the three Franks. Straight from our source in Whitecap Bay. Over to you, Aunt Tamara. _(starts snacking on a plate of cocktail weenies)_ Mmm, this tastes nice…

_Tamara: (calling in)_ Okay, I have to confess this on behalf of my sisters. About those three men… Well, they had them made into cocktail weenies and ham so they'd keep and couriered them to me for my birthday, not knowing that I've sworn off man-meat while married to Tom. Could you please send their remains to their families? I'm sure there're some left in the hold if your Mama did not use them all for her tea sandwiches. They are in the cans labelled _Prescott's wieners_, _O'Hare Irish ham _or _Greene's cocktail weenies_. Sorry for the subterfuge but since they couldn't send them as long pork…

_Patience turns green in the face and bolts out to be sick in the latrine, along with the entire chorus line. Everyone had Irish ham sandwiches for lunch, well almost._

_Jean Baptiste: _Lucky thing I never liked ham or wieners… I prefer good ol' fish… _(tucks into a tuna pie)_ Since my siblings are tossing up their lunches, I'll be taking over the broadcast for now. For the sake of tradition, we'll have the Agony Aunt call-ins.

_Teague strolls in, having returned from the hospital. _

_Teague:_ Yer mama will live, so dem doctors say… and the leeches better be right or else. How's it goin', Jean?

_Jean Baptiste:_ Grandpere! You're just in time for the Advice Column- Wait, where're you going?

_Teague: (halfway out the door)_ Methinks I hear Honest Tom callin'.

_Honest Tom: (calling in) _Capt'n! I've juz received dem divorce papers via dolphin mail from me wifey! Help! And Captain Barbossa is threatening to keelhaul me for putting half the navy chaps into the sick bay with de typhoid fever.

_Teague: (dripping sarcasm)_ Oh, do I even care if yer wife gives ye the boot? Sure could've picked a better time tae call… Hector! If ye be listenin' in, old Tom can do the job of a dozen of those navy boys any day.

_Jack Sparrow: (calling in)_ Da! I've been shanghai-ed!

_Teague:_ Oh, if ye be in Shanghai, say hi to Mistress Ching fer me, will ye?

_Jack Sparrow: _I'm not in Shanghai! I say I've been shanghai-ed! As in knocked out by a blowpipe, chucked on board a flippin' pirate ship… And methinks I'm on the _Queen Anne's Revenge_…

_Teague:_ Terrific! If ye spy Blackbeard, ye can remind him of all dem unpaid fines he owes the Brethren Court for flouting the Code.

_Jean Baptiste: _Er, Uncle Jack… Is there any truth to that rumour about you mincing about in a tavern recruiting men?

_Jack Sparrow: _An update, my most mistaken nephew – whoever was recruiting crewmates at that shady tavern is definitely NOT me.

_Blackbeard: (calling in)_ Er, me lass sneaked her beau up me ship. Should I discipline her? I mean, she's been too much- going all merciful like on that preacher and now…

_Teague:_ I would suggest ye speak to the young man and show him who's the captain. Ah, young romance…

_Blackbeard:_ If he doesn't listen, I'll voodoo him and zombify him… _(starts work on making a voodoo doll of Jack Sparrow) _

_Phillip: (calling in)_ Help? I've been captured by pirates. Having tried and failed to talk them into sparing the others on my ship or converting any of them. I'm now tied to the mainmast of their pirate ship. The only decent one on board is the first mate and she's Catholic!

_Teague:_ So? Pirates are decent company, better than most nobles and naval types… And what's wrong with being Catholic? My wife was Irish Catholic and so was the rest of her family. Mighty decent folk they be, except for during the Lent fast. Then they are a bit snappish.

_Phillip: _I'm a Protestant missionary and I can't convert anyone on board here, especially not the first mate since she's a staunch Catholic. And her father the captain's a voodoo practitioner.

_Teague: _Wait, a voodoo-practising pirate captain? If his name's Blackbeard, you should consider praying to God, Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox and Jewish, just in case. Nice speaking to you, padre. Jean, please dedicate a song for this man of God…

_Jean Baptiste sings a heartrending rendition of Amazing Grace in baritone. While he's singing, the phone rings and Teague answers it. _

_Talent Scout: (calling in) _I want to speak to that boy. He has such a heavenly voice and we'll give him an opportunity to develop his talent as an opera singer. He'd be rich, famous and singing before all the kings and queens of Europe! He'd go very far… He'd be a star, a legend…

_Teague: _Opera? As in lots of white-faced gents and fat old ladies? And mincing about in wigs? Sorry, I can't allow me grandson to ruin himself that way. Goodbye _(hangs up)._ Jean! You sing worse than a stuck piglet. Never, ever sing again! Swear it on the Code!

_Patience_:_ (entering the room with the other children)_ Bro, don't listen to him. You are the lead singer of our band and we still need you to sing for our next album – _Salty Sea Dogs_.

_Teague: _What's this? Mutiny! Revolt! What's this world come to? What's next? Ye're gonna black spot me, missy? Hey you! What's that rag ye be wearin'? _(points at Prudence in her very itsy bitsy bikini) _

_Patience: _The broadcast is over, shipmates. This is Patience Snipe signing off. Gramps, don't wait up. We're going to the theatre to catch _The Twelfth Night_…

_All the children leave the inn and a fuming Teague is left behind. _

_Teague: _Argh! Where's me pistol? Wilhelmina! What have ye been teaching yer pups?

**Author's Notes:**

Poor Jack's reputation gets a bashing thanks to Angelica impersonating him. Mistress Ching must really be rolling in dough from her fake antiques trade, especially with people as gullible as the Lt.s Groves and Gillette about. Teague really hates giving advice.

Willy Raven will be back soon to put her pups back in order. And Teague will recover from this mutiny by his grandchildren. Teague's pet peeves – anything to do with the nobility and civilization, like tea, theatre and opera.


	34. Broadcast 34

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. More cameos from the Dutchman crew.

Possibly a few more chapters before we go on a hiatus pending PotC 5. The race for the Fountain is on!

**Broadcast 34**

_Teague is sitting at a table in a Thames-side establishment with gent who is a Cutler Beckett lookalike. _

_Teague:_ So since I am in dire need of crew and gold, what is this proposition ye got fer me?

_Gent:_ Well, I will furnish you with a ship and crew. All you need to do to sail over to the Horn of Africa for some black gold and ship them over to the West Indies. Take on a load of cotton…

_Teague:_ Wait, black gold? Ye be talking…

_Gent:_ Why slaves, of course- _(gets shot by Teague)_

_Teague:_ No deal. _(kicks corpse into Thames) _Oh, look at the time… Tom! Where's the- oh, forgot the little ship rat jumped ship. Come here, pooch… looks like it's just ye and me _(cuddles Prison Dog)_ Ahoy there, ye scurvy dogs- no offence, mutt. First, the news on shipping movements- Slaver traffic picking up this season with increased plantations in New France and the West Indies. Aye, rich pickings. More gold than those Spanish galleons after they be lootin' them Aztec. Next is the weather report. Choppy seas with moderate gusts in the Atlantic. Really wonderful sailing weather… Dang! Me ship's still needing a first mate and crew. Any pirates in London may apply. Experience dealing with a crotchety old sea captain a must.

_Jean Baptiste rolls in front of his grandfather with a large placard which says 'Jean Baptiste for first mate'. _

_Teague:_ Sorry, Jean. I prefer me first mate to have at least one leg of his own.

_Willy Raven: (limps onto the scene)_ Come on, father. Give the lad a chance. Or I could be your first mate. Nothing like a father-daughter team, eh? Bet Jack was your first mate.

_Teague:_ Lass, when Jackie boy was sailing with me, he was the cabin boy.

_Willy Raven: (peering into Thames)_ Is that his Lordship Cutter? Has the broadcast started?

_Teague:_ Aye, lass. I be reportin' the news.

_Willy Raven:_ More news from my end. Oh, the Admiral James Inn and Tavern has split into the Admiral James Inn and Scoundrel Jamie's Tavern after co-owners Anamaria and Lizzie Turner nee Swann decided to part company. We have the news from Port Royal from Mrs Turner and Miss Norrington. Would you ladies like to share with us the reason behind your decision to break up an apparently flawless partnership?

_Anamaria:_ The name's Anamaria Hemings. I took my mom's name because Norrington is too much a mouthful to say. The problem is we just can't seem to agree on how our business is to be run. Lizzie here wants it all family-ish and polite but my customers prefer entertainment like wench-grabbing, knuckle-busting and drink-till-ye-drops.

_Lizzie Turner:_ A most regrettable situation. My poor wee Willie cannot get his sleep thanks to the racket from the tavern. And having sailors tossed out of the windows did get complaints from the neighbours. Old Rev Johnson had a fit when that tart and her customer came in through the taproom the other night.

_Anamaria:_ Old Johnson had a fit because that tart we are referring to is his daughter. Most awkward, but not as awkward as Marquis Cuckold catching his little brother doing the tabletop-jig with his wife. I'm moving the tavern further up the beach. More privacy for the rum-runners to unload their wares. We're still best of friends and I'll continue providing the inn with quality contraband…

_Willy Raven:_ The name of the tavern? It's quite colourful and highly irreverent.

_Anamaria:_ Oh, that. Did I mention that after sorting through Cousin James' matters, I found out he owed the local tailor, grocer and bootmaker? Guess who had to pay the bills.

_James Norrington: (calling in)_ Look, I'm sorry about those debts. I was thinking of settling them after returning from my mission. I didn't plan on getting stabbed in the gut. Can you please change the name of your tavern to Anamaria's or something more neutral?

_Anamaria:_ Explain the deed for shares in the slaver Henriette Marie. Name stays on that account as Scoundrel Jamie. Oh, and I can't claim your insurance because I'm not pasty white like you and no one would believe we're related.

_James Norrington:_ That deed was Beckett's idea of pay in lieu. And my contract clearly states payment to be made-

_Willy Raven:_ Shouldn't you be in Fiddler's Green, old chap?

_James Norrington:_ I stayed on as the Flying Dutchman's navigator. Between you and me, Captain Turner is still mastering the use of a compass that actually points north.

_William Turner:_ Hey, I'm getting the hang of it… Wait, I hear some souls over on the starboard side… _(looks over the side to see Mercer and Beckett in a leaky tub, being the ultimate nice guy, he drops them a rope ladder for the pair to board)_

_James Norrington:_ YOU! You blackguard! My contract states insurance payment to be made out to my next-of-kin and I did list my cousin as Anamaria Norrington! _(punches Beckett) _

_William Turner:_ James! Stand down! This is an order! _(sounds of scuffling as William tries to stop Norrington from unleashing all that pent-up anger at Beckett from his time as his lackey admiral)_ Break it up!

_Lizzie Turner:_ James, for shame! Will! Someone do something!

_Teague:_ Suggest to use the cat o'nine tails, Captain Turner. Do no harm flaying the skin off your crew's backs when they get a tad disobedient. Jamie's a former navy man, he'd understand. Well, let's change the topic and leave the Turners to sort out their own problems with their business partners. Captains, pirates or otherwise. It is getting harder to find decent crewmen these days, what are your views on this topic?

_Blackbeard: (calling in)_ I've solved that problem by shanghai-ing my crew and zombifying some of them. Oh, by the way. I have yer boy with my crew and he's got a god-awful singing voice. Knowing ye once sang in the _Bristol Boys' Choir_, are ye sure he's yer whelp? How the hell did yer boy end up sounding like a rusty bandsaw? He'd scare off the mermaids!

_Teague: _Puberty happened. That's what. Since we are talking offspring now, I hear yer gal's a mighty fine-looking wench. Sure she's yers, Weedy Teach? Jackie-boy! Keep away from them mermaids, ye hear!

_Not-so-jolly sailor:_ Eh, hullo… We are in a rowboat singing to attract mermaids in Whitecap Bay. How are we to avoid becoming mermaid-food?

_Teague:_ You are off topic, mate.

_Willy Raven_: Singing in Whitecap Bay, in a rowboat to boot? You must have a death-wish. Perhaps Aunt Tamara might swim by to advise you on your predicament.

_Lt Groves:_ Hello, naval helpline? We are in a race with the Spanish to find the Fountain of Youth for the glory of king and country… And the Spanish are beating us to it!

_Teague:_ Mate, the navy has cannons, don't ye? Use them. Haha, this will juz be like the old Pirate Regatta. Blow their asses to kingdom come.

_Lt Groves:_ Officially, we are not yet at war with the Spanish. Wouldn't this be an act of aggression?

_Teague:_ Finally, another navy man with a working brain. Considered a career in piracy, matey?

_Lt Groves:_ Zounds! This is not the naval hotline and I am a loyal subject of King George II and England. I will never consider breaking the law!

_Teague_: Pity. Your attitude will git ye killed some day. Perhaps sooner than later, and most like by them Spanish.

_Angelica:_ Hello, I think my father no longer trusts me. He's setting me up for a game of Russian roulette with some loaded pistols and Jack Sparrow guessing the lucky number.

_Teague:_ Lass, Russian roulette is one of me and Jackie's favourite pastimes. We use a regular roulette wheel and a bullet instead of pistols. And we have the Ivan the Russian do the spinning, so that's the Russian part. Don't worry about Jackie boy. He tends tae be right on with his guess.

_Angelica: _That's what I am afraid of.

_Willy Raven:_ Relax. My bro is a big softy at heart. If things get hairy, he'd get you out of the fix. By the way, if you are really Blackbeard's daughter, could you ask your father to share with us how he commands his ship without the need for wind? That trick might come in handy seeing Papa is short on crew.

_Teague:_ How many left this time, daughter?

_Willy Raven:_ 20 men.

_Teague:_ Well now. That's not too bad. 20 men is a decent crew left…

_Willy Raven:_ I mean 20 shipmates left the crew. Smithers and Jones got drowned in the river after trying to catch a swan. Igor's settling down on land, or rather in it as in a pauper's grave. Paddy came off second best in a duel with a swordsmaster and Klassen had an accident of the fatal variety with a horse buggy… _(lists a miscellany of fatal accidents and mishaps befalling the crewmates) _

_Teague:_ Oh, I get the picture… Me crew never did fare well in civilization.

_Juan de Ponce Leon (deceased):_ Allo, I'm Juan de Ponce Leon. I'm calling to complain about a few blokes breaking and entering me ship and running off with me silverware. And I grounded her on edge of a cliff on a overgrown jungle island to keep me treasure from looters!

_Willy Raven: _Wait, aren't you like dead as in deceased?

_Juan: _So? I still hang out in my cabin. Sadly with me flesh rotted off ages ago, I can't get off me bed to go after them.

_Teague: _Geez, some folks juz don't know when to hang up their boots. Maybe ye should try nicely talking to the next callers, unless they are the creepy types who wanna share the bed with ye.

_Willy Raven:_ Look at the time, children. It's time for the broadcast to end with a nice pirate-ish flavour. _(starts singing A Pirate's Life with the children) _

**Author's Notes: **

Having a slow joke run, meh.

Some folks just can't rest in peace, can they? Poor Teague is still stuck in London without his first mate.


	35. Broadcast 35

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. A pirate lord guest stars and Teague is back on the waves.

**Broadcast 35**

_The Misty Lady is finally on the waves. Her Captain Teague is sitting on the yardarms with his guest, Sri Sumbhajee in the bosun's chair. _

_Teague:_ As much as I hate to say it- I owe you many thanks for your help and crew in getting my ship sailing, Chipmunk Sri. We should be able to git new crew in Tortuga.

_Sumbhajee:_ Nothing to it. We need a ship to get us to Tortuga to catch hold of my most mutinous son. Brat took my treasure-ship while we were touring the Tower of London. Teach him a lesson or two.

_Teague:_ So you be taking the whip to him?

_Sumbhajee:_ Nope. _(makes slicing motion across throat)_ I've 100 sons. One less makes no difference. By the way, my 56th son Shah what's-his-name, he and your girl are getting along very well. They've been trying out various positions from the Kama Sutra since we set sail. See? That's the Blacksmith's Anvil Position. Ah, that is the Horse… Next we have big fat Indian wedding, no? Make big, big announcement on the pirate broadcast.

_Teague:_ Let's not git our hopes up. Ahoy ye scallywags! Here be the pirate broadcast. First up the news. The Spanish and the English navies are running themselves ragged for the legendary Fountain of Youth. So much fuss over a myth. It's about as real as the mermaids… Oops. Slip of me tongue there. I mean the Fountain is about as real as Juan de Ponce Leon's ghost ship and zombies. The next tit-bit is- sniff, sniff- what's that spicy smell? Not yer deodorant, I hope.

_Sumbhajee:_ No, Code Keeper. I took the liberty of ordering curry for dinner.

_Teague:_ Oh, really… Wait, is that a jumbo on me forecastle?

_Sumbhajee:_ I assure you my pet elephant Maharajah is ship-broken. Besides, I also ordered my cook to keep an eye on him.

_Ominous cracking and trumpeting sounds from below. _

_Teague:_ Roast the cook on a red-hot griddle! Jumbo is demolishing my forecastle stairs with his butt! _(cuffs Sumbhajee's turban off his head)_

_Sumbhajee:_ What about the curry? You cannot change cooks mid-curry! It'll be spoiling the flavour. _(scuffles with Teague)_

* * *

><p><em>A very dishevelled-looking Willy Raven pops her head out of her makeshift sailcloth bower at the sounds of a fisticuff up in the rigging. <em>

_Willy Raven: _Look here, I'm rather occupied now… can we have the back-up programme please? _(goes back to snogging her latest beau) _

_Strains of a baroque string quartet, an elegantly-dressed young lady, Patience, glides onto the deck. She is followed by her brother Redemption in a butler's uniform pushing a tea trolley with silverware and china. _

_Patience:_ Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I now humbly present the pilot broadcast of _Fine Etiquette for Young Mademoiselles_.

_Teague and Sumbhajee:_ NO! _(stop fighting)_

_Sumbhajee:_ We're not having our pirate programme degraded to some snotty gentry lesson… Well, perhaps you can do a piece on how we can get a lady out of a corset really, really quick. My fingers aren't as nimble as they used to be…

_Teague:_ Quit ogling me granddaughter! _(shoots Sumbhajee through the turban, but misses killing him)_ Well, the next bit of news. We have a rumour in Port Royal that deceased pirate hunter Admiral James Norrington is back in town. Mama Carey, some folks must be swillin' bad rum. Over to our witness Anamaria, who claimed she shot the ghost of our admiral.

* * *

><p><em>Beach near Port Royal<em>

_Anamaria: _Santa Maria, I thought my cousin Jamie was dead. Then he pops up on mah doorstop at the ungodly hour of 3 a.m.

_James Norrington:_ You blasted me with a shotgun! Was that necessary? I got picked for supply collection this round. Knowing I am dead, I was trying to avoid running into my former colleagues.

_Anamaria:_ You knocked on my door at in the wee hours and I am a helpless girl living all alone…

_James Norrington:_ You, madam, are far from helpless. After putting a hole the size of a grapefruit in my chest, you tried to crack my skull open with a frying pan… Look, I'm just here to deliver some letters to Lizzie from her husband and pick up supplies for the Dutchman.

_Teague: (chortling)_ How 'bout ye cousins kiss and make up? Ye sound like a married couple already… Start smooching.

_James and Anamaria:_ Us kiss? Never!

* * *

><p><em>William Turner: (calling in from a rowboat off shore)<em> This is going to seriously impact my plans… I was thinking of recommending James as the next captain of the Dutchman after I've done my 10 years. I really would like to spend more time with my family. But seeing someone has blasted his heart to kingdom come…

_Teague:_ That is a problem… Sorry, I can't help you on that count. Call up Calypso or something.

_Sumbhajee:_ On a more serious note, the Spanish and English movements in Florida region is cause for concern, especially for any pirates who might've shacked up there. If any naval wolves are listening in, they should be informed that Senor Villanueva has a nice casa with his delicious Creole mistress and brats near the-

_Villanueva: (calling in)_ Sumbhajee! Are ye trying to get me family killed? I don't go tellin' others about yer harem in Bombay, do I?

_Teague:_ Er, Senor. Ye might want to consider dropping by yer casa unannounced. We have some reports about various handsome naval officers visiting it. And according to Ammand, Sumbhajee, yer harem was very welcoming to him and his men the last time he dropped by. Have ye been neglectin' yer ladies? A man must not neglect his missus, ye know. Since I am already givin' out the advice, ye sea dogs might wanna call in now, or after the Jack Sparrow song…

_The Pirates of Penzance band plays the goofy Jack Sparrow song…_

_Jack Sparrow: (calling in)_ It is _Captain_ Jack Sparrow. Oh, since I'm callin'- I need some advice on gittin' outta a bit of a spot. Well, the moon is shining. I'm sitting under a palm tree… It would be romantic if I were tied up with some toothsome wench instead of a crusty one-legged pirate. Oh, did I fail to mention that we're prisoners of a bunch of Spanish blokes?

_Teague:_ Jackie boy, will it kill ye to stay outta trouble once in a while?

_Sumbhajee: _If this were Bollywood, there will be some big song and dance number with everyone dancing around the tree. But I guess since you are not with your bosomy sweetheart, this will not work. Not to mention Disney is not Bollywood. Can you make like a monkey and climb the tree like the scrawny rascal you are?

_Lt Groves:_ Hello, our commanding officer, Privateer Captain Hector Barbossa has been captured by the Spanish. Given that the son of a bitch just threw the rest of the crew to a pack of bloodthirsty mermaids, will it be proper for me to leave him to stew? Personally, the rest of us voted for slitting his throat.

_Teague:_ Theo Groves, you and your fellows are thinking proper now. That is an action deserving of a pirate. You're a born-natural!

_Lt Groves:_ Good Lord! What am I thinking? I can't leave a man behind, even if he's the biggest scumbag around… _(hangs up) _

_Teague:_ Groves, your good citizen side will definitely get you killed one day. By the way, whatever happened to my first mate Honest Tom?

_Honest Tom: (calling in) _Capt'n? I have great news! Tamara and I are back together. She decided she didn't want her sisters to kill me, so we're now in the Providence's lifeboat with a couple of navy chaps and heading for St Martinique. Oh, we can expect to make Tortuga sometime, well, sometime. _(to Tamara) _My little sea-jewel, what's for dinner?

_Tamara:_ Leg of gunner. Don't gimme that look, boys… If you bunch were more handy with the fishing, we wouldn't be doing the long pork lottery… Now, Mister Gunner, just stick out that leg…

_Teague:_ Try not tae get too fond of the long pork, Tommy. I absolutely will not allow that stuff on me ship.

_Philip: (calling in)_ I am in love with a most angelic vision of heaven...

_Teague:_ Heaven and visions? Have ye be drinking seawater?

_Sumbhajee:_ Teague, methinks the lad is referring to a sweetheart. Love is a many splendoured thing, so whatever's the problem?

_Philip:_ Well, she's a fish from the waist down… but she's a really sweet gal. How am I going to bring her home to my folks?

_Teague:_ Well we gotta make do with what we git in life.

_Sumbhajee:_ Love conquers all. As Chevalle would say, _vive la amour _or summat.

_Teague:_ Ah, yes. Our French friend's infamous last words before that sweet li'l Venetian lady demonstrated what she thought of his suit with her little dagger and almost landed him a spot singing soprano in the local opera house. Has he taken up with any wench since?

_Sumbhajee:_ Not that I know of.

_Teague:_ Major damage to his plumbing, methinks. Well, lad. If your mermaid girl fancies you, go for it! If not, retreat and stay ashore for the sake of keeping your plumbing and other bits intact.

_Sumbhajee:_ Wait, I must say a message from our sponsors. New port open in the east for trade. Singapore is now cleaning up her reputation as Sin City and Pirate Haven under the able leadership of a Englishman from the East India Company… The aim is to create a modern, civilized city for maritime trade. Also, the royal navy will be stationing a fleet there to protect trading lanes. The English have hailed the move as a step forward against piracy after the disastrous Beckett campaign…

_Teague:_ Traitors! Pox-ridden sons of whores! Sao Feng! Your men sold yer hidey-hole out as a trading centre. Excommunicate the pack of them. Strike them off the pirate list of honour! Shoot the bloody dogs on sight! _(rants and raves and hops about)_

_Willy Raven: _Watch your feet, papa!

_Teague slips off the rigging and lands in the sea with a splash. _

_Willy Raven: _Man overboard! This broadcast is over! _(rushes help lower a lifeboat) _

_Sumbhajee:_ Dearie me, I think I better not tell the Code-keeper about Mistress Ching signing a lease with the Portuguese in Macau and the English in Hongkong, or that I just entered a partnership with some Portuguese traders regarding Goa.

**Author's Notes: **

Could not resist having Honest Tom and his missus make up. Tossed in a cousin reunion of sorts and took some liberties on European colonial history in Asia. Singapore was founded as a free port in 1819, but the Portuguese were in Macau and Goa way back in the 16th century.

Kama Sutra – that traditional Indian love manual.


	36. Broadcast 36

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness. A stab at those zombie flicks.

**Broadcast 36**

_On a tropical beach. Willy Raven and the children are playing in the shallows. Teague is lounging on a deck chair with a rum cocktail. Honest Tom, dressed as a butler, is standing by with a jug of iced rum. _

_Teague:_ So nice of you to join us, Tom my man… _(lifts up empty glass for his first mate to refill) _Thought ye be takin' yer missus' advice and rearin' goats on land.

_Honest Tom: _I can rear them goats on a ship as well, sir. Tamara's fond of goat milk. Maybe make some feta cheese. I be tied to de sea as much as ye, Capt'n.

_Mister Gibbs comes running out of some bushes after a fleeing pig with two silver chalices tied onto its back. The two pirates exchange stunned looks as Gibbs and hog disappear back into the undergrowth. _

_Teague: _Tom, what time is it?

_Honest Tom: _Time fer the broadcast methinks.

_Teague: _Right ye be… but it is my day off… Let Sri the Chipmunk do… _(turns and sees some local cannibals boiling the Pirate Lord in a pot) _Never mind… Ahoy ye seadogs! First on the news. We have a vacancy for a Pirate Lord as apparently the local cannibals here enjoy their curried long hog. We Englishmen are apparently too bland for their palates. Pirates are strongly advised to avoid the following places as they now fall under the East India Trading Bastards or others of their ilk – Goa, Hong Kong, Singapore and Macau. Another Pirate Lord vacancy in the Pacific as Granny Ching has married her cabin boy like the cradle-snatcher she is.

_A seagull lands on Tom's head. Tom grabs it, wrings its neck and tears off a note tied to its leg. Tossing the dead fowl aside, he reads the note. _

_Honest Tom:_ More news. Senor Villanueva has been captured by the Spanish navy off Hispaniola. The Gentleman has fallen afoul of some Somalian pirates and murdered in his hammock. Ammand has been sunk by the Turkish navy in the Sea of Marmara. Captaine Chevalle arrested at his sister's inn in Marseilles for non-payment of loans. Aye, this be a grim day for all pirates indeed…

_Teague: _Aye, grim indeed. Chevalle, imprisoned for owing his sister money? That is most embarrassing. That leaves Jackie boy and Hector still on the waves… hopefully. Hector, ye best finish up yer fun wi' the Royal Navy and git back to pirating proper, ye hear?

_Temperance:_ Grandpa! We found a cave where the water flows upwards!

_Teague:_ No fibbing, childe. It's rude to lie to yer captain… Water flowing upwards? Pah! It's like pigs flying…

_Teague pauses as the silver-bearing hog flies past them on snowy white wings with Mister Gibbs still in pursuit._

_Teague:_ Hey, hey! What gives? Methinks there be some weird mojo on this here place! Ahoy there! Where's this- _(waves to a ragged sailor shuffling by) _

_Sailor turns to reveal he is a zombie. _

_Honest Tom: _Uh-uh… Methinks our insurances do not cover zombie attacks.

_Screams from the children and the other members of the Misty Lady's crew as they come under attack by a mob of zombies in the manner of all those old zombie flicks. Teague is letting fly with pistols in both hands. Honest Tom is fending the zombies off with an axe._

* * *

><p><em>Scene switch to Lizzie Turner's place in Port Royal where a very harried-looking Lizzie is bouncing a screaming William Turner III on her hip and doing business with a trader.<em>

_Lizzie: _Two guineas! That is my final offer! Deal?

_Trader nods and accepts the cash before ordering his apprentice to wheel in the barrels of fish. _

_Lizzie:_ Dear listeners, I have been called upon to cover the pirate broadcast in the Codekeeper's stead due to an unfortunate incident. First, I will cover the weather report. A good westerly wind in the East Coast and showers off Haiti. A 10 percentage chance of zombies in Florida's Couch republic. Trading patterns in the Caribbean is picking up in the Slaver's Triangle and are almost back to pre-Pirate War levels. Oh, excuse me…

_Lizzie trots off to put her son to bed. Anamaria strolls in from the kitchens with a letter in her hand. _

_Anamaria: _I have just received a request from Captain Teague and our sponsors to the folks over at World War Z to keep their zombies in their fandom and out of ours. _(looks around and fails to see her friend) _Now an advertisement- for cheap rum and fisticuffs, drop by _Scoundrel Jamie's_ tonight.

_A very rattled Willy Raven and her brood walk in through the front door of the inn. Their clothes are in tatters and they look the worse for the wear. _

_Willy Raven: _Tea! We need some tea and milk. And some cookies!

_Anamaria: (grabs shotgun) _Ya aren't zombies, are ya?

_Teague: (climbing in through window with Honest Tom) _Stand down, Ana. We showed those zombies off… Now what's the title event at yer tavern tonight?

_Anamaria: _Punchout - Seamus the Irishman versus Jacko the African. Da door is open, ya know…

_Teague: _I can't be seen walking through the doors of a gentrified establishment like this… Put a fiver fer me on the Irishman…

_Anamaria:_ Got ya, Capt'n. _(leaves) _

_Teague:_ Good day, Mrs Turner… _(tips his hat at Lizzie as she returns with the tea trolley)_ Any chance of alcohol?

_Lizzie:_ There's French brandy and rum…

_Teague: _Fair enough. Now lemme take the broadcast off ye.

_Lizzie: _Great, you are just in time for the Agony Aunt section. Ginger snaps? _(offers plate of ginger snaps and other cookies to children) _

_Teague: _…

_Willy Raven, the children and Honest Tom adjourn for tea and biscuits. _

_Lt. Groves: (calling in) _Hello? We've stopped Blackbeard's crew at the Fountain but now the Spanish are swarming all over…

_Teague: _Do what ya need to do, man…

_Lt. Groves: _Right! For king and country! _(grabs Union Jack flag and makes his last stand)_

_Teague: (hears a loud gunshot) _Oh, it's been nice knowing ya.

_Jack Sparrow: _DA! We've a bit of a problem here! There's this lassie I'm sweet on but her dad's a selfish jerk. I've only one chance to save her but I'm 'fraid she'd give it all up fer her dad…

_Teague: _Gee, how come ye never risked yer life to save yer old da…

_Jack Sparrow: _Never had the need to…

_Lizzie:_ Captain Jack, how nice to know you finally found someone special… Now use that wit you're so proud of and save her. Hoodwink them or something.

_Jack Sparrow: _Gee, thanks, Lizzie. I'm Jack Sparrow, I can get away with anything. _(hangs up) _

_Teague: _What? No thanks fer yer old da?

_Anamaria: (from outside window) _Jack! Ye still owe me for that shipment of rum!

_Mama Mermaid: (calling in)_ I'm at my wit's end! My youngest daughter was kidnapped by some pirates!

_Teague:_ So? Let the lass have her adventure and see the world.

_Mama:_ They're probably making my poor baby girl cry… That's not the worst of it. With them is this young man my baby seems to be developing feelings for…

_Teague:_ Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love wi' each other and rush off to start family. Same old story. What's so bad about it, ma'am?

_Mama:_ The man's a freakin' Bible-thumping preacher type.

_Teague:_ Gut the little bastard!

_Lizzie splashes tea into Captain Teague's face._

_Lizzie:_ I'm sorry, Codekeeper. But I must insist you keep a civil tongue in your head before the children. Madame. Even though you might not be keen on having a preacher walking out with your daughter. Please do consider the fact that it is her happiness we are speaking of and she deserves to make her own decisions on that account. Perhaps you might ask that she bring back this young man for you to meet?

_Hector:_ Bummer, I messed up. I lost my navy crew and the Providence to a shoal of ravenous mermaids. Then the Spanish pop up to rain on our party at the Fountain. Me second-in-command Teddy Groves just got himself shot so I can't dump the mess on his lap. At least I killed Blackbeard. What would ye suggest, Captain T?

_Teague:_ It is clear that privateering doesn't agree with your robust constitution. Go back to piracy. Sure there is at least one ship nearby short of a captain now, if you get my hint?

_Hector:_ Hey, Lizzie. Can I be wee Willie's godpa? I'd take him pirating soon as he starts toddling…

_Lizzie:_ Sorry, Hector. Jack's got that honour.

_Hector:_ What? Ye'll rather trust that swaggering beanstick of a drunk than jolly old Uncle Hector?

_Lizzie: _And I'd prefer William to stay close until he's much older, thank you.

_Teague snatches a ginger cookie from the tea tray and wolfs it down. Then he starts choking on it. _

_Willy Raven:_ My word, I believe you used too much spice on the cookies…

_Teague is still choking, stumbles and hits his head on the table's edge. Willy and Honest Tom go to his aid as a breathless Mercy comes running. _

_Mercy: _Mama! There be a troop of navy men heading this way.

_Lizzie: _Gracious me! I forgot tonight is the Fort Charles' whist club dinner. Hurry! Out the back door!

_Pirate broadcast ends as Willy Raven and Honest Tom lug an out-cold Teague out the back of the Admiral James' Inn with the children in tow. _

**Author's Notes: **

I've been agonizing over whether to make this the last broadcast for a while, or drag it out.

The next one is definitely the last, at least until Disney releases the next installment of the PotC movies.


	37. Broadcast 37

Disclaimer – Disney owns the entire franchise of Pirates of the Caribbean.

This is a parody. Expect anachronisms galore and possible OOC-ness.

Can it be? Teague's funeral? Probably not.

**Broadcast 37**

_A sandy beach above the high-tide mark. A very sombre Honest Tom is adjusting his clerical collar. Willy Raven is clad in full mourning and weeping inconsolably. Likewise, the children are dressed in mourning black. The other members of the Misty Lady's crew are wearing black armbands. A black coffin with some of the younger children seated on it is sitting next to a pit in the sand. A filthy James Norrington is climbing out of the pit. _

_James: _Oh the indignity… pressed into digging a grave for a pirate…

_Willy Raven:_ You did volunteer to help us in any way needed when my poor papa expired before he could get back on his ship. Who would have thought that the great Captain Teague would choke to death on a piece of gingerbread… _(dissolves into tears)_

_James: _Well, I must be returning to my ship now… _(sees an annoyed Bootstrap coming over)_

_Bootstrap Bill: _What gives? What's taking so long – _(sees the children and a weeping Willy Raven) _Oh, is the former Code keeper joining us on the Dutchman?

_James:_ Doubt it. He apparently died with both boots on land.

_Honest Tom:_ Ye best git goin', Jamie. We'll take it from here.

_The Dutchman's crew walks off and leaves the mourners. _

_Honest Tom: _Ahem. _(flips open Bible) _Dear all, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of our brother pirate and a father to pirates, Captain Edward Lazarus Teague, Keeper of the Pirate Code and a true man of honour…

_Loads of thumping sounds coming from the coffin. Apparently, Teague is not as dead as the cortege believes. _

_Willy Raven: _Shush, children! Stop kicking the coffin.

_Redemption:_ It ain't us, mama…

_Honest Tom:_ Ashes to ashes, dust to dust… May we all live our lives as he did to the fullest before the mast and the sea she take our sorry carcasses when all's done with. Preserve us from the dreaded noose and blasted naval scallywags in Your infinite mercy, Lord… Amen. _(closes Bible)_

_Willy Raven: _We would also like to make use of this opportunity to announce that this is the last episode of the broadcast as my poor papa is no longer around to host it! _(more tears)_

_More thumping from the coffin._

_Honest Tom: _Still, we have to make a proper last broadcast. First the news. Captain Teague has choked on a ginger snap and gone to meet his Maker. We regret that due to the recent heat wave, there will be no viewing as he already looks and smells bad enough without all that bloating and rot. Second, the interim keeper of the Code is his daughter, Wilhelmina Raven aka Willy Raven aka Wayward Willy aka Widow Willy…

_Willy Raven:_ Uncle Tom, I think they get the point.

_More thumps from the coffin such that the coffin is actually jumping slightly with the children trying to hold it down._

_Honest Tom:_ Miz Willy will be sailing for the Cove shortly. Should any pirate feel himself a better keeper, they be welcome to challenge her for the rights within a year and a day, after which Miz Willy will be sworn in as the new Code-keeper.

_Sri Sumbhajee comes along minus an arm and a leg. _

_Willy Raven: _Are you here to challenge me already? And I thought those natives had you for dinner?

_Sumbhajee:_ Their stomachs did not like my turmeric deodorant much. I'm not here to challenge the post of Code-keeper. I'm just here to spit on your old man's grave for leaving me with those savages.

_Willy Raven:_ Get in line _(waves to Senor Villeneuve, Ammand the Corsair and Gentleman Jocard who are already waiting their turn)_

_Gentleman Jocard: _My death was prematurely reported and ruined my plan to trap those Somali dogs. And my wife thinks I am a zombie and refused to let me into her bed.

_Senor Villeneuve: _He ruined my big wedding day. So, what did he owe you, Ammand?

_Ammand: _Nothing… I know he's fond of his mangy mutt… So I am here to make sure the mutt joins him in the afterlife after hurting my poor kitty-cat. _(holds up a pet-carrier, which is open) _By the Sultan's beard! Where's that mutt?

_Somewhere, Prison Dog is surfing the waves on a turtle. _

_Honest Tom: _Er, we also apologise for misreporting and releasing the premature obits of the Pirate Lords Villeneuve, Ammand and Gentleman Jocard. They are alive and doing very well. Captains, would you like us to put in the coffin first or spit in the grave first?

_Sumbhajee:_ Open up the coffin and let us spit on his face. He looked bad enough alive and can't look any worse dead.

_Children obliged by hopping off the coffin, from which frenzied thumps are heard. A fist smashes through the lid. The entire cortege screams. _

_Honest Tom: _He's alive! It's a miracle!

_Gentleman Jocard: _No, methinks he's been zombified.

_Sumbhajee: _Run fer yer lives. AAAHHH! _(screams like a little girl)_

_Everyone flees the scene as a sweaty Teague finishes smashing his way through the lid and frees himself. Teague is alone on the beach. _

_Teague: _Blisterin' barnacles! Thunderin' typhoons! Santa Maria! Doublecrossing ingrates! Backstabbing snakes! _(whips out his pistols and lets fly) _

_The phone rings. Teague stops raging and cussing to answer it. _

_Lizzie:_ Captain T? Oh, I'm so glad you're alright. Oh, how did you find my cookies? Too sweet? Or bland?

_Teague:_ Ma'am, your biscuits are superb but they just require that extra zing. Add more rum to the mix and you've a winner. Next call.

_Mistress Ching: _Boo-hoo-hoo. My hubby left me for some pretty young thing.

_Teague:_ I can't blame him. Looky here, I'm not a marriage counsellor but I would encourage a return to your old profession of piracy. That is empowerment. Next!

_Captaine Chevalle:_ Captain Teague, I need to borrow a few quid from you to get out of Debtors' Prison… The conditions here are intolerable and I think I might have caught fleas in my wig.

_Teague:_ Sorry, I'm broke, mate. Play nice with the fleas.

_Jack Sparrow: (calls in)_ My poor ship is gone all mini and stuck in a bottle.

_Teague:_ To unshrink ships and get them out of a bottle, you need a trumpet, some mumbo-jumbo dance moves and 3 goats. Go to Honest Tom for more details.

_Jack Sparrow:_ Oh, and there is this senorita I am hot on but I think she blames me fer her worthless old da's death.

_Teague:_ She's probably right in doin' that. Ditch her on some island and git yer ass over to the Faithful Bride. I'm sure Giselle and Scarlett will happily slap ye silly. Goodbye, sonny.

_Tia Dalma:_ Code-keeper, I call with grave warning… Watcha step.

_Teague:_ If this is some wacko insurance telemarketing, I'm not buying. _(hangs up) _TOM! Where be ye, Tom? I need my rum- _(doesn't see where he's headed and steps straight into open grave) _Oh, bugger. Someone get me out of this hole! Help!

**Author's Notes:**

This is officially the finale of this series unless Disney produces a PotC 5.

Thanks for staying with me so long and I hoped you all enjoyed the wacky ride courtesy of our pirates, and a few not-so-honest men.


End file.
